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My husband turned 50 yesterday. I really thought we were doing great. What are the chances we as a married couple will survive this?

My husband turned 50 yesterday. He has completely thrown me for a whirlwind emotional turmoil. He has decided after 20 yrs of marriage, that he is uncertain of his role in our marriage, that he is empty inside. I am bereft. I don't know what to do. I really thought we were doing great. We have 5 children ages 19 - 7. I am on a roller-coaster of emotions. He won't even hug me any more.

Noel's response

My only suggestion is you read the other submissions here from women in similar circumstances, and take what knowledge you can from their comments.

Comments for
My husband turned 50 yesterday. I really thought we were doing great. What are the chances we as a married couple will survive this?

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Jan 12, 2012
 TURNING 50 ? DOESN'T REALLY MATTER
by: JO

just men, I do believe. he made a believer of me. he is 61, when they have that look in their eyes and want to learn to play a guitar, and they buy a new red sport car, didn't change his hair style,(doesn't have any) didn't change his clothes, but definitely changed what he likes: me. wanted to club , dance , play poker,, and travel to Europe with her on his arm. even tolerated Disco bull____ music, and said it was okay. Rega, whatever it is, nothing he ever liked before. rapping almost , chanting, hot! he was always to informed if that is possible , interests were spread from coast to coast and knew so much about everything. he could coach little league, soft-ball, football, elder of the church, girls softball, golfed, liked sports, knew so much about history and everything else. did everyone's taxes for them. counseled and mentored., all the reasons i fell in love with him. he was everything he ever could of wanted to be before he became her toy. amazing, I never congratulated him for being 30 years her senior. wow, that's something to brag about, --to who? yourself, I guess for the rest of your life. wow
Nov 07, 2011
 husband is so cold and hurtful
by: Anonymous lady

I recognize your story, a lot applies to me. My husband is nearly 50 and is becoming more impulsive, he is cruel and creates arguments, is cold but I always find myself stupidly fall into the trap of arguing back. He claims I twist his words and am a sly bitch, but during this heated time I am left wondering in the middle of this - where the heck he is coming from? Why am I sly/ a bitch, he started the argument - Christmas again!! I have never been cruel to say to him that when the kids are gone (16 & 19) he is off, can't stand him?? He has said this sort of thing quite a lot of times over the past 3-4 years. Was leaving me new years eve last year until our eldest became a priority as got in with a bad crowd. Have said to him last night he was mean-hearted, to stop putting me down. tries to do this a lot lately, I am in a rut being overweight fat/repulsive loose body /was pretty once, but my husband seems to hate what I stand for. I feel in the way? He says we have nothing in common except the children. We like different things, sick of driving to the pub so he can wind down 3-4 nights a week with 2-3 pints (plus the tinnies, I am bored witless by this routine, he wont put himself out for me except once/twice per year
I am nearly 99.9% confident there is no one else involved, he is old fashioned there, but feel he is paving the way for his single life without me.
I love him. I am loyal, I married once for better for worse. He has depression and I bought him a SAD lamp the other day, wish I could ride the storm but my heart is breaking, feeling wounded again, another knife in my heart. Why does he do this I love him, we could have a great future? On occasion he has said the same, but when he is on a high, in a happy mood. How should I deal with this? Help, he wont go to marriage guidance, tried it years ago - said it was his fault and wouldn't go back after one meeting.
Oct 20, 2011
 Husband of 15 years... update
by: Tammy small town in Ga

Well, He admitted he cheated on me. With a woman that is 58, two years older than him. He says first they just started out as friends cause they had more in common than he & I & he don't remember when it got out of hand...I'm been mostly angry about it... They have been seen out in town together. So, He has made a laughing stock of our marriage. While he's been gone with her since October 26th, 2010, he's been hoping to fix things back with me. NOT! He wanted gone so bad & talked about her before he left. Well, He can have it. I cried & begged for him to stay before he actually left. He was like I'll be gone for only 2 weeks. As he was leaving I said "See you in 2 weeks." He said "I don't know it might be longer." Well, I'm not his door-mat no more. He dealt his hand, now he can play it. He has regrets, & wants to come back. But, life goes on. Now, we are starting a new chapter in life without each other. It's scarey for me. But, I'm happier in the long run.
Oct 20, 2011
 cold eyes
by: Anonymous

It is with shock i recognize the cold eyes on one
comments. These men are trying to convince themselves that they dont love their partners,
so from time to time their real feelings surface
which are quickly submerged. I would say my partner is mentally sick!
Oct 09, 2011
 exactly the same situation
by: same

HI,
am in the same situation. my husband is completely detached and cold and told me he doesn't love me anymore...
these guys are just asses and super selfish...
Sep 24, 2011
 Husband of 15 years needing sometime to himself.
by: Tammy from a small town in Ga.

