MY husband of 35 years has MLC

by Hurt Wife
(Tennessee)

We have been married 35 years, and he has always been hard to live with..he has temper tantrums, never there for me when I was sick, basically didn't want to be bothered with kids ect. I did everything ! Worked a full time job, took care of kids, house & yard! Well out of the blue, 3 years ago, he looked up his old girlfriend, he said he just wanted to see how she was and made a date for her and her husband to meet us for dinner...and thats where it began. they have talked every day, 2 or 3 times a day ever since..She pretends she is great friends with me, but she does not fool me, she loves all this attention he is giving her..he is so kind and caring to her and it hurts because he has never been this way with me. He says they are only friends, but I have proof otherwise. But in his mind, if I am the cause of this ending, I will be doomed to live with his rage. I am 55, I do not want to start over. So now he is really nice and caring to me, covering his tracks I guess. All I want is for him to see what she is, but I can not be the one to do it.


Noel's response

I am not sure I understand what the 'ending' is you refer to. Do you mean his relationship with the old girlfriend is ending and that he might blame you for that happening?

You cannot control what he thinks, but you can control what you think and what you do. It sounds as though you have have had a unsatisfactory marriage for a long time, and that you are prepared to live the rest of your life in this painful relationship rather than be on your own, or look for a new relationship.

Perhaps a few sessions with a psychotherapist would be useful in helping you figure out what you want to do with your life, rather than have all your energy focused on your husband's wishes.

Comments for MY husband of 35 years has MLC

Click here to add your own comments

Apr 05, 2013
ASK HIM TO LEAVE
by: Anonymous

If he has been uncaring for years I would not hold out hope that he can change. He just sounds very self centered and selfish to me. Do you even love him or is it just a routine you don't want to end as you are scared what is around the corner.

I agree you should let him know you have proof. He is not kidding anyone; not only is he messing up your marriage but he is messing up someone else's that should count for something. Maybe you should let the other husband know, I know I would feel betrayed if someone knew something like that was going on and didn't let me know.

Divorce is a huge step to rush into maybe asking him for a separation would be good. Make him leave. He may grow up and become the man he should have been all along. If not then you are better off without him.

Assets are divided in most places 50 50 especially after such a long marriage. I know since my husband left me hard as it was I am a better person. I am less stressed less angry my health is much better and I am getting to know myself again. I would still like him to turn himself around as I know where what he is doing leads. I hope for reconciliation and restoration as well.

I am a stander as they are called I do not believe in divorce but I am not prepared to just jump back into a bad situation. maybe this is a chance for something better for your life. I am 64 so 55 is not too late.

Mar 29, 2013
He is not worth your time
by: Anonymous

I don't think that he is a good man for you to even bother with. From what you have described he is a selfish person and the fact that he wanted to meet his high school sweet heart shows that he is immature. It is time for you to value yourself and your own priorities in life. Life is so short and you have to start thinking for yourself. I was in your shoes almost 3 years ago. My ex walked out on me but now I am so at peace with the decision now. It was the worst thing that happened to me but it was the best thing as well. I had a chance to see myself in a new light and like myself better. I have more energy. I am committed in doing only what I want to do with my life. Of course life with him had many perks but I feel more focused and meaningful the way I live right now. I feel stronger. I can say to people that I don't really give a ... and don't care for certain people's behaviours... Best of luck and take good care of yourself and those who care for you.

Mar 29, 2013
My Husband of 35 years is having a MLC
by: NWF

Hello, My advice may be seem rather harsh to you but I have been where you are and I think you should bring your proof of an affair to your husband...otherwise he is eating his cake and you are letting him. He can't have it both ways, with two woman. He is being nice to you due to his guilt and teenage feelings. You need to tell him that he is hurting you and the children, if you have children. Please go to the website: midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com and read about midlife crisis there. If this seems what is happening to your life you can get advice there and much support from all, including me. If he is just being a fool, he may stop when you bring your proof to him. If he is having a MLC, he may take off and try to relive his teenage years again. This is called Replay and it is NOT your fault. A midlife crisis, his unhappiness, is due to burying feelings during their early years and it comes back to haunt them around 45 or 50+ years of age. He needs to deal with his shadow before he can fix other things; this is not easy for them to do nor is it dealt with easily. It takes a long time to unravel the buried pain for the MLC'er and they will get angry doing it and take it out on you. My H, now xH after a 3 year long divorce, walked away from his family 3 years ago with his ex high school GF also. She dumped him after high school and broke his heart 35 years ago and now he has rewritten history and says it didn't happen that way. It did. The other woman (OW)are very good at manipulating our H's...and they let them to fulfill the "What if's" in their heads.

Big hugs for you. Find someone you totally trust and hold on tight for the long haul.

Big Hugs again, NWF

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Ask Noel.