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My husband just discovered he has a daughter he didn't know about

The Question

My husband recently found out on Facebook that he had a daughter from a relationship 19 years ago, and is now in a midlife crisis because of it.

He left my young son and I about 3 months ago and has made no effort to try and save our 11 yr. marriage. I have been with him 19 years, and I love him deeply. But he is pushing me away and blaming me for everything that has gone wrong in his life. He has even asked to be divorced but I am not sure that is what he really wants.

His daughter has him brainwashed with guilt for not being there for her growing up, even though she was adopted and had a nice childhood. She guilted him into thinking he owes it to her and her mother to get back together. I am thinking that an affair may have already happened because of my own insecurities.

I see he is in a lot of pain and won't go to counseling. I think the more time he spends living with his daughter the further away he is going to be from me. He wants nothing from me so he says. He won't even talk to his family. All he says is it's something I have to do.

How long should this last? It's only been three months and it feels like forever to me. I am doing my best to maintain my self for my 6 yr. old sakes but I am a mess too. He won't talk to me about it.

Several people are telling me to give him up and divorce him and I am not ready to give up yet. And part of me thinks he isn't either and can't say right now because he is to confused himself. How long should I wait for him? How long does this stuff last?

Noel's response

It sounds like a very difficult situation for both of you. You are in pain over him leaving, and he is probably in pain trying to figure out the right thing to do. Men are conditioned to look after their families, and now he has a daughter he didn't know about!

As to your question, I had a friend who was a marriage counsellor, and he used to tell couple to hang on longer than they think they can. Three months does not seem to me to be long enough to decide to write your marriage off.

I have a friend whose wife said she did not want to be married to him any more after an accident with one of their children. My friend hung in for almost two years before she decided to go to marriage counselling with him to try to work things out.

It may be a good idea for you to see a psychotherapist to help you figure out what you need to do now, but I would wait longer before deciding to divorce him.

As to how long this stuff lasts, there is no answer - it lasts until it is over.

Comments for My husband just discovered he has a daughter he didn't know about

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Dec 03, 2015
Just find i had a daughter after 30 years
by: Marcel

Well after I was told at a young age she wasn't my kids I went with my life and a few week ago this woman I will call her ask me a few question on FB and I was wondering.

And next morning I answer her the best I could and sure enough her mother had told her for 30 years God was her father sick lady and I went down 7 hours drive to meet her 4 days later spent the weekend she's married with 3 kids.

She doesn't hide anything from me and she had give to Christmas to her mother to say who was her father. I was shock and mad because this woman was divorced at the time and she had lost her two kids and went she got pregnant with me she told me nope not yours and I was kind of saying I well i'll take her word put for 30 years something was telling me something else guts feeling and I wasn't wrong.

My wife which I'm with accept her with all her heart and no way my daughter would like a separation. But I missed her marriage which her mother took her brother as her father to take her to the alter and so on I missed all of her childhood and I feel this woman is a witch because her other daughter that's 9 years younger want to now her dad but when she call the man he flip out and say all kind of thing and say don't ever call here again. So I took mine and i'm very happy that i'm a grandpa and the kids are 12-9-6 girls the oldest and two boys but that weekend I went to their hockey game was fun and went shopping with the kids.

But at the end the rush was pass .My wife say are you sure 100 percent and I say no so I call my daughter and say would you go for a DNA i'll pay everything but I knew she was ready because she had mentioned it before and we did it last week and waiting for the P or N myself i'm thinking P but who knows. But just to say it's not my fault I was lied to and feel that all that time what she missed and she open up during the weekend and it was time she find her dad, I really don't know if it come N what she will do even myself I will feel sorry because she really open herself to me and growing up she didn't have it easy and she's well raise and her kids also put the think she told me would had never happen with me.
But when a mother put on a federal paper no father someones should say sorry lady god don't make baby so speak up. I feel for this woman and I hope she don't blame herself because nothing she can do to change it. He need help.

One thing my wife ask and I think it's normal was what we work for is it going to change I look at her and say nope we work hard for what we have and it's Ours which I will take care of my grand kids and daughter don't get me wrong But there a limit. And to say something to her like no correct her but not be on the same level as her it's hard to tell her and serious it hit me very hard to find out after 30 years.

I don't wish that on my worst enemy because the feeling you get and the up and down it's hard.

Sep 29, 2014
husband discovered daughter he did not know about
by: Anonymous

My husband of 27 yrs. found out on facebook that he has a 41 yr. old daughter from a prior fling. I want to accept her, but I am scared. My husband also has bladder cancer and a 30 % chance of making it past 3 yrs. It has already been 10 months. I am going to trust in God to guide me thru this. I just do not want her to take him from me. His bladder cancer has effected our lives greatly to this point. I have become very insecure,fall apart easily,not coping with anything very well. He does not want counselling. Any suggestions?