My husband is 56. He has been acting strange for sometime now but more over the top since June. I am 41 & we have been together for 16 years married 15. Our kids are grown, He has 5, I have 2. Only my youngest is at home & He will be 19 in 2 months. I think my husband started midlife crisis about 6 years ago. He was miserable & He acted like He hated my 2 & I. Around that time he started a new job which took him away from the house for half the week. That was relief for us all. I love this man. I have suspected him having affairs. I likes to be around younger people. Course now he says it bothers him about our age difference cause people has commented on him being my Dad. Just recently with my help he realizes he's going through mlc. Learning that has given him some peace of mind. Now, he's talking about leaving home for a couple of weeks. I already have trust issues concerning him. What do I do? I'm worried. This could be the best time in our marriage if he allows it.
Aug 13, 2011
 i think i know what the problem is
by: Anonymous

i think the problem is not the marriage or you- -the wives, yourselves - i think the problem is that you got married too young; your husbands got married too young. your husbands got married to you, at too young an age before they had really experienced life or being with other women and now that they are older and their mid-life has approached they are realizing just what they missed or never had. that is a big thing. this is no reflection on you - the wives - just the reality of the situation.

your husbands i believe did what they were expected to do at such a young age - due to social pressure, family pressure, religious pressure, etc. - find a woman, get married and have kids. when you are young and have those expectations from others (a very big thing) you are not strong enough emotionally and mentally to say 'no' to those pressures and do what you really want to do. so you do what others expect of you - you fear going against those expectations, you just want to be accepted and belong - so you get married young because maybe that is what everyone else is doing around you and you don't want to be different, an outcast.

but now that your husbands are older the expectations of others don't hold power over them as it once did - now older, they are stronger emotionally and mentally, and the fear of not doing what they really want or missed out on when they were younger, before they die is a big incentive to start doing what they really want now - and they realize they can at their age do what they want. so they are doing it. wives, in your situations, there is nothing you can do but move on with your lives. i am sorry.
Aug 08, 2011
 Ditto
by: Anonymous

I am exactly the same as the previous 2 posts, 22 years of marriage, husband approaching 50, children grown, thinking life as a couple was just beginning again. However he has moved out a week ago, already talking about divorce and yet still has feelings for me!

I am bereft, I feel my life has been a lie, where do I go from here? My only comfort is reading some of these posts, knowing others suffering the same helps me feel more normal, useless and unloved but normal!
Aug 03, 2011
 Help!
by: Sue

How old are these posts? I would like some advice.
Jul 31, 2011
 Men turning 50
by: Anonymous

My husband changed his outlook completely around the time of his 50th birthday. In the months leading up to it I noticed that he was distant, less affectionate etc. Once he turned 50 it really went downhill. He took every opportunity to pick a fight, had no interest in me any more and rarely wanted sex. He became cruel and critical and was very negative,everything was my fault. Although I knew we were having problems I thought it was just a rough patch and we would sort it out but he was adamant that we were over. We were a great couple for so long I still find it hard to believe he really left and it's even more shocking that a year on he has no regrets or even doubts. He is now 51 and going on 18, living the life of a young single man with no responsibilities. When I see him now it's like he's a different person. He has staring, cold eyes. I still love him but what can I do ?
Jul 29, 2011
 To Similar Situation
by: Anonymous

Are you headed for a divorce? My children are much younger, and they are completely devastated. It's now only been 6 days, we have had one marriage counseling session and the counselor told me - based on what we each had written down (confidentially) that we have very different goals. Mine was to keep our family intact, she of course did not share what his was. She is also suggesting individual sessions now. I don't know if he will go back. Did you try counseling at all? Does it help?
Jul 28, 2011
 Still unable to comprehend
by: Anonymous

Hi, my husband and I went through a very similar situation, its actually scary why these things happen. It is one year on and I still don't have answers as to why. My husband is 49 and last July 2010 out of the blue one day he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. I thought our marriage was going to last forever. He just came up one day and said he had no feelings for me anymore and wanted to be alone. After 2 weeks he set himself up in an apartment and now seems to be living the life of a 20 year old all over again. We have 2 children 18 and 20 he says that they are old enough now to make their own choices, if they want to see him they can. I hope you can work your relationship out but I think if 2 people cannot get together and discuss what their thinking and feeling its just not going to work. Good Luck

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