Midlife crisis

by Angel
(New Jersey)

Question


Please help I am losing it... my husband was on Oxycotin everyday for 7years of our 9 year marriage. the Doctor put him on it. Everyday...there was no emotional anything.. no compassion, affection nothing. My mother passed away it will be two years November, his the November before, but he was numb.

I called the Doctor last September and he took him off with Suboxune. My husband then freaked out. I told him in February I cannot take these moods, etc., you need help. Take this list of AA/NA meetings and when you go than come home.

He started meetings and has been telling me he doesn't want to be married.

He is back on his Harley bike after ten yrs and is going to rallies sometimes and meets, plus meetings. That, plus work, is his life. He does not want to do anything else.

He puts money in the bank and I do the bills. I am still in the house and he is not doing the twelve steps. He is acting like a child and I told him he needs massive therapy cause I myself am having a mental breakdown, exhaustion, cant sleep, unsettled my emotions are very bad and I feel stuck.

I was a good wife. He was a widower of three yrs with two daughters. I had to put up with a lot of disrespect from the oldest for years.

We are still separated and he runs around to meetings and hangs the phone up in my face, pulls the car away with me standing in the door. All I been doing is trying to reconcile and help him make sense of all this. He doesn't want to listen. He said maybe he is in midlife. I think it is cause he does not know himself never got real help coming down from the drugs.

I felt like leaving many times and am empty inside and frustrated, especially with no love or affection because he was high. He is blaming me for everything, saying I gave him nothing but grief and fought with him and he is tired of it, and we are not compatible etc.

He wont come help me fix the house so we can put it on the market and didn't go to a lawyer. I don't get it. I think he is looking for another woman first cause he does not wanna be alone and he knows I am a good-hearted, caring women who always took care of him with gourmet meals, clean clothes, clean house.

He told me to file for divorce when I asked him to come home. He says he does not want to, and that I frustrate him.

I said I am not doing anything wrong I am trying to save my marriage and get help you are doing wrong. I am a good wife and loyal.

Can you give me some advice before he goes with another woman? I am so heartbroken I need help. Thank you.

Noel's response

It seems clear by his actions and his words that he really does not want to stay married to you. My advice is that you let him go and move on.

See a lawyer, and file for divorce.

I also suggest you go to Alanon on your own, as your actions with him strongly suggest to me that you tend to be a co-dependent. I believe you will find a lot of help, and many answers there for your struggles.

Comments for Midlife crisis

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Nov 12, 2010
File for divorce
by: been there done that

once you decide to help yourself you will be able to help him. other than that its a bad roller coaster ride. I lived it and lived through it and it wasn't pretty and heart wrenching ...........

Oct 21, 2009
I am attending Alnon and therapy
by: wife

First of all do you think in his mind coming off those drugs for 7 yrs in the right frame of mind with no therapy...why would he be nice one day and mentally abusive the next?

Why is he blaming and not looking into his inventory and shortcomings if he is suppose to be getting help from AA/NA meetings...one minute he says he does not know how he feels and in the next breath he is nice...

He took me to church the other day, he took me to our vacation home a couple of times one minute he seems normal the next a raging nut very angry...You dont feel he needs help???

I cannot file because I am not the sole provider I have not funds... and I keep telling him if you can't stand my voice and dont want to be with me why are you doing this abuse on and off for months? Why didn't you go file...

He says he has no time...yet he looked at a dvd about marriage and what God intends for two hrs...I am not understanding....He left alot of his responsibilities...does not come over to do anything like the lawn, etc etc unless I call him...

His Dad said he is not acting right there either...if he asks him to do something more than twice he gets frustrated...he helps my father in law with bills he said they are sitting on the table...he just runs out and says ok later I have to get to a meeting....

Is there no way therapy would help save our marriage...we did not have a bad marriage...only because of him being not emotionally there because of the drugs...other than that he was a good man and a hardworker.. he is now angry and mean and nasty most of the time to me...what is going on inside him...

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