Midlife Crisis Man at 63
(Houston Tx, USA)
We have been dating for 10 years. We both work. We do not live together. We only see each on the weekends due to his traveling for his business during the week. He plays hockey on 3 times on the weekend. I take care of 10 cats and 5 turtles in my spare time. Rescuing animals to help them is what I do. For the past 3-4 years we have not had sex, and very little affection/attention. I think we were in a rut. We took turns going to each others homes for the weekends, most of the time I would stay at home because of the animals. We never fought, and took fabulous vacations with friends and family. Communication about our needs was next to none between us. I was too busy with the animals, and when we got together we discussed politics, hockey, and how was your day. He phoned me everyday when on the road without failure. We again only talking about, "how was your day"...and when is our next vacation. No immediate plans for marriage, except to say that we had a special hotel in Cancun where we both agreed to marry there if and when we do. So he ended the relationship with "That's it" when one of the cats got ringworm and he couldn't come over. I went out to his house and he ended things abruptly. Gave me some of the clothes I had at his house, which was 3rd weekend in October. I left, no conversation. He ask me to leave. He wouldn't talk with me except with one email on that Monday saying, he thought we were compatible but realized we weren't. And that my obession with the animals was one issue, no sex was another. He said he lost sex attraction for me, and that we should end the relationship and go find better people. Sorry_____. No answering his phone or talking, just an email after 10 years. I was very upset, and wanted to fix things, to be able to have another chance. Since this has happened, I have gotten rid of most of my cats and all of the turtles, straighten/cleaned my apartment. I have not invited him over yet. He had been coloring his hair for 2 years prior to breakup. Now he has hair plugs, lost weight/has flat stomach. Last thing, he colored his mustache. I've seen him twice. Once to go get the rest of my things at his house. 2nd time was to deliver Christmas gifts to his house for his sisters. That was Dec 2nd. I spent half a day with him, and went to his hockey game that night. He shared his sandwich with me, and we cuddled on the sofa, with him calling me darling, baby, pumpkin. He said that he lost all feeling for me when I was there that day. He invited me
to go to Walmart with him, and after that I asked him if I could go to his hockey game, he said okay. I kissed him before he went onto the ice. After the game we were walking me to my car. I said why don't I spend the night and he said why don't we stay together another time when we don't have to work. okay. He kissed me/hugged me goodbye. When I drove off, I phone his sister to say we were getting back together, but when he got home, she asked him, and he said no we weren't getting back together, and no I didn't tell her to spend the night. Did he change his mind. His sister lives with him. He wrote me an email the next morning to say that we were not getting back as we were, and that he didn't want to be involved with me or anyone else for awhile. He said, It's all about relationships and how he reacts when he is in one. Sorry____. I haven't heard from him since, and recently sent him an email after the holidays inviting him to meet with me secretly (no sister around), and i said just us two. But, I didn't get a reply from him. So my question is, What is going on with him? Also, he had a scare with his prostate, but that checked out okay. I want to get him back to where he will start communicating with me again. I feel sure that we could work everything out. I told him that I had made some changes in my life. I told him that I didn't think I could find a better man than him to be with. I still love him...I told him so that last time I saw him. I feel like there is attraction still there for me. I appreciate any and all advice. He said that the first 6 years were great! I have been giving him his space too. Frustrated.
I am not sure what to suggest. It sounds as though your relationship for the past few years has not been satisfactory to either of you (you mention no sex, little affection), but you continued anyway. If you do get back together you may benefit from marriage/couple counselling in order to establish the kind of relationship you both want.
He may be in a midlife transition, but that does not mean it is a crisis. He simply wants a different kind of relationship, and doesn't know how to do it with you. If you can both agree to change the way you are with each other, you may be able to establish the relationship you both want. If he is not willing to do that, you may have to let him go, trusting there is another, satisfying relationship, available to you in the future.