My husband doesn't know what he wants

by Cindy
(Indianapolis, Indiana, usa)

The Question

Out of the Blue my husband told me he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. I am devastated. He has never even said anything about this ever.

He told me that he had been thinking about it for awhile. I asked him why he didn't come to me and he said he didn't know. He says it is him and also mentioned maybe he was going thru mid-life crisis. I love my husband very much and after 33 years of marriage I am not giving up on our marriage and told him that.

We are still sexually active and even more so after we had talked about some things but he seems so distant and I do not know what to do. How can I handle this situation and keep our marriage together?

Noel's response

If your husband is a typical man, he will not know how to talk about his problems... even to himself!

If he is willing to visit this website, he may find some useful information here. Again, if he is willing, you both would no doubt benefit from marriage counseling, and perhaps personal counselling/therapy.

You might also encourage him to have a complete physical check-up, just to be sure he has no serious health problem.

A suggestion for when you are talking to each other about a difficult topic: go for a walk, or a drive, to do the talking, as men feel much less threatened when talking side-by-side, than when doing so face-to-face.

Comments for My husband doesn't know what he wants

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Mar 11, 2014
Husband doesn't want me
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 3. He is 33 and I am 30. Three weeks ago he decided to hang out and get drunk after work instead of come home to me and our two kids, ages 3 and 3 months. A week later, he decided to say he was on his way home from work and then just not come. He didn't answer his phone for hours and then all the sudden called and said was at his co-workers apt hanging out. When he came home he was defensive and told me that he wanted to be able to do what he wanted when he wanted and didn't want to have to answer to me anymore. I was devastated. I got suspicious and looked at his cell phone records and sure enough he had been talking to a woman for the past three weeks. Calling and texting her all day, every day. He literally would contact her every opportunity he had. I confronted him on it and he said that he wasn't cheating but that he has been unhappy for a long time and has been meaning to find a way to tell me. He said that he loved me but didn't want to be with me anymore. I was so shocked. I didn't see this coming AT ALL! He kept this up for two days then all the sudden said that he is a stupid man that messed up and that he was devoted to me and our kids. He apologized and reassured me constantly. Things were fine until about a week later, when he said he was on his way home from work and didn't show up for hours again. When I called him he told me that I didn't need to be concerned with where he was. He was very drunk when he finally did come home and passed out. The next morning he woke up saying that he messed up and still wanted to be a family. He supposedly broke things off with this girl, but I don't believe him. He is still acting suspicious. He now says that he is confused and that he has it all and that he doesn't want to feel how he does but he cant control it. He says that its not me, I'm perfect, its him. He says he wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants and not have to answer to anymore. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm so lost. I feel like I've been neglecting my kids because I'm consumed by my emotions. I just don't understand. Why throw it all away for no apparent reason? So now I'm left trying to let him figure himself out with my whole life hinging on his decision. This is not how I pictured my life. I just hope that I can find the strength to move on because I feel it in my gut that its over and he's not coming back to me.

Feb 13, 2014
Cheating Husband
by: Anonymous

My husband had his first affair in January of 2013. In June of the same year I busted him. I thought that being a good wife meant forgive him, talk to him and let him back in. Within a month he had started another affair. I had no idea because I was so busy trying to do all the things he said I needed to do for him to stay with me. In November of 2013 the woman's husband my husband who is having an affair with called me and told me of the affair. My husband has since tried to play me three times into believing he wanted to be with me but he really wanted to be with her. They really do not have a real relationship and I tell him he is a fool. He is very cruel to me. Two of the three times he played me he got away with it but I have been playing him now and he doesn't like it. He swears he stills loves me but wants me to lose weight. I told him I was not going to be Barbie doll and to forget it. Now he is madder than hell. WHat do I do?

Jun 02, 2013
My husband is talking to his friends live in girlfrind
by: Anonymous

My husband is so good at falling in love, but can't maintain it. He is chasing another woman, who is his old best friend's woman. I am destroyed by this. He says he doesn't love me, but he also no longer knows me. He keeps giving reasons we shouldn't have gotten married. After 10 years, I don't know what to do.

