Midlife Crisis? or just out of love?

My husband of 16 years told me that HE loved me but was not in love with me, that we hadnt really even saved for the future (not true) and that our kids weren't as driven as they should be but it "really was about his feelings or lack of for me." We started going to therapy and then it turned into He has never had the flame for me. We were watching home movies of our honeymoon and he said that he didnt have any feelings at all. He feels dead inside.

My libido has always been higher than his. Three years ago he had a double bypass at age 53. After that we didn't have sex at all. I thought he was afraid because of his heart but he says it was because of my weight. We both work full time. He works every night until 8:30-9:00 and on weekends. I was alright with that because he was doing it"for us".
Last winter was stressful with our 14 year old son and homework. There were some nights that I would have enough and go into our room, he would come home from work and go downstairs to watch TV. We started a major house renovation last fall, he now says the house doesn't feel like his. Our daughter (10 yrs) had a horrific accident this spring and broke both of her legs and her arm in multiple places. Her recovery was very stressful. He dropped the bomb on me while she was still in the wheelchair. We went to marriage therapy a few times but he felt that it wasn't changing anything.
He now has moved out "to figure out what he feels". His dad, an alcoholic, left his mom when he was young. He tells me now that he wasn't upset at that but only that his dad wouldn't let him go live with him.
I have taken everyone's advice and am working on me. I have started working out and lost a ton of weight. Before he moved out we would go out and people would say how great I was looking. He said it made him feel like a bump on a log. I see him everyday because of the kids but I have tried my best just to give him all the space he needs.
He says there is no OW. I know that he has a friend at work who is divorced and now happy that he has confided in, maybe an emotional affair. He is very successful at work and seems happy around everyone else. He goes out of his way (and sometimes to the detriment of family time) to help everyone out.
He did say that he shouldn't live the rest of his life unhappy and maybe there is someone out there that he would have the "flame for".
I do think it is a MLC but there is also a part of me that thinks that maybe he did just fall out of love and doesn't have the tools to work it thru. He is now living in our camper at a campsite, which is kind of ironic because he also told me that he doesn't like going camping (something also new).

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Jun 29, 2016
midlife crisis or out of love
by: Anonymous

Thanks Noel, I think that I have come to terms that I can't fix him. He won't go to Alanon but he did start going to a therapist which is good. He says he hasn't given up on our marriage but he isn't very optimistic. I am trying to be supportive and upbeat as I continue to work on myself and support the kids. I have found that I have a tendency to make passive aggressive remarks to him about this but have decided that I will stop that and honor my vows for better or worse. He just seems so distant.

Jun 28, 2016

by: Noel

It sounds as though it could be partly a MLC, but I suspect it is also some unresolved emotional issues from his past (which is often a part of a midlife crisis). His mention of him wanting to live with his dad and not being allowed to suggests to me he feels abandoned by his dad (not an uncommon thing for a child to feel when their parents break up), and add to that the fact that his dad was an alcoholic makes it a double whammy.
It sounds to me like you are doing the right things for yourself, and if he is willing, I suspect Alanon would be helpful for him.

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