my husband says he still loves me but not like he use to .Is that normal

by christine
(sydney)

MY HUSBAND SAYS HE STILL LOVES ME BUT NOT LIKE HE USE TO


Noel's response

Often when people have been married for a number of years they begin to lose the 'spark' in their relationship. Men (and women) often equate the 'spark', which is really a combination of sexual attraction plus a projection of their concept of an 'ideal mate' onto their spouse, with love.

The 'spark' usually disappears over time as the projections are withdrawn (the spouse discovers that their partner is really a flawed human being just as they are), and the build-up of small resentments due to unresolved conflict. We often think 'small irritations' are too small to bother with, but in reality they are just as big as the ones that cause big blow-ups, just not as dramatic.

Getting the spark back usually involves speaking honestly with each other about these small irritations, using 'I statements' so the other person is willing to listen. This often requires a counselor, so both people can get a fair hearing.

Actual love is really treating the other with kindness and compassion. In other words, it is an action, rather than a feeling.

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