Apr 30, 2013
Husband thinks he knows what he wants
by: Anonymous

I’ve been married for 10 years. Each year, my husband becomes more controlling and unwilling to include me in any major decisions. I balance a successful career/keep an impeccable home and keep fit and healthy. My husband is success driven as well. He makes twice the salary I do, thus in his mind, he can make financial decisions w/o my input. If I protest, he comments that everything is 'his' because it came from his salary. We have four free and clear properties. We obtained a loan (over $250,000) for the purposes of building a new home. I discovered he spent 98% of the money from the new home loan account to buy expensive horses, pay bills, etc. The account was drained. When I approached him about this, he told me it was his money and he'd do what he wanted to do with it (this was a joint loan we both are bound too). I've advised my husband that his stand to keep me out of financial decisions, his statements about his being able to do what he wants with our common funds and him giving me a hard time if I get manicures/pedicures/massages (wasting money in his mind), it was a deal breaker - I don't want to stay in a marriage like this. He said he wants to work it out...but what he actually desires is for me to take his psychological abuse and controlling behavior without questions. How long does the mid-life crisis typical take?

Jul 24, 2012
Will he ever return home?
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been married almost 15 years. We have been separated almost a year and a hlaf. He met someone who he says he loves and that he loves me but is not in love with me. He got tired of the other woman and says he doesn't see his life with her and we started trying to work things out. We were so happy for a few months than she came back in the picture. Its like an obsession he has with her. Now he says he wants to be with her, He has told our 13 year old daughter that. But when I ask for a divorce he says he is not ready. I love my husband dearly and want to work things out with all my heart. This woman is putting things in his head and I can tell because of how he treats me. I am so lost and feeling miserable inside. Should I give him time and space to miss me and his family? During this time I am so hurt and I feel like crying all the time. I made a vow of for better or worse and dont want to turn my back on him. I know we can work this out if she wasnt in the picture. Im miserable.....

Apr 13, 2012
Can my marriage be saved
by: Anonymous

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He started having an emotional affair with a woman from work, which he denied, even though he told her he had feeling for her. He said that that situation just brought out the feeling that he had been having for a long time. That he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore and he wanted to leave. He refused to get any help said it wouldn't change anything. He stayed for awhile and then left for 2 wks, came back for 2 wks then left again. When He left the second time he said he needed to be alone have time to think and i didn't give that to him. I would call text and argue. I feel like I pushed him away. He started going to bars until 2 in the morning. He is very secretive. Has even started up a relationship with his estranged family. He hasn't spoke to the kids at all over the past month and half. he said he didn't want to be married anymore that I made him feel bad about himself. All marriages have problems. You don't take a 22 year marriage and just throw it away without at least trying to do something to save it. He is turning 49 on 4-25. Could this be a midlife crisis? And can my marriage be saved? He does talk to me but only if i call him. He doesn't call me and then when I call him he acts like i am a nuisance. The kids wont have anything to do with him. But I still love him with all of my heart and I want him back. what can I do everyone says to give him time but he just seems to be going on with his life like the last 22 years never happened and he seems to be enjoying it so why would i think that he would ever come back if he is so happy in his new life. Please help me. I need to know what to do to get my husband back.

Noel's response

The only thing I can suggest is the same as your friends - it will take time. You pushing him will likely make things worse, not better. Move on with your life as best your can, and in the future, if he does want to come back, you will have to decide whether you still want him.

Apr 06, 2012
HUSBAND NOT SURE HE WANTS TO STAY MARRIED
by: Anonymous

The very same thing is now happening to me. my husband of 26 years says he does not know if he still wants to be married to me. He is two years a recovering alcoholic and I stood by him through it all. Now when his life is sorted out he is cold and distant with me.He says he wishes me love but this is so impersonal. He has stopped all affection. It is killing me. I am trying to stay calm and now have any rows but I feel like a doormat. I am devastated. He always loved me no matter what we were facing. Today I had a panic attack in the supermarket but I know I have to pull myself together and be strong. No matter what happens I cannot craCK UP or that will really send him running.

Noel's comment

I too am an alcoholic. It is not uncommon for couples to have struggles after the alcoholic gets sober, unless the partner also gets help. Alcoholism is a 'family disease' in that it affects everyone. A change in the alcoholic can bring about changes in the 'family system'. I urge you (if you have not already done so) to attend a minimum of six alanon meetings. You may well find help there that you will not find anywhere else.

Mar 31, 2012
confused and don't know what to do
by: Anonymous

My husband of almost 24 years says he is not in love with me the same any more. He has had an affair that he told me about that he also says has been over for about 4 months now. I love my husband and want to work things out but how do I trust him. The other woman is an associate at the same workplace and they see each other everyday. When I ask if he will drop his so called friendship with her he says he cares about her and they are just friends. He tells me he is lost and does not know what he wants. I am scared of losing my best friend and partner but how do I ever know if it is me that he wants a life with or his so called "friend". He tells me he has to work out all this stuff in his head before he can answer anything. He is still living at home but I am so confused as to what to feel or think.

