Mid Life Crisis

by Sheila
(Virginia)

The question

My husband came to me in August of last year to tell me that he wasn't happy. It came as a shock to me of course because I had no idea that he wasn't happy.

He told me that he feels numb and empty inside and that he doesn't know what he wants out of life. He is unhappy with his job and is a workaholic. He travels M-F every week and is responsible for so much in his job.

He cries almost every night and doesn't get a lot of sleep. He can't tell me that he loves me when I tell him. He says that he doesn't love himself, so how can he love someone else?

I feel like it has put so much stress on our relationship as a couple. I walk on eggshells when he is home and try to make everything good when he is here. I make sure the house is clean, laundry done, kids homework taken care of, grocery shopping done etc... I want to make sure that he doesn't have to feel any more stress than he has to.

Work will call him on the weekends and he will answer. We will be eating dinner, his phone rings and he picks up. Work is his life! He consumes himself in his work to put aside any of his feelings. When he lays down at night, his mind will start to wander and he becomes sad.

I love my husband with all my heart, but what do I do in the mean time for me? He says that he feels like he can't give me what I deserve, which is LOVE. I have no idea how long I'm willing to wait around for him to come out of this. Please help me!!!!!

Noel's response

The symptoms you describe do sound like midlife transition and as with all things, this too shall pass.

My suggestion is that you get a life for yourself outside of waiting on and worrying about your husband.

You say he is gone all week, but don't mention whether you work outside the home. Either way, find some activities that interest you - anything from joining a bridge club to singing in a choir - and start living as full a life as you can without him.

If he tells you he cannot say he loves you because he doesn't love himself, accept that. No doubt at some level he loves you as much as ever. Hang in there with him. In my experience, couples that come through a transition like this, and do their own personal work, end up with a deeper, although different, and more rewarding relationship.