Midlife crisis

by Angel
(New Jersey)

Question

Please help I am losing it... my husband was on Oxycotin everyday for 7years of our 9 year marriage. the Doctor put him on it. Everyday...there was no emotional anything.. no compassion, affection nothing. My mother passed away it will be two years November, his the November before, but he was numb.

I called the Doctor last September and he took him off with Suboxune. My husband then freaked out. I told him in February I cannot take these moods, etc., you need help. Take this list of AA/NA meetings and when you go than come home.

He started meetings and has been telling me he doesn't want to be married.

He is back on his Harley bike after ten yrs and is going to rallies sometimes and meets, plus meetings. That, plus work, is his life. He does not want to do anything else.

He puts money in the bank and I do the bills. I am still in the house and he is not doing the twelve steps. He is acting like a child and I told him he needs massive therapy cause I myself am having a mental breakdown, exhaustion, cant sleep, unsettled my emotions are very bad and I feel stuck.

I was a good wife. He was a widower of three yrs with two daughters. I had to put up with a lot of disrespect from the oldest for years.

We are still separated and he runs around to meetings and hangs the phone up in my face, pulls the car away with me standing in the door. All I been doing is trying to reconcile and help him make sense of all this. He doesn't want to listen. He said maybe he is in midlife. I think it is cause he does not know himself never got real help coming down from the drugs.

I felt like leaving many times and am empty inside and frustrated, especially with no love or affection because he was high. He is blaming me for everything, saying I gave him nothing but grief and fought with him and he is tired of it, and we are not compatible etc.

He wont come help me fix the house so we can put it on the market and didn't go to a lawyer. I don't get it. I think he is looking for another woman first cause he does not wanna be alone and he knows I am a good-hearted, caring women who always took care of him with gourmet meals, clean clothes, clean house.

He told me to file for divorce when I asked him to come home. He says he does not want to, and that I frustrate him.

I said I am not doing anything wrong I am trying to save my marriage and get help you are doing wrong. I am a good wife and loyal.

Can you give me some advice before he goes with another woman? I am so heartbroken I need help. Thank you.

Noel's response

It seems clear by his actions and his words that he really does not want to stay married to you. My advice is that you let him go and move on.

See a lawyer, and file for divorce.

I also suggest you go to Alanon on your own, as your actions with him strongly suggest to me that you tend to be a co-dependent. I believe you will find a lot of help, and many answers there for your struggles.