Mar 28, 2012
Not sure to stay
by: Anonymous

I've been married for almost 12 yrs most of our marriage was bad we fought & argued alot. He recently found an old flame on facebook and had an affair with her. He says its over but still thinks about her. We have 4 kids together they were devastated by our separation. We agreed to give our marriage a last try. He is home he says he loves me but feels different for me. We have great sex together but the past 2 days he doesn't want to. I don't know if I should keep trying to stay in this marriage or just let him go. I'm so hurt and confused by this. Should I allow myself to be taken for an emotional roller coaster ride or let him go?

Mar 14, 2012
reality
by: Anonsandyymous

they give up whatever happiness we had with them, threw it all away , for brief moments of what they consider 'real' happiness. they count the cost, they knew the risk, they saw the opportunity, and took it. I still love my husband, and I'm not sure why? but what we had , he threw away. and they do stay, because, I try to forget but I clung anad begged for him to stay. I can't forget that. things didn't work out, she rejected him once he told her he fell for her. that was the way it was. He had to live knowing she didn't want him, and knowing he really doesn't want me. also knowing I really wanted him, it wasn't what he wanted, and still isn't what he wanted or wants. the rest of my life was taken from me. life isn't fun anymore and there was just about anything and everything that I did enjoy up till when he gave me his speech (to unload his guilt) . he really didn't plan on me being around. so knowing all he told me, should of caused me to leave, only, my desire to stay and admitting I love him, --he didn't count on that. still it's not gratitude, that he feels now, or regret, no it was an opportunity and he told me himself , if that worked we wouldn't have. that's just the way it was, I'm the one with a problem. I haven't met anyone I have felt that way about , since I married him. I don't really care to look around for someone now. I just care about him and it all never will make sense. some of us just have to look at all of it, and have it haunt our dreams, sleep, days, until life here on earth is no more. I think that's the way it looks to me. I can't accept it, call it denial, or whatever, the man I was in love with, and who loved me wouldn't ever lie to me, endlessly, repeated make plans to see her and be with her again again and again, and enjoy it all. and still want it to never end. he admitted it all to me, was very honest, and believe me, he was completely gone on her. it just didn't work out.

Jan 28, 2012
Stuck on him
by: Rod

I have been married for two years and have a wonderful one year old boy. My husband is very distant and hurt. I pushed him away for months and he had enough. The reason for pushing him away was because we moved to a place were I'm 9 hours away from everyone I know and we're about 2 1/2 hours away from he's family. We are both veterans and after he came back from Afghanistan he was different. Being by myself all day with the baby was alright for a while but when my husband got a job were he's family lives he was forced to stay there from sun to thurs and so I only saw him on the weekends and things got worst. I was with our son all day long and never have time for myself and since I know no one I am by myself. My husband told me he wants to seperate and get a divorce and I did the worst thing I could do which is cry beg and annoy him. Last night I got drunk said allot of mean things and made things worst. I talk to him today and I told him I'm sorry and that I'm not through with us and he said he was and I said I would wait for him... and he seems okay with that. I love him and I want to be with him but I don't know how long I should wait for him. He doesn't even kiss me never the less have intimacy and its really bad.Sorry for my ramble but I don't know how else to put this. Please help. If I leave I don't even know were to start and its not fair for our baby.

Jan 10, 2012
i dont get it
by: Anonymous

Hello everyone

im currently going through a separation with my husband of 1 year...We are young couple meet and married in a year...We were happy but when we got married he changed.. Two months into our marriage he became abusive he promised not to do it again but it happened once again..Even though I forgave him and stayed we tried to work through the issues..I was depressed from the situation so I didnt work the way I was supposed to..which led to us having financial problems. But I was so shocked about the abuse that i felt hurt and betrayed..previously to that I was in a 3 yr abusive relationship with my ex boyfriend.

Bc of the financial issues we are now living with his mom and we were supposed to save up for a new place but thats when he informed me he wanted the separation...when i ask him when he is gonna file he says he doesnt know..he tells me he doesnt know what he wants for his life. at his moms house we still have sex and our intimate but other than that we havent spent anytime together..the other day he asked me if i wanted to go to the movies in which i was surprised he asked...the day bf i told him he was right and we needed to be apart and the next day he cooked breakfast, rubbed my feet, and called me gorgeous..im so confused.. someone please help me
i love him but ive forgiven him for a lot that he has done to me but i dont wanna just throw my marriage away.. im lost.

