my husband feels he is a father figure a female friend

my husbands married female friend is a manic depressive who has literally drained him emotionally with her daily issues. I have put up with it for 3 years and can no longer - there is no physical side to the friendship but he says he feels he is responsible for her when she needs him. He is now torn between me and his real child and doesn't know how to get rid of her as he feels he is abandoning her? Help!


Noel's response

He is obviously enmeshed with her. My suggestion is that he learn some boundaries, which may mean seeing a counselor in order to do so.

He does not owe her his energy and attention. The kindest thing he can do is tell her firmly that he can no longer give her the time and energy she wants from him, and she needs to see a professional counselor in order to deal with her problems.

If he doesn't he will never escape her neediness.

Comments for my husband feels he is a father figure a female friend

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Nov 15, 2011
Some personal thoughts
by: Anonymous

I realize I am not speaking to the one involved with this needy person, but I can verify the soundness of the previous advice given. I had a friend for about 11 years a single mom. I was her daughter's God mother and I gave this woman and her daughter so much over the years. I did it out of love for them both but the crisis just never ended. Everything was reacted to in overdrive. She tried to reciprocate with thank yous and cards at appropriate times, but the bottom line was she never really tried to understand me as a true friend would. i think she was incapable of this level of commitment to a relationship. When I had a real emotional need of my own and she just backed off said some very callous (but it's the truth) things to me, we lost contact for 6 month. When she finally called me again offering friendship I thanked her but told her it could not happen as I had been totally drained and disappointed that the friendship was so one sided. I grieved for a time especially for her daughter, but it was the best decision I ever made. I think I was actually 'enabling' her to continue in her behaviour and that ours was a codependent relationship. What does your husband get out of this situation. He must get something. I pray he wakes up and realizes he is losing far more than he is gaining from it. Hang in there and keep hoping for better times.

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