Mid-life

by pet
(Canada)

My husband says he thinks he loves me, but doesn't know. His affair started a couple of years ago.

He has met someone online from the US, we live in Canada. They have never met physically. He has a record and cannot get a passport, (he has assault chargers from his younger years, including hitting me.) she is 19 and plans to be in school for another 7 years in the US. He is 50. He started all this when I moved his dying mother into our home and I gave her 24 hour care with no help from him or other family members, while I worked. I sat with her during the nights holding her hand and slept in a chair, while he was in the garage having on line sex with her. The other Girl, (I think she is still a child) has money coming to her from her mothers death, but this could take years, and says she will give him half of what we owe to leave me. I will not give up my house, I have worked so hard to fix it up, I have 5 children that I have raised in this house, the youngest is 19 and is our child together. I have always put every cent I have made into this house, he spends his money on himself, and he has never lifted a finger to help even with his own daughter. He cannot afford to move out and I cannot afford to pay the mortgage on my own either, but it is killing me to be living with him, sometimes I think I am suicidal. It will cost me just as much to live somewhere else as it does in my own home, and yet I couldn't afford it either way. He tells me all the time that he thinks he might be doing the wrong thing, and that he doesn't know what to do anymore. I don't want him, he acts like we are still in love, touching and kissing me, I don't respond, and I refuse to have sex with him, but I can't get on with my life either. I don't know very many people and only have a 2 friends. My life was my family and now everyone has there own life. I'm painfully shy, I have a very kind soul, I do tell the truth but I am never unkind to anyone, and at 55 years old I'm still beautiful. I am not full of myself I'm just trying to give you an idea of me. My husband still tells me I'm the kindest person he has ever met. I have seen a councilor but it didn't help. This is beyond anything I can take. His behavior is not normal, or is it for a man going through mid-life crisis. Your advise is really needed.

Comments for Mid-life

Click here to add your own comments

Jul 07, 2015
mid life
by: Anonymous

Could you please tell me what you mean by personal boundaries, I feel like I have set some, for example I will not have sex with him and I am trying not to have my life revolve around him anymore. It would cost me the same amount to live somewhere else because housing is expensive. Thank you for your help and advice.

Noel's response:
It is good you are setting some boundaries. You also need to live your own life. If he wants to know where you are going and what you are doing, it is none of his business.
Protect yourself financially by making sure he cannot spend or take of with whatever savings you have between you, and take your name off any jointly-owned credit cards so he can't run up a debt and leave you with it.
In other words, live as though you are a separate person living alone, which at the moment at least, you are.

Jul 07, 2015
Mid-life
by: NWF

Hello pet, I am sorry you are going thru this. It is enough to drive us insane. You must emotionally detach from this guy, for your own good. Your H is looking for validation that he exists, as he lost your attention while you where looking after others. This is not your fault though, it is happening in his mind and he will find fault in anything that you do. MLCer's are great with excuses and they lie about everything. He may also be looking for you (or her) to make the decisions for him to stay or go...that will take away the responsibility of any decisions being his and it is the easy way out for him. She is a fantasy to him and that will take over his emotions and mind...the infatuation for something he cannot have and does not really know. You are real and he knows you. Please go to the website: midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com and read the Articles about MLC. Educate yourself about MLC and read other stories on the forum. You are not alone in this, there is support for you at that site. I would tell him to go and then laugh in his face. That 19 year old will never get together with this 50 year old man...so just laugh at the craziness of it all and walk away (detach from him, treat him like a neighbor). Protect your money! MLCer's are great at spending all they can get their hands on. Get your own credit card and get your name off of his. You are 50% responsible for his spending right now and you want to remove yourself from that...to protect you and your kids. These are protections for you...not to hurt him. Read the Articles and protect yourself.

Hugs!

Jul 06, 2015

by: Noel

His behaviour is not normal for a mature man of any age. He sounds like a child in a man's body. Perhaps midlife is making it worse, but he sounds very irresponsible anyway.

You say your situation is beyond anything you can take, so clearly you need to make a decision. From your description of how you looked after your dying mother-in-law with no help from him, it sounds as though you need to establish better personal boundaries for yourself.

I don't know how much equity you have in your house, but your statement that you will not give it up implies that you would literally rather die than leave it, and perhaps selling it is your only way to get free. If you can't afford to stay there on your own, you may have to decide which is more important to you - your health or your house. The stress you are under will certainly affect your physical health in time.

I don't know whether this helps, and I am sure you don't want to hear it, but it all I can think of to offer.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Ask Noel.