Noel's comment:
There is a cycle in an abusive relationship - abuse, followed by apologies, acting nice, etc.

It is not surprising that your husband treated you a bit better when you agreed that you needed to separate. Abusers need to control the person they are abusing.

If you stay, expect more abuse.

Dec 22, 2011
All in the Same Boat
by: Anonymous

I am amazed at how familiar all of your stories are to mine....married 18 years...tells me he's not as happy as he used to be and I catch him texting a woman in another town while he's sitting right next to me at home. I confront him and he reveals she's a customer of his and they just hit it off...a "friendship"..1 lunch and that's supposedly all there was to it. He stopped it...again supposedly. I don't have confirmation because he blocked me from the phone bill, which is how I caught him. I get the story.."I'm not where I want to be at this stage of my life. It's not you. We have to take baby steps...we've become just parents now...and we've never really been friends." I've ridden the roller coaster now for a month. I'm trying to be as understanding as I can be. I pray A LOT. I don't want to go through a divorce. I actually broke all the finances and possessions down for him to show him how we could divorce and he threw the piece of paper at me, saying I didn't say I wanted out. He says he still loves me but I think the fact that this girl is 15 years younger and gave him attention and probably said everything he wanted to hear at this stage of his life. It was easy. I blow up at him about every other day...trying not to do that now. He says he hurts too when I tell him I do. Everything I read says to give him space and time and that's what I'm trying to do. Just not sure how much time to give. I'm to the point I still cry, but I'm still young and I'm not dead yet, so if he thinks away from me is better than with me, why would I want him to stay? Prayers are greatly appreciated. I hope God's will in each of your lives. He has a plan, always.

Dec 13, 2011
mid-life crisis
by: Anonymous

After 31 years of marriage my husband has told me that he doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for quiet some time. He moved out in July and lives 2 1/2 hrs. from me. I have come to believe that he is going thru a mid-life crisis! I am giving him love and trying my best to be positive. I have gone thru all the emotions, no appetite and weight loss. I am committed to my marriage and do a lot of praying! He is my one true love, my best friend and the father of our 4 beautiful children. Everything always works out!

Dec 09, 2011
Lost !
by: Anonymous

I am almost 30... I am in my second marriage and I thought that this was going to be the one! We have been married for going on 4 years and these past few years have been super rough. Just after marriage he ended up in the hospital almost died, was told he was never going to walk again, pushed through went to school graduated and got his degree and after 4 years of being unemployed is now working at a computer firm. Through all of this I have stood by his side... Worked to support the family and been his support or at least I thought I was!
We recently moved back to the state that we meet in, and we were super happy here. But slowly things are changing right before my eyes and I dont understand it! He tells me I dont support him, I am mean and nasty to him and that I dont show that I care. But I see it from a whole different angle. Lately his attitude towards me has changed, I feel more like a maid then a wife, he tells me what to do and when to do it, scolds me for not doing things his way, tells me he doesnt trust me and that I have to give respect to earn respect. I constantly tells me that my food is crap and when I try to send him with food to work he tells me no he would rather order. But then tells me that we need to save money and not to spend any. I was doing the finances and set up a separate savings account to put money aside so it was out of sight outta mind, trying to do what he asked (to save money) and I got yelled at that I was hiding money from him. I dont know what is going on... I dont know why but I feel so LOST! I feel like thinkgs are changing so fast... he has started sleeping on the couch, doesnt even say good buy in teh mornings anymore. Comes home and doesnt speek to me.
I thought at first it was me.. that I really must have done something to really make him hate me... but I dont know anymore! I sit in bed at night and cry myself to sleep because it seems so rerpititious. My first marriage we slept in seperate rooms for a while before it was over completely, didnt talk to each other... and now ... I feel like I am back into the same place. I feel so sick to my stomach all the time. Just waiting.... I wonder when he will tell me hes done? I just know its coming... he tells me all the time he is unhappy with our marriage and with me. I cant do this again. I have 2 kids with my first and two kids with him. This is not fair! To anyone. Im tired of crying.

Oct 29, 2011
18 years married just moved to a new state
by: Anonymous

We just celebrated our 18year anniversary moved our family from one state to another for his job.
5 months after we were here my husband said He was not happy and really struggling a week later moved out and told my 14 and 12 year old He was not coming back and we were divorcing. I thought our money issues and problems were just a part of what happens in a marriage especially after a move across country. I am so confused we went to church every sunday our kids are A students and we did everything together as a family.