Jun 19, 2014
Just happened to us
by: Anonymous

My husband just got a message from a nineteen year old saying that he is her father. She looks just like his sister.

I am so confused by the people on this forum! I was searching for help navigating this situation and including her in the family. I never imagined complaining about this girl that never knew who her father was.

You people are horribly selfish.

Jul 03, 2013
daughter finds father on facebook
by: Anonymous

This situation is much different. The daughter finds her father on facebook and makes all kinds of problems for our marriage and we end up divorcing because of it. Less than a year after all of this father and daughter have a sexual relationship and a baby that was removed by DCF due to neglect and abuse. So now not only has his daughter split up his marriage she has had sex with her father and made a child with him. Yet he is not in jail for this why?? How is the now ex-wife supposed to trust the ex-husband with the child he had with her that is in her custody when it comes to visitation rights? He thinks he did nothing wrong and is still with the daughter he had the baby with. Who thinks this situation is sick?? There is a thing called genetic sexual attraction with long lost adoptive relatives. So what is the ex-wife supposed to do now?? She is devistated by this and can't understand how this all happened?? The husband had never cheated before especially not with his own daughter. He is now verbally and emotionally abusive to his ex-wife blaming her for everything he even accusing her of having his other child taken away and she didn't call DCF the neighbors where they were living with did. They have a young son that he feels he should be able to see on weekends. Who thinks it's ok for the ex-wife to keep their child away from this abusive situation? And does anyone have any advice for the ex-wife??

Jun 23, 2013
To the message above this one....
by: Anonymous

Please can we talk? I have been searching and searching for someone in a similar situation. We, too, got a call from a 21 year old girl claiming to be my husband's. The call came 4 months into our brand new marriage and has ultimately ruined us from the inside out. It kills me. I would like to talk. Please respond to this if you can and we can figure out how to get in contact?

May 11, 2013
You selfish people
by: Anonymous

What about the child who knew she had a father and waited years to find him?? What about the devastation she is feeling because you can't accept her? You are the one who is keeping her from knowing the love of her real father. I'm 48 years old and just found out who my father is. He had no idea. We confirmed with DNA and now his wife and other children don't like it??? What about me? I have wanted him for 48 years! Why am I to be punished? You should open your hearts and give the love you were lucky enough to receive. I know I'm worth it! My father has a grandson and two great grandchildren. Why should we be outcast to make you comfortable?

Mar 27, 2013
I was told that I have a daughter!!!
by: Anonymous

For several years 22 to be a fact!!!I have been told that I have a daughter. I have never meet her and don't know how to go about this. I was dating a person who was split up from her husband for awhile. She got back together and I found out that she was expecting a baby girl. She called me just after giving birth and said that the baby was mine. Still to this day she still claim that I am the father of this child??? What can I do???

Mar 21, 2012
by: Anonymous

Well my husband of 4 yrs just found out he has a daughter with someone he had a fling with and when the girl was pregnant she told him it wasn't his baby and now 10-11 yrs later she says it's his, It shocked me and I can't imagine what he is goin thru and I know there's nothing I can do abput it. He hasn't met her yet, he just thinks all his past has came to bite him in the butt!

Nov 11, 2011
my husband found out he has a daughther he didnt know about
by: Anonymous

A year ago my husband and i got a message on face book, from a 21 year girl stating that she was his daughther, from a fling just before we got married 22 years ago. we have 2 children 19 year old and a 15 year old.
when we found out our life came crashing down around us.
we just didnt know what to say to each other, even though we are a very close couple.
a few weeks after learning this my husband met this girl, her story checked out. my husband begged me to meet her, so we could get to know her, i tried, but it just broke my heart knowing that he had father another child. we had a DNA test which proved positive. I started seeing a counsellor trying to make sense of it all. I have only recently decided that i cannot accept this girl. my children dont want to accept her although my daughter has met her once. my son has never talked or mentioned what his father has told him, and has decided never to mention it ever. A year has passed a very turbulent year, but my husband and i have got through, where i sort councelling this has help me overcome anxiety and depression. I explained to my husband that i couldnt accept this girl in my life and he has decided that he can no longer meet her, and has cut ties with her, as we feel our family has been damaged. i feel he threw himself into work and has never dealt with how he is feeling and now i believe he is depressed, what i went through in the begining, i believe he is now going through the same but worst. We are still coming to terms to what has happened to us, but we have been damaged as a couple, and are trying to repair our marriage.

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