My husband just discovered he has a daughter he didn't know about

The Question

My husband recently found out on Facebook that he had a daughter from a relationship 19 years ago, and is now in a midlife crisis because of it.

He left my young son and I about 3 months ago and has made no effort to try and save our 11 yr. marriage. I have been with him 19 years, and I love him deeply. But he is pushing me away and blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in his life. He has even asked to be divorced but I am not sure that is what he really wants.

His daughter has him brainwashed with guilt for not being there for her growing up, even though she was adopted and had a nice childhood. She guilted him into thinking he owes it to her and her mother to get back together. I am thinking that an affair may have already happened because of my own insecurities.

I see he is in a lot of pain and won't go to counseling. I think the more time he spends living with his daughter the further away he is going to be from me. He wants nothing from me so he says. He won't even talk to his family. All he says is it's something I have to do.

How long should this last? It's only been three months and it feels like forever to me. I am doing my best to maintain my self for my 6 yr. old sakes but I am a mess too. He won't talk to me about it.

Several people are telling me to give him up and divorce him and I am not ready to give up yet. And part of me thinks he isn't either and can't say right now because he is to confused himself. How long should I wait for him? How long does this stuff last?
Audrey


Noel's response

It sounds like a very difficult situation for both of you. You are in pain over him leaving, and he is probably in pain trying to figure out the right thing to do. Men are conditioned to look after their families, and now he has a daughter he didn't know about!

As to your question, I had a friend who was a marriage counsellor, and he used to tell couple to hang on longer than they think they can. Three months does not seem to me to be long enough to decide to write your marriage off.

I have a friend whose wife said she did not want to be married to him any more after an accident with one of their children. My friend hung in for almost two years before she decided to go to marriage counselling with him to try to work things out.

It may be a good idea for you to see a psychotherapist to help you figure out what you need to do now, but I would wait longer before deciding to divorce him.

As to how long this stuff lasts, there is no answer - it lasts until it is over.