My man keeps dragging up the past

The Question\


How can I help my partner if he is constantly bringing up things from years ago that irritated him but he addresses them as if they are current? He is always referring to past and is unforgiving of the littlest things.

Noel's response

Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you in order to deal with the real issues that cause him to bring up the past. If he won't go, see a therapist yourself to figure out whether you want to go on living with this man.

Comments for My man keeps dragging up the past

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Sep 07, 2012
My man keeps....
by: NWF

Let him bring up old things and agree with him unless that hurts you. What harm can that do? He will remember things correctly after a few years of this. He is looking for validation from you. They (old worries) have been burried in his mind for a long time and he is just now dealing with them. This is mild depression.

Please, all of you, go to the website: midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com and read about depression--this is prior to a full blown midlife crisis. He is trying to deal with what he has not dealt with for a long time. His mind is making him do to. Do not take it personnaly --it is not meant to be. Give him space and be very patient--no yelling, it will make him worse--emotionally worse.

Be kind, love him, validate him, do not cry in front of him. If things get real tuff, go to the other room and tell him you will be there if he wants you. Give him space and time--he will need it. Not too many Q's though, he is having a hard time right now. Try to be understanding or he will get much worse and possibly leave for awhile to deal with his own demons. Do not argue with him but be gentle and tell him the way you remember things from the past. He may try to re-write your history together.

Sep 07, 2012
Annoying Men
by: Anonymous

How about one who assumes things and brings them up in a conversation. I feel like you cant trust that person. Specially when you tell him how you feek about that. Sometimes its best to keep your. secrets cuz it will get thrown back in your face

Aug 24, 2011
talking about the past
by: Anonymous

I am going through same thing but it is me who talks about the past to my spouse. he is the only guy I had a long relationship with for about 13 years. But I have lived a tough life due to my family and his. He was never emotionally available to me because of excuses that his parents never showed him affection, bla bla. he is never able to make me laugh but I try to for him.

I mostly seem bitchy in his environment since I have never been liked by his family and friends due to different social class. He is arrogant but God did I had to make him realize how he phases out.

There is so much that I had to show him that it is not nice that he just put it out like this or that in public, then he replies that he was never shown how to. I tried to put all the crap a side but now I don't know why I guess I woke up mentally and see him for what he can give me which is muscle work and convenience.

I get a good salary (according to me it is fine). all I want from him is to open up about us and talk to me about us what we have gone through and how much he loves me all by his own initiatives but he doesn?t unless I bring it up. our lives from his perspective is portrait as loving and caring...but I feel dead inside. I even had to yell it out to him that I am hurt by the non-argumentative conversation turning into devastating arguments.

He gets bubbled up. I told him that he needs to grow up and there he goes justifying his actions. It is always like this. I do an effort to change my life from what my folks and culture gave me at home and outside with people/work, but he puts it that outside he has to be care full but why at home should he be care full with words since we have together for so long (it seems as if he thinks we are unbreakable!)

I have realized that love is not enough to keep a relationship together. I have one life to live and I want to feel what it is to communicate emotionally as a couple. Is it a fairy tale??? I don't know but I do not want to live in negativity.

Nov 11, 2010
My man keeps dragging up the past
by: NWF

Validate his concerns as best you can without denying them. He is feeling unhappy inside and wants to blame you for it. It is not your fault!! He also probably feels low-self esteem so hold him up and build him up and give all the sex you can handle--it will probably be more tender than usual due to his emotional state right now so go for it.

Give him space and don't bug him about chores too much. Watch your money, if he tries to move out--take it so he can't move out--not even for a few days, he will not come back for 6 months to maybe 2 years.

Try to get him to talk with you about what he feels--but do not push him. Find a good friend and hold on tightly. Also, try not to cry in front of him, his emotional state is very frail right now.

I wish you well. Try to eat right--I lost 30 lbs. when my husband started this behavior and then the affair because of his messed up emotions. He also filed for divorce as soon as the affair started--go figure--after 17 years--because he transferred his emotions for me onto her and visa-versa. I know he still loves me and won't tell me otherwise but he thinks he loves her more. It is infatuation not love. Validate his concerns!!!

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