Oct 29, 2011
Husband wants to leave too...
by: Anonymous

Been married 9 years, together 11, no kids but up til 3 weeks ago was trying ( I have PCOS and it messes with ur fertility). Then out of the blue on october 11 he tells me he "doesnt feel that way anymore, but he cares about me, and I'm such a good person and deserve better oh and I'm going to save the world someday." a few days later he's sleeping in the other room, barely speaking to me accept when he has to, or to tell me he wants to move out. He hates his job and swears it's not that and refuses to talk to a counselor, etc. What's a girl to do, and is there hope?

Oct 21, 2011
Husband wants to leave
by: Anonymous

My husband of 12 years tells me last week he wants to leave . He doesnt want to come "home and watch TV every night" . He bought a motorcycle and then it was all over. He wants to just go and hang out with his friends and not have any responsibility. It hurts so much. I keep blaming myself Dont know what to do . We have no children but its too late for me now . Everyones comments really help especially anyone else with no children that this is happening to.

Oct 12, 2011
Confused is my understatement
by: Anonymous

My husband and i have been together for 6 years and married for 2 and we have two beautiful boys about a month ago he just sprung it on me that he isnt happy anymore and decided to move out for 2 weeks which turned into three we have started marriage counseling which seemed to work the first session but as time is going on i find him distancing myself from him and not really taking to work on things with us as a family instead of dealing with his emotions he is isolating himself and instead choosing to be out as much as possible

i am trying to work on the things that he finds unbearable but it just doesnt make sense because although its part of the process i wonder when his time will come to show me how much he is appreciating the changes i am making but at this moment i wonder if i am just wasting my time. I have done a lot for my husband and i am always there for him i am just so confused because last week when he came home he was affectionate and said he did miss me but now feels miles away again?

it is so good to read other peoples experiences because at least i know in this world that i am not the only one

Oct 05, 2011
my husband told me he doesn't want to be married anymore
by: Anonymous

my husband and i have been together for 7 years and married for 3 out of those 7. he makes me laugh every single day and up until the 29th of September we have never had an argument. we were sitting on the back porch after dinner and he just came over sat down beside me said what would you say if i told you i don't want to be married anymore.

my husband is the type that does not discuss anything with anyone, well that i know of, to be honest for during the 7 years i had gained about 65 pounds and wasn't very proud of myself and the sex, well i didn't want anything to do with it.

i joined a weight loss clinic and have lost 40 pounds since February. he would state how proud he was of me. but the only thing i can get out of him since the 29th was, you got what you wanted you deserve the house, i never said i didn't care, this isn't easy for me i did everything you needed.

we got a new mattress after the first of the year and now he says he won't sleep in the bed because he doesn't like the mattress wants his old one back and doesn't like change. won't take a shower in the master bath, says the water pressure is stronger in the back bath.

i informed him why do you think i kept wanting to get a new shower head i told you that months ago i thought that was the issue in the master bath. we have a trip planned the end of october for san antonio and he says he still wants to take me cause i love san antonio, he took me to south padra island in august because i love south padra, he wants to take me anywhere i want to go.

says i don't have to leave i can stay at the house and he will continue to pay the bills. doesn't even kiss me anymore when he is leaving for work in the mornings. the last couple of days when i get home have been great but come bed time, he turns off his tv and goes to bed in the back room and thats it. no good night, no want to join me no nothing. this man has been my world for the last 7 years and i don't want to loose him.

im lost, i was totally blind with all this. some at work tell me he is depressed probably because he has no interest in sex right now and he thinks that is the end of him being a man. this is a very christian work place, and to top it off the owner of the company is a marriage counselor. but hate to ask my husband to talk to him for i know he will say no. im lost im shocked, and here i thought it was just my horrible looking fat that depressed him when he wouldn't touch me.

Oct 05, 2011
Life DOES Go On
by: Heartbroken

Hi Ladies, I know it's fresh and the hurt is deep. I know what it feels like to watch someone who you love dearly just walk out of your life, and I have felt the heart sinking pain. I've experienced the loss of appetite. I spent many nights awake crying. And I know damn well that you don't want to hear this right now, but you have to trust me when I say that it will get better.

For me, it's been almost a month now since he's been gone. I have yet to figure out exactly why he left, but I have a pretty good idea. I mean, he works at a night club with beautiful woman every night. And when I confront him and ask him if he's with someone else now, of course he denies it. But he doesn't put up a very good defense like he normally would when I would accuse him of other minor things.

