My husband says he loves me but he's not in love with me?

by Lynn

My husband says that he loves me but he is not in love with me. He says that he doesn't know what happened but he fell out of love with me. He's 45 years old and he just keeps saying that I deserve better than what he can give me, and he wants to just leave for 2 weeks to see if he would miss me. He says that he would call me everyday and still help me with the bills but he just wants a break.

When I tell him to talk to our daughter and tell her that he is going to leave, he always says, well maybe we could work on it some more. I really don't know what to do, I believe that he is going through mid-life crisis, and I would love to know if you think that he is also.

By the way, our sex life has gotten a lot better, like everyday for the past 2 months. And he is trying more ways for us. I'm loving it. Help me!

Noel's response

I don't have any advice I haven't given the many other women who have written with similar situations, so I suggest your read their stories and my responses.

It sounds as though your husband may well be going through a midlife transition, and if he is willing, marriage counselling might be useful.

Comments for My husband says he loves me but he's not in love with me?

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Aug 29, 2012
la vie est belle
by: Paris

After one year that my husband announced me that he kind of didn't want to live together and we needed to divorce, I do not want him anymore. The most funny thing in this story is that from the moment (it happened few weeks ago) I felt like I escaped from my pain and I can move on, he wants me back. I truly trust that the thing that I didn't want him anymore made him change his mind. Men are worse than kids. He destroyed our common life and in my believe there is no way back, because I went through my pain and I do not want to come back to the past. One year ago I was ready to die. I am sure it is difficult to believe, but now I feel good, I feel confident, I have my job, renting nice appartment, I have my child with ne and I have a lot of men around me whom I do not want, not yet, because I need a good one - the best one. And I know that I worth it. Life is beautiful! We don't need one single man for life to make our lives beautiful! Courage!

Aug 18, 2012
by: Anonymous

I would like to point out that it seems like none of the women on this website really seem to examine why their marriages are failing (except for the obvious ones, drugs, affairs etc..). I'm not placing blame on anyone, I'm just saying I think alot of people are only looking at their problems as being the husband's fault when really there might be something else going on (why does your husband feel the need to go to someone else? are you making him feel rejected?)...I guess I just see alot of people who blame the husband when their marriages fail and I kind of wonder if that's at the root of the problem? I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, I know that it's always difficult to see your own faults and to accept them... there just always seems to be alot of blame on the husbands, when really there are two sides to the equation...
Just pointing out something pretty striking that I happened to notice in these posts in order to help alot of women out there and improve lives :-)

Jun 02, 2012
my husband dosn,t want me anymore
by: Anonymous

My husband started a new job 3 months ago . he has decided that he dosn,t like the way I act or dress and keeps asking me to step up or I will have to leave as he dose,t want to continue the marriage. He dosen,t understand or listen to me when I try to explain how I feel when he scream and shouts at me to step up

Apr 11, 2012
confused what to do
by: Anonymous

I am married for 8 yrs with two kids and when i had my first born my husband starting to move out in the nights without informing started talking on phone secretly and sending sms and when i questioned him said why he cant have friends, that after too many arguments he stopped going out less but use to continue in office hours and now almost after three years on my birthday i saw sms he wrote to her saying have a gd night love when i asked him he said dont take it negatively it was just a prank and even met the other lady then she said they r just friends and now recently a week ago he send me an sms saying i want to confess something then i asked him r u in love, then he replies yes but i cannot live u I love u and want to love u until my last breath and when i asked him he confessed he has baby girl with her born one month early than my second born both r one year now. He even celebrated the birthday of the child saying it is his friends birthday all the family members of the girlfriend knows about their relation. i am really worried he says lets he will leave her and go back with him wherever i want and if i am here will still c her

can i leave the country and go or else i stay here and give a chance to my marriage, i am really confused as i cant share this anyone of my family members what to do.

Noel's response

It sounds as though your husband wants to be with this woman as well as have you. You need to decide whether you are willing to put up with that. If you are not, you will need to let your husband know, with the risk it will end your marriage.

Mar 13, 2012
meditation a bit helps
by: Anonymous

Mine left me 6 months later after my father's death. In one year I lost my father and my husband. At least I have my son who is 5 now. I still cry every day. Meditation helps a bit but this inner pain kills me from inside. I am not ready at all to love any other man. I can't imagine loving another man because I still love my ex-husband. he loved me as well, we were very happy together. My mother in law just destroyed our family. She hated me from the very beginning when a child was born. The only thing I can suggest is to meditate a lot, learn to forgive things, find inner peace and to not attach yourself to any man because nothing on this earth lasts including true love. My husband was everything to me - the closest person in my life. Sometimes I think if my Dad knew what my husband did to me.. perhaps it is better that he left my world thinking that his daughter was happily married. I am 33, I could restart my life with another man but I am not even able to look at anybody. I love my ex husband so much. He hurted me so much.

