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MLC stages

My husband and I are both 40. We have a 12 yr old daughter. He dropped the bomb on 08/31/2010 and he moved out 7/31/2011.

Since about 2 months ago he has been telling me he wants to see and try to work things out but at the same time wants to keep his freedom right now. He does not want a divorce but won't go to marriage counseling.

H tells me there is something left and he wants to feel things out and see what happens. He comes around. We do things together. We have fun. Then he starts freaking out wanting to run away again. He disconnected for about 1 week and then came back around again with the same story. Now, 2 weeks later, he's freaking out again saying he wants to get away. I tell him let's plan a trip. He says no offense but I want it to be me and D only. He needs to get away from everyone.

This is so frustrating?? What stage do you think he is in. What can I do to help him. I'm good. I take care of myself. I am obviously in pain, but I will be OK if we get divorced. I am at a good place emotionally. But I do want to save my marriage.

Noel's response

My guess, from what you describe, is that he is through the 'worst' of it, but still has a way to go.

If you are willing to carry on with the current situation, it may in time save your marriage.

It is good to hear that you are personally in a good space. Keep living your life as normally as you can given the circumstance.

The book Crossing the Soul's River by William O. Roberts may help in understanding your husband's situation.
Good luck!

Comments for MLC stages

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Jan 13, 2012
focus on your needs...
by: Anonymous

my husband did the same back and forth thing for a long time. i would have (and have) done ANYTHING to save my marriage but it got to the point where he wanted his cake and to eat it too as long as i went along with it. finally, i had had enough and told him i was done. it was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life but i began to see my life apart from him in a better place instead of sitting around waiting for him to make the choices.

my best advice is this: focus on yourself and YOUR needs, not his. if you do that, you will begin to see things open up for yourself. don't put your happiness in someone else's hands. i know this because i spent years doing that. whichever way things go in your marriage let it happen on your terms not someone else's mistakes. i send lots of courage and strength your way.

Jan 13, 2012
midlife crisis
by: Anonymous

I admire you for the way you handle things. My husband left me Aug., 2010. I was in pain. I could not cry but I was in pain each time I thought of him. I went through the shock, the pain but the depression become stronger by the end of the year. I am adjusting with living with my daughter and we are still working on the separation. He definitely wants a divorce.

I think that it is extremely hard for you having to continuing to face him and talking to him about his feelings etc.. I hope that he will go back to you at the end. Take care.

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