Mr. in between

by Mike
(South Africa)

Hi my name is Mike. I am 60 yrs old. I am currently in a situation which I am trying to understand and which I know is of my own doing.


I married for the first time when I was 38 yrs old and I married a woman 8 years older than myself. She had been married twice before and had two daughters from her first husband ( 19 and 20 yrs old) when I came along. She also had a son from the second husband.The son was 10 at the time when I married her.

My marriage to her has been a turbulent one and often verbally violent and on occasions in the early years physically violent as well. We have been married for 23 yrs. I have not enjoyed the relationship at all but have found myself staying on. About 11yrs ago I moved out of the "marriage bed" so to speak and went to sleep in my own room. I also stopped having sexual contact with my wife as I found it hard to be involved in vicious arguments and then have to make love etc (Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton setup. My wife has always had jealousy issues even with regards to me playing golf. She had a father who drank and rejected her etc.

I have helped looked after her second husband who died three years ago (Had him at home for few months as he was diabetic and had alcohol issues). I was instrumental in trying help the daughters reconcile with their father. I am not the jealous type and even had both ex husbands stay over for Christmas.

We have always been involved in a power struggle. I won't be dominated by her and she by me. During the last ten yrs we have often spoken of divorce but we have made no concrete decisions. I have always wanted to leave but have never had the guts to do so. I have never had affairs but have had sex outside of the marriage over the last ten years. I cannot and do not want to sleep with her in the same bed and she feels the same way. Recently things came to a head and were helped along by the fact that I met a 25 year old lady whom I confided in and we have grown very close.

I cannot stay in this relationship and want to leave and I state categorically that I am not leaving the frying pan to jump into the fire. I just feel I would be better living on my own.

I know this young lady is much younger than me but she is just a friend who I confide in.

Your comments and questions will be welcome and might assist me to get out of this dilemma

regards

Mike


Our communication is superficial.


Noel's response

The logical thing to me is that you divorce. Your relationship is unsatisfying to both of you, and does not sound likely to improve.





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You're not trying
by: Anonymous

Dr. Phil would say divorce is too easy now days and a marriage is sacred and worth giving it all you have. You should separate and live apart without any other relationship getting in the way of your thinking. If you need to talk to someone, then join a divorce care group and hear their stories. I can tell you from first hand experience the pain of divorce far outweighs the act of trying to forgive and true communication with respect for each other's feelings. You say you've had sex outside of marriage like it's ordering a hamburger. This would make anyone confused into thinking this is the right thing to do to make me feel good at the time. Being intimate on a sexual level is different that just having sex and having sex outside the marriage isn't acceptable under any circumstances. You aren't being fair to your wife by being so dishonest and I would tell her the truth and tell her everything you feel If this leads to shouting and discord, then at least you are being honest with her. She should also be honest with you and let her feelings out. I don't know if she will forgive you. Have you seen the movie Fireproof? I suggest that you watch this too. It goes very deep in your case, though. I'm seeing so much discontent on your part which is making her unhappy as well, I think. Get a grip on what it would be like without her and her presence in your life. Get a divorce by filing and wait for two months before you do anything else. I mean anything sexual or with a girlfriend. See what happens by having no contact. See if she misses you and if you miss her and would go to the ends of the earth to get back together. Then, if the feelings aren't there anymore, probably divorce is the answer.

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Inbetween
by: Anonymous

Hi there thanks for your input. Of course I realise that the young lady is too young. That is not the point. I am not wanting to leave my wife for another woman. As mentioned I feel it is better that I live alone. I did this up until the age of 38 and then only married.

I will not take on someone younger at my age now. That is not an option and will not work. I am quite conscious of the whole setup.

I do not have any money so money is not the problem. I know that inwardly I am a loner and that is the decision I have to face. Some people are better off living on their own

I am not running after other younger woman. That is purely a waste of energy.

At the end of the day no one can make anyone happy. You have to make your self happy and be comfortable with yourself


Thanks for the comments
Appreciated

Mike

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Mr. in between
by: Anonymous

I see it as any time you sleep with someone other than your wife as an affair. If you had many affairs you are a philanderer. You have many excuses for leaving now instead of earlier. HMMM! You are 60 years old and now have a 25 year old GF. What does she see in you? Other than money?? I see all of this complaining against your wife and now the 25 yo GF as you are in a midlife crisis, otherwise you would have left before you had another girl/woman in tow. I know first-hand this type of complaining and anger and emotional need from another woman; girl in this instance. It comes from your midlife transition and you are in-fat-u-ated with this young blood. Do you really think she will hang in there with you?? You will get tired of the 25 yo mentality and maturity. Go ahead-go for it. And, when you crash a bit later it will your fault.

Have you tried to talk with your wife without blaming her for everything?? If you blame her for everything--and think life is greener on the other side of the fence, I feel sorry for you and your wife. Go for it--and let us know when she splits for someone her own age and then you are more confused than you are now. Or, be a courageous man and have that difficult, but necessary, discussion with your wife. Use "I feel" statements and do not use "you" statements.

Mr. in-between--says it all. You are confused. Don't do this to anyone. It will hurt you and them greatly.

Good Day to you. NWF

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