Feb 24, 2012
Going through the same
by: Anonymous

The best advice that I can give you is to pray, and open up the lines of communication. Recently my husband decided to get away which really helped. We have decided to do more mini trips with just the two of us.

Feb 04, 2012
To lady that has been married 45 years and no sex...
by: Anonymous

...your husband is gay and got married to you to cover up that he is gay. I guess in your generation being gay was also a taboo just like divorce

Jan 18, 2012
by: Anonymous

Try reading I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper - a book for anyone who needs help and advice dealing with their partner’s past relationship(s) - brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores - Kindle or paperback!

Jan 12, 2012
he will never be in love with me again
by: Anonymous

My husband says he loves me but he's not in love with me. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Its been about year since he told me this. I dont think he will ever fall in love with me again. Sometimes i feel like were only together for comfort.

Jan 09, 2012
husband says he loves me but not in love
by: Anonymous

Well my husband hasn't really loved me since we were married. Married 45 years and only had sex on our wedding night. Since then he moved his things to the basement, started working nights, and fixed it where our weekends didn't match. Also to add insult to injury I found some old medical papers that said he was fixed. Now I'm not sure of the extent of how he was fixed. He is a very selfish person, doesn't care about me at all. And then out of no where he just retired, and he still eats and sleeps downstairs as far away from me as possible. I should have left years ago, but back in the day things like divorce
didn't happened alot. My parents wouldn't have supported me back then. So I've lived with it. I'm so beaten down and I'm to old and weak to continue that living like this for more years won't be a problem.

Jan 07, 2012
He has been practicing on someone else!
by: Anonymous

Your husband is having an affair. The same thing happened to me. Please confront him and do not allow yourself to be tricked by him. You need to get your financial situation in order in case he asks for a divorce. Believe me, I have been there!

Dec 10, 2011
by: Anonymous

I was 16 when I got with my 24 year old husband ogether 10 years married 2 years. He stated that he was in a midlife crisis and didnt know if he wanna b with me or not. He said that he is not in love with me anymore but still loves me cares about me I want to be friends. We have a 7 year old daughter together. Blames me that we're not together. I've been there for him to the worst and he can just throw me away

Nov 12, 2011
So confused!
by: Yardy

My husband of 25 years met up with his ex girlfriend, before he went to the army. He was 17 at the time. Throughout our marriage she has contacted him on and off. She was unhappily married from day one of her marriage. She has finally left her husband. They met up and caught up on the past etc. He came home and talked about her non stop. I saw the warning lights and showed my disapproval as I could see where this was going - too late! He told me he is in love with her and she makes him feel elated. He then told me he loves me but not feel as a husband should. He just wants to be friends with me! This has gone on for two years. He seems happy with life but I am desperately unhappy. There is no intimacy and no emotional connection. People around wouldn't notice but I cannot live with this anymore. He has no contact with her - so he says !! I think I have to make a final decision and insist that he moves out? He refuses counseling because he says it's a feeling within him and he says he's giving as much as he can. ?So unhappy and so confused....constantly hoping that things will change never does. Any advice???

Jun 11, 2011
He loves you but not in love with you
by: Anonymous

my husband told me a few weeks ago that he was no longer in love with me but still loved me as a person this has happened once before in our marriage and we managed to work through it. but for all these years I have never heard him tell me he loves me and I learned to not say it to him.

we have two children aged 15 and 12 we have decided to try and work at it again but this time he has stopped all kissing and any cuddles but we do still have sex but no kissing during the sex. so as you can imagine I just feel so empty and alone. I think he needs to see someone to talk to as he did not have the best childhood. I don't know all I know is that I still love him and am in love with him just don't know what to do. I asked him last night why we don't kiss goodnight or goodby anymore and he replied I don't know then had a bit of a laugh. is it time to give up on the marriage and leave? he also thinks i deserve to have someone that can give me what i need like love HELP

Jun 08, 2011
its me again the husband in the motel
by: anne

He is still living in the motel and comes here 3 times per week. I don't even give him the satisfaction of calling him anymore, I gave that up about a week ago. He actually just stopped in and asked me if i wanted sex and i told him sorry I can't do that.

He stayed for a about 45 min and then left. As he was leaving I asked him about the bruises on his arms and he gave me a lame story as usual. He is doing meth and I told him that I feel that he is too good of a person to be bad, but he is making his own choices.

