My 48 Year Old boyfriend is pushing me away AGAIN!

by Katherine
(NY)

The Question

Hi, I am a 42 year old divorced mother of 3 beautiful children...23, 13 & 10 years of age. I was married for almost 14 years.

In November of last year I met a wonderful man who came out of nowhere. He was a friend of a friend and swept me off my feet. I began dating him at the end of October, a week before my Mom passed away. Saw him sporadically over the course of a few weeks. He was charming, funny, handsome, successful, loving & caring. Has no children and was married for about 3 years to a woman 10 years his junior in his thirties. All of what I was looking for; almost too good to be true.

Well eventually I saw he was spending more and more time alone with me and not bringing me around our mutual friends. I began to see he was jealous. Then I began to see patterns of his insecurities and lack of trust. He would break up with me every 2 to 3 weeks depending on what his mood was and I like a FOOL kept going back. He was generous to my children and I and when in a normal state of mind was a joy to be with. I discovered he was also using cocaine quite a bit and I will admit at times we would do it together on weekends.

For the past 4 months he has not made any effort to spend time with me even knowing that my children were with their father for the weekends. I also must add he definitely is bi-polar and a narcissist in the truest form.

I am heartbroken most of the time cause when he's good., he's great and I find myself thinking back to the way he at first fawned over me. I'm thinking his drug use and mental instability have escalated to the point of no return and I have allowed myself to be his crutch in times of need. I feel betrayed, lost, alone and crushed by his lack of heart. He constantly says for me to leave him because it is "only going to get worse" yet I find myself needing to know the answers to my "questions".

Please tell me what to do I am heartbroken and so very sad. Why cant I let go of the chaos?

Noel's response

When he tells you "it will only get worse", he is right. He is an addict. I don't know what your 'questions' are, but I can guarantee you will not get straight answers from him.

You might find the book Smart Women, Foolish Choices useful, and I also strongly suggest you go to a few meetings of a twelve step group such as Co-dependents Anonymous, as it is a given that if you are attracted to an addict, you are a codependent.

I hope you take this recommendation to heart, because if you continue with this man, you can expect nothing but the same kind of pain and chaos you are already experiencing.