So you just know. Anyway, if you have a few good friends and a close family, that will definitely help. Even if you don't feel like it, do it. Go out and rediscover yourself. Apparently there's nothing I can do to bring him back. He's made up his mind. So why wallow in the sorrow? You will for a while, but then pick yourself up, dust off and start living YOUR life!

For me, I've been working a lot, and working out, having drinks with my friends, going on hikes with my family and just keeping as busy as possible. And I never thought I would lose that ache in my heart, but I did. Don't get me wrong...when he calls or shows up to get clothes, of course the pain surfaces all over again and I'm back on the emotional roller-coaster. But I'm telling you ladies...we don't need them! We want them and it's familiar and comfortable, but maybe this is God's way of starting us off on a new path in life. Maybe there's a greater guy just waiting for us to discover him.

I believe in Jesus Christ and that, I believe, is the key! HE will NEVER leave you nor forsake you! HE will ALWAYS be there and ALWAYS has your best interest in mind. HE wants you to succeed and be happy! Just trust Him! You'll see! But you have to trust Him! Waiting on the Lord is the key. I've been doing just that, and I'm telling you, I haven't felt this good in a long time. My house is clean. I'm seeing old friends. I can eat whenever and whatever I want. There is light at the end of this dismal tunnel.

Please don't give up on yourselves. I don't know any of you personally, but I'm sure you're beautiful women with hearts of gold. Don't let anyone tell you different. I hope this helps. Keep your chin up and trust in God and you'll start to see the difference in your life too. And by the way...Screw these guys! If they don't know a good thing when it's staring them right in the face, then I say, Good Luck! Hope your new life works out for ya, A-Holes!! I know that I'll be fine! And don't think about crawling back! At this point, I don't even know if I would take him back. God Bless!

Oct 05, 2011
Att: Helpless
by: Izzy

Sometimes people need time to realize what they have lost/or are going to lose. It's great news that the wedding ring is back on and he says he loves you. On the downside, he still doesnt know what he wants.... my husband and I went through something very similar, my husband loves me to bits, but was going through the i don't know what I want phase, initially I was absolutely devastated, and started going to counseling, which I thought initially was a waste of time, BUT the more I went I learnt more about myself, even though my goal was to help my husband, I was helping him by helping myself.

It came to the stage were I actually asked my husband to leave and basically said to him, you won't know what you have lost until you have LOST it! His I don't know phase certainly changed to holy crap I am going to lose the best thing of my life. The point I am trying to make is, if you can afford to organize separate counseling, then maybe some couples counseling I think you will get through this, he said it himself, he loves you! You both obviously have a lot of pressure with your special needs daughter, but he needs to support you like you do him, that is what a marriage is about - for better or worse! But Yeh give the counseling a try. It may help HIM deal with some of his issues. All the best, my thought are with you, as I know exactly how you are feeling and it's an awful feeling! x

Oct 04, 2011
i dont understand
by: Marie

Me and my husband has been married for a year and a half. We r both young and we have two kids. He tells me he don't know what to do anymore. Weather to leave or stay. I'm heartbroken because he is my first true love. What can I do to.help him?

Sep 22, 2011
helpless
by: cherie

my husband of 21 years told me that he isnt in love with me anymore, just out of the blue, he is turning 50. I have left the house, we are foster parents to a 7 yr old girl,she is high needs and consumes us completely of our time together. He recently went away for a 4 day break with her and our son, before he went he took his wedding ring off after saying he doesnt know what he wants. On his return today ( our wedding anniversary) the wedding ring is back on, he loves me deeply and misses me, BUT still doesnt know what he wants! I hate living on my own and want to return to our home. Should i go or give him more time to really miss me? I love him completely, with his faults. I dont want to live in this world without him. I know he loves me. How can our marriage be over. Please help

Sep 21, 2011
After 26 years he says he needs space & time
by: Anonymous

My husband said he needs space & time. He isnt happy, but said it was nothing I did or didnt do. he is 48 and I am 47. I am shocked that the person i trusted the most left. He calls me and says he loves & misses me but he isnt ready to be home with me. He said the day he left I want to make sure I am not staying in our marriage because of history and obligation. This means to me he isnt IN love with me. I felt that I did everything for this man. I never made him feel less than. I am not sure he will go to counseling and I want a happy husband back with me.
Any thoughts, I am so devastated, Ive lost 12 lbs and just cant think straight. I love this person so much

Sep 11, 2011
Why???
by: Anonymous

Together 20 yrs ,married 15 +. I see I am not alone. Last November my husband told me he was unhappy and did know if he loved me anymore and has felt like this for at least 5 years. We started seeing a marriage counselor and working on us.