It has been six months now since i told him to leave. I think that he wants to have a family life but the drugs are keeping him away. I still Love this man, I was with him forever, but I have decided to leave him alone now. I think that if he wants to be separated then we should really give it a long separation period of actually being separated.

I think that he should not come here for a period of time, its not fair that he thinks he can come whenever he wants....i mean after all he is not living here and chooses not to be here...i asked him not to come around but he don't listen...i should not have answered the door and the next time i won't.

He thinks he can have his cake and eat it what do any of you suggest, is this the right thing ...has this happened to anyone else, if so what was the outcome. Does anyone think that it is too early to start to date and see my options or would that be considered cheating...?? Any input would be great and I will keep updating once per month...Hope to hear from you.

Jun 03, 2011
Who cares?
by: Anonymous

If you ever stop and think about love and what it means, I have realized that it means many different things to different people... I myself don't NEED to be in love with someone in order to be happy with that person...mainly because I am not needy... and although there are people out that that SAY they are "in love" does not mean they are happy... I know this may not make sense so bear with me...

This guy that I am currently seeing says he loves me but is not in love with me and does not know if we are meant to be.. WELL GEEZ it has only been 3 friggin months!! and all that bull about JUST KNOWING is just that - bull!!!

I mean how many times have we ALL JUST KNOWN only to get screwed in the end...It is all about perception... about who we are/what we think we want/how the other person makes us feel... all these thoughts are fleeting and come and go... If love is so powerful why is there divorce?

So here is my point... I am going to continue seeing this guy because he has qualities that I love - and I am "in love" with myself... I know what I bring to the table...Self confidence, intelligence, beauty (inner and outer), love, peace, the ability to listen without judging, and quirkiness...

And if that is not enough for him he can just eat dirt and die!!! LOL

Remember who YOU ARE...You are NOT this marriage.. You are NOT just a mom... You are what you are... and if you cannot remember - re -discover! Let him take his 2 weeks!!! Tell him to take a friggin month!!! You may find that you are not in love with him as much as in love with the idea of being in love...


May 26, 2011
just gone
by: juliette

19 years of what i can only say has been an above average marriage. 2 kids. happy life. great home. no money problems, a little too perfect and bang he has gone.
didn't expect it didn't see it coming.
kids 10 and nearly 12 and he walked out the week our daughter was 10.
no reason no answers but of course there is another woman who is married and not told her husband.
i know i need to move on but don't understand why it happened this way.
any answers from people who have been or want to ask me question...
just need to talk.............

Apr 23, 2011
its me again the husband in the motel
by: anne

well i found out why when i kicked him out on our anniversary he is not coming back. It is because he is into drugs and that is the reason I kicked him out in the first place because I thought that was going on.

By the way he was blaming me i thought maybe I made a mistake. We are talking now and it has been almost 5 months. I have not texted him at all and I got no more time on my phone which has allowed me to do this.

He came over with our grandchild the other day and I let him know that I am there for him and I know that he is on drugs. Of coarse he would not admit it, but I told him that the person he did drugs with confronted me about it. He still did not admit it to me but he is seeming to be a little more open to talking to me as I feel that he knows the JIGS up.

I asked him to come home and I will help him with his problem but now i am not sure if that is even what I want to do as this has been going on for a long time i believe.

I have taken the step to go to court to get support and half of what I am entitled too. I feel bad about this but i don't want to lose my home and everything else that I have worked for my whole life.

Not sure what to do, I thanked him for having discipline and not coming back as I have learned what I want In life as well. I told him that I trust him in the decisions he is making and if this is the right one for him that I am behind him 100 %.

Not sure if that is right as well....God this is so hard, but I know I will be okay. Please let me know what you think.

Noel's comment

It sounds to me as though you are on the right track. Stay with what you know is best/right for you. You cannot rescue him from himself. And I doubt very much that having him come home and you trying to help him with his problem would be a useful thing to do.

About the only way to help him with his drug problem is to 'bring the bottom up' by letting him live the consequences of his actions. Inviting him home does the opposite.

Feb 16, 2011
not sure what to do anymore
by: Anonymous

I am not really sure what to say but I am having a similar situation with my husband.

My husband and I got into an argument and with my big mouth, I told him to get out. We have been married for 23 years and I asked him to leave on our anniversary. Since then for the first month he would come to the house crying and say that he isn't good enough to be around his family and that we don't like him there, but I begged him to come home.

It has been over 2 months and he still won't come back. There is no other woman involved as he is pouring himself into work and we spend 1 day per week together.

I want more and I tell him that I love him all the time sometimes he responds with I LOVE YOU TOO or sometimes he responds with nothing. When we are together, it seems right.

