Mid life crisis in males who have been good husbands but totally changed

by Mary
(andover, kansas 67002)

My husband of thirty six years came home one day, packed a few things and left me. Before he left he told me it wasn't me it was him, he was unhappy with his life and he needed space.

He filed for divorce soon after, and I haven't seen or heard from him since then. My question is how do I get him to go to therapy since he won't talk to me? He's determined to put all the blame on me. My reply to that is blame for what? Blame for caring about him, fixing his meals, washing his clothes, being his confidant and friend and giving up my life to stay with the kids and keep the home fires burning I'm totally lost and devastated. People who haven't gone through this type of divorce don't have any idea what it's like nor do people who have lost their husbands through death. His parents are closed off from me too. I think he's poisoned them against me

Noel's response

You don't mention how long ago he left, but I am assuming it is a year or more.
I don't know that there is any way to get him to go to therapy, but you might find it helpful to see a therapist yourself to help you get through this difficult time.

Comments for Mid life crisis in males who have been good husbands but totally changed

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Nov 25, 2012
MLC in males who have been good H's....
by: NWF

Hello Mary,

Your H has not completed the divorce yet because he does not know if he really wants to. He is confused right now and it may be a good thing that he does not talk with you--though I totally understand how difficult this is for you. If he did talk with you it may be all blaming and nasty language. Let him deal with his own anger during his MLC. It is because he did not deal with things during his late teens or early adulthood and now they are coming back to haunt him, his shadow. This is not your fault at all. That is what these guys/gals do during this stage of their life. I hope you checked out the web site that I gave to you a few months ago. It will explain all of this to you. This is very hard for us LBS's to understand but understand we must for the future of our marriages. Yes, he will tell others lies, all lies, and the othrs should know better after a 36 year marriage. Let that pass--I know it is hard right now. This is long process for our H's to get thru but they will get thru it. Hugs for you, NWF

Nov 25, 2012
I feel for you
by: Jon

You may see my post about my wife left me after lost pregnancy. Although there are differences in our stories, my wife became depressed over time, very much put me out o her life emotionally for a long time. We had some difficulties and a sad experience, but I was so devastated when she left. I begged her to go with me to counseling, but she refused and said that there was no repair for us.

I would have fought for us forever, but she just could not handle the depression or the difficulty anymore. My wife left me as her escape from the pain. Good luck to you. I am 39 years old, but believe that this will change me forever and that it has made me feel a midlife transition.

Jun 22, 2012
frustrated
by: Anonymous

Thank you for writing to me. I read "Sudden Endings" by Madeline Bennett and she did a study about men who suddenly leave a marriage that's perceived to be a committed and good relationship by the wife. We did everything together, talked, laughed, argued and made up after an argument. Our two sons are grown and we have two grandchildren. The youngest son was a challenge, but he has turned out to be a good father to his kids and is always trying to be a good husband. He works and is responsible. My husband did what I have since learned many husbands who seem outwardly like a rock. His business was failing, he became depressed and decided to blame me for anything and everything. He said his last twenty years of marriage was miserable and he couldn't take anymore. He petitioned for the divorce and is now hiding somewhere. He hasn't talked to me since last November although I've tried to let him know through my lawyer that I would talk to him. Now, the divorce has stalemated and I'm very frustrated. I want to move on. But, I'm wondering why he doesn't just go ahead with the divorce and settle later. I could do this too. But, I never wanted the divorce in the first place.

Jun 21, 2012
Mid life crisis in males....etc
by: NWF

Hello, Pay no attention to that spell casting email. That is BS and this is real for you and many others like you. That person should not be allowed to sell that crap on this site. This is about ruined lives from a MLC, not stupid teenage romance stuff.

Your H is an emotional mess right now and probably has been for some time but you did not realize it. When I looked back, I saw signs of depression for many years but did not recognize it as such. You did not mention any children or how long ago your H left home. My H left 2 years ago and my son was 14 yo then. He would come home and mow the lawn in 2010 but he did not in 2011 and the home was sold in April of 2012 so there is no need to help now. What I am trying to say is that at first he was a bit helpful and then he was withdrawn and things got worse, including our communication. He did communicate much with his OW though. I can see his phone records still. Now, he will continue a conversation (email) about our son and other daily activities but not what is happening to him. He has our son now and has for the past 14 months, he is 16 yo now. My H is 53 yo and I am 55 yo. We were married for 16 years when this happened to us. It is a long process for them to go thru, 2 to 5 years I hear. He still has the OW-his emotional band aide, they don't live together. But we are still married. The divorce that he filed for is still going on though it should have ended in December of 2011. He fights for everything and didn't like the final D orders so he filed for an Appeal with NH Supreme Court. That will take 12 to 18 months to finish. Not sure his real reason for doing this--sometimes I think he did it to have more time to figure this out before the D is really final. Other times I think it is all about money. Who knows why they do these things?? They don't even know why they do some things but it is not your fault--it is happening to them, they are greatly confused. Please check out the website: midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com. You will find much info there and can join the interactive site also. Hugs for you, NWF

Noel's response

I get many submissions from people talking about having spells cast and marriages magically saved. I try to remove them shortly after they are submitted, but don't always get to them right away. I agree... pay no attention to them, they are a scam.

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