In January I found out he was having an affair for almost a year. With a person he tried making me friends with. He is up and down like a roller coaster it seemed to be getting better ,but its not .

Per hubby he dumped girlfriend months ago and he knows he loves me. But he is full of guilt, anger. He is ocd personality. He says he wants me and the kids, but he wants to leave he says his mind races and he is depressed but he doesn't know why he wants to leave My heart breaks , I feel hopeless , I love this man. I don't know what to do anymore. Mom of 3 :(

Sep 09, 2011
To Izzy
by: Heartbroken

Thanks for your comments. It's refreshing to know that others feel the same pain. You sound like a strong woman, and that's what we are...strong. So stay strong, and just as I have come to realize, I hope you have too, that it's not something that we've done wrong. It's definitely their problem.

We want so bad to help them through it, but you can't help someone that doesn't want it. I have a strong support team of friends and family already. We will continue to go through this emotional roller coaster, but I know that talking through it and seeing others with the same situation really helps. As the old saying goes, "This too shall pass." It doesn't seem like it now, but I know it will.

And when all is said and done, it's their loss! Who will be there for my husband when his health goes or if he winds up in jail? I'm pretty sure not his friends. My brother gave me some good advice. At first he said, "Don't be sad. Just get mad!" But then he thought about it and said, "Forget that. The best thing you can do is...nothing. Just lay low, let him go and live your life. Let him make the next move. And if he comes back, cool. But if he decides to get divorced, well then you will more than likely have a smoother transition since you're already living your own life and discovering yourself again." Sounds good to me.

My brother also reminded me of a rule I like to live by. Rule #1: Never panic. It's true. I feel like I've been having anxiety attacks lately, but then I remember Rule #1. Thanks again for your understanding and your great comments.

Sep 07, 2011
Message for Heartbroken
by: IZZY

I honestly feel your pain and know exactly what you are going through. if you haven't already, I would strongly reccommend counselling. I have been going now for 7 weeks and I am starting to fine 'me' again. I feel the same, scared finacially and I think the 'unknown' is also very scary. What I have done for me, is to say to my husband, OK if you don't want to be here, then thats fine... there is the door don't let it hit you on the butt on your way out...I think for me, it was a matter of making them realise what they have, rather then what they don't think they have, if that makes sense. I don't know you or your husband, but your situation sounds similar to mine (a part from the drinking), and don't want to tell you what to do, as I don't know all the details, and as hard and the pain that you will endure, maybe he needs to go away to realise what he is missing... he will wake up one day and go 'holy shit' what have I done... then it's up to you to make the choice whether you will take him back. Everyone keeps telling me to look after me, easier said then done, BUT if you can get some professional help for YOU... it may assist you to deal with this emotional rollacoaster you are on. My thoughts and wishes are with you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. x

Sep 07, 2011
Glad I'm not alone
by: Heartbroken

Reading all your comments makes me realize more and more that my husband is definitely going through a midlife crisis. He's 41 and I'm 40. Married for 12 years next month. I never ever imagined us apart. We've had the best times together and we've always expressed our love for each other. We always said we could get through anything together. Drugs, alcohol, money...any issue. But in the last month or so he's been hanging out with 25 year old friends (girls and guys) and has been out drinking every single night and most times doesn't come home at all. I asked him if he's having an affair, but he denies it. He says he loves me and always will, but it's not fair to me what he's doing. So I asked him to stop, but he refuses. This is the new life that he wants. I've been trying to be extremeley understanding and nice to him. I told him he has a drinking problem and I would be willing to go to alanon and wait for him to work things out in his head, but he told me last night that he's been trying to tell me for a month that it's over and he wants to move out. I'm scared financially. I don't want to lose my husband AND my house. I feel so helpless, heartbroken and lonely. I gave up the chance to have children in my 30's and now that I'm 40, I'm scared I'll never have kids. I was okay with that before, but now the loneliness is really killing me and I wish I had children, even without a husband. I feel doomed to be alone the rest of my life. And you know what, he doesn't even care. I feel no love from him whatsoever, even though he says he'll always love me. Not sure what to do except trust that God has a plan for me.