He feels as though I do not need him but I definitely want him in my Life and I want him to be my husband. We have a grandchild and when we get together we always take him with us, as I think he is our bond right now. Our kids are grown and since they left home it seems like we do not have anything in common anymore.

I get that we have to find ourselves again but I think that we can do that living together and he doesn't understand it that way. When I ask him to come home he says he is not ready.

When I tell him that he must like living in the motel he says he hates it. I don't know what to do from here. I get so frustrated with him, because I made a mistake when I kicked him out. I did not want him to actually leave, but he did. IT kinda seems like he is making me suffer.

I told him the other day that I thank him for leaving because if this is how much he loves me to hurt me like this, then I am glad it ended.

I am so confused and I honestly don't know what to do anymore. In Aug of this year he almost died and I am not sure if he is now re evaluating his life. I am scared and not ready to let go.

I am living in the home and he is paying the mortgage as I just lost my job. He says to me that he is just a pay check, and he isn't! I have never said that to him as I have always worked to.

I just want my husband back and I regret what I did and I want to take it back. Does anyone have suggestions cause iam at my wits end ...

Nov 12, 2010
my husband says he loves me but he is not in love with me
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain as I am going through this now with my husband. I have been married for over 30 years, he has had affairs in the past, but we managed to work things through and become closer to each other.

This time it is his high school sweet heart that he trying is hook up with over the internet as she lives miles away. he says he is in love with her..

My suggestion to you is to let him go and the worst thing you can do is to chase after him He will realize what he has and that he is chasing a fantasy.

Many men will try to come back home to their spouses...When he gets there, I hope he will find out that he is chasing a dream. Good Luck to you and be strong. If he wants a divorce give it to will only make your life better.

Oct 10, 2010
My husband says he loves me but..................
by: NWF #2

Don't let him go for 2 weeks as he probably won't come back, this is his excuse for a way out the door. He will start to lie and deceive you either on purpose or not-who knows. Take all of your $$ out of the bank or put it in another account for yourself. He will take it to get an apartment so he can have his space or so he says.

It will not be easy for you to live with him during this. It will tear you and him apart so be as patient as you can and don't get very emotional with him. His emotions are a mess right now because he doesn't know why he is unhappy and will try to blame it on you. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He will exaggerate all of his unhapiness onto you and get angry at you for his problems that he has not dealt with very well for a long time. The midlife crisis is caused by something from early adolescence and not anything recently. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is also called an "anima projection" by Carl Jung so you might wnat to read up on that thru Google.

I have learned much about this horror from the website Check it out and try to validate all of his issues, you may say that you don't agree but do not try to change his mind as this will make him more angry. Don't let him leave!!!

Also, he is feeling his own low self-esteem and that is why he doesn't think he is good enough for you. Tell him that he is good enough for you and try to get him to tell you what he is feeling inside. They will deny any depression or that it is a midlife crisis. And, hold onto your hat--it will get much worse so get ready and be as strong as you can for both of you. Find a close friend that you can trust fully and hold onto her for dear life thru this mess they put us thru.

With great hope for you, NWF.

Oct 10, 2010
MY husband says he loves my but........
by: NWF


I had just written you a long note and poof it was gone so I'll try agian.

"He loves you but is not in love with you" is because he is confused. He means he cares for you but his emotions are becoming confusing for him because he feels dead inside due to the midlife transition. My husband wanted sex all of time also--after 6 or 7 years of what he thought was ED, so we were both very confused by this but happy. Our relationship had greatly improved due to this and I felt more in love than I had for many years. But this whole time he was having a long distance telephone affair with ex HS girlfriend that dumped him when he went into the Army and broke his heart. Then he went to her after he heard she had been in town for validation of all his false issues with me and he left 4 months ago. He wants to feel in-love again but it will be infatuation with anyone who will be willing to sleep with a married man, trust me. My H's GF wants him so badly that she moved here from Fla. 1600 miles away. How desperate is that? He is still married but he filed for D 6 months ago after 2 months of telepone conversations and our home is for sale. It has dragged on, with my help, and he doesn't seem to be forceing these issues. He also has many items still at home so when he feels better he feels he can still come home. So far this is true but I am hurting very badly and have lost 30 lbs. from the stress and I was not overweight to start with. She, the other woman (OW), is heavy and has large b--bs and this drives me crazy and so does him having sex with her but I must tell myself that she doesn't matter. She is just here to calm his confused mind right now and I hope he figures this out soon or I think I'll break inside for good.

It seems as though I wrote too much and have to break it in half. Read on next page.

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