My husband is depressed and drinks too much

The Question

We have been married for 28 years. My husband has always had low grade depression, as have I.

A year ago I noticed that his drinking had escalated to the "abusive" range. I became very upset about this, and started to go to AlAnon.

Yesterday he told me that he didn't like anything in his life right now and that he was thinking of finding an apartment. Oh, and that I had become my mother. He wouldn't be specific about how, but he's never liked my mother, so the message seemed pretty clear to me.

As for me, I am confused, angry, and very sad. I do not know how much I want this marriage either. I've been walking on eggshells with his depression, and aside from taking multiple medications (prozac, clonopin, ambien and a couple of others), he seems unable to move in any direction to help himself.

I don't want to go back to a marriage that provokes such anxiety for me, but I also don't want the marriage to end. I guess time will make things clearer. I don't know how to be a more supportive spouse. I try to be appreciative of his positive traits but it doesn't seem to help.

Any suggestions? Would it just fan the flames if I sent him a link to this website? I'm really worried about him. I've suggested ways for him to get help in the past, to no avail.

Noel's response

It probably wouldn't hurt anything to send him the link to this site, but it might not help either.

As you are already in AlAnon, keep going to meetings. That is likely the best source of support for you.

His excessive drinking suggests to me that he is an alcoholic (as am I), and the only way I know of to help him is to 'bring the bottom up' by not being codependent, and perhaps by arranging for an 'intervention', for which you would need the help of a professional from an alcohol and drug abuse agency.