Aug 12, 2011
HELP My husband doesn't know what he wants
by: Anonymous

We have been together for 6 years (married for 3 years). My husband came to me 3 weeks ago and told me he wasn't happy with us, after me digging for more info, it's come down to, it's actually not me, he loves me to bits and is still in love with me. He has agreed to go to counselling and wants to work this out, he says he has this feeling for the need of independence, his counseller has put it down to him growing up to quickly as a child, and his father passing away when he was 16. I'm also going to counselling, but the uncertainty is killing me..

he loves me and told me he doesn't want to leave, but doesn't see any other option...I need help, there must be other options surely??? does he need to leave to realise what he has was actually pretty good.

May 13, 2011
HE'S LOST
by: Anonymous

My husband of 20 years tells me that he's not in love with me anymore. He says i'm wonderful and that he loves me very much. He says he's lost and doesn't know why he's putting me thru this. He has moved out to see if he can find himself to see if this is what he wants. I just stay nice and help him thru all of his pain but inside i'm just miserable. What do I do? Am I being too nice? Is he going to come back home? I'm just devastated.

Apr 19, 2011
mid-life or does he want a new wife
by: Anonymous

I have been married for 24 years have 2 teenage kids. I am a stay at home mom, very devoted to family.

The thing is I feel my marriage has fallen apart. My husband seems to be going thru a mid-life meltdown. He is acting very irrational, he says and does things that are mean spirited.

When I try to discuss his actions with him,he will often deny the whole thing happened. He has no explanation for his behavior. He often says that makes no sense, why did I say or do that. I am ready to separate from him, I can't take his cruel treatment. He is only mean and neglectful to me not the kids. He tells me I mean the world to him and he loves me.

I am very frustrated. I am in a lot of emotional pain. I love him deeply but,I don't know what to do. He says he can't change his behavior.

Aug 16, 2010
Me Too
by: Anonymous

After 19 years of marriage and four kids he tells me that he doesn't love me any more. He is close to fifty and I think that this is a mid-life crisis coupled with depression.

I have been reading and what I have read says I need to give him space and concentrate on my needs. I exercise a lot and that helps. Any other suggestions out there?

Jul 14, 2010
Same here
by: Anonymous

Been married to my husband for 20 years. All of sudden he tells me that he is unhappy and has been.

When I tried to ask him what he was unhappy about he said he did not know. He also says that he is not sure he wants this marriage anymore. I am not willing to give up. I am just completely in awe over this, and feeling very devastated.

He just turned 45, could this be a mid-life crisis?

Noel: It sounds like one.

May 07, 2010
in shock
by: Anonymous

We've been married for nearly 25 yrs & my husband moved out a few weeks ago.

I was given 3 weeks notice, he said he was depressed, didn't want to go to (marriage) counselling and said he needed his space & was very unhappy. Doesn't love me the way he used to he said, wanted to move out to trial, now doesn't want to come back.

All this happened when he turned 45. Sounds like mid-life crisis. I'm devastated.

Apr 13, 2010
check out this book
by: Anonymous

Read "Divorce Busting" and "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis ... and I also recommend "How to Improve your Marriage without Talking About it!"

Apr 07, 2010
Do I have a chance at saving this marriage?
by: Anonymous

My husband recently told me that he doesn't know who is anymore and what he wants in his life. He said that even though he knows that he has a loving family, a great job, and all that he needs, he isn't happy.

He said that marriage counseling isn't necessary because it's not me at all, that it is just him. Things that never bothered him before are now bothering him and he wants to be free of responsibilities.

Is there any chance for this marriage at all?

Mar 10, 2010
me toooooo
by: Annie girl

27 yrs married, thought EVERYTHING was very very good, and then my husband said he loves me, but is "not in love" with me anymore!

Are you kidding me? felt like the blood was drained out of me! He has agreed to counseling to find help. How do I react to this? it is a daily emotional roller coaster...I so miss my husband :(

Feb 22, 2010
I can literally feel how you feel!!!
by: Anonymous

My husband says he is not connected to me anymore. All of a sudden he doesn't know if he wants to be married. He also said he had been thinking about it for a while. He said he is confused and doesn't know what he wants to do with our marriage.
This is so hard, I need help.

Feb 07, 2010
me too!
by: Anonymous

Hi Cindy
I know exactly how you feel. The same thing has happened to me almost verbatim. I also want to save my marriage and don't know what to do.

I am attending Alanon and applying the 12 step principles and when I do they work maybe they can work for you. You are not alone.

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