My wife wants kids but at 58, I’m too old!

by Dan
(Portland)

I’m a retired 58yo man, married to a 39yo woman. Before we got married 14 years ago, we talked about kids. She wanted one, but knew I had a vasectomy. (done after I had a child with my first wife). I agreed at that time that I would try to get a reversal, but it had been so long since it had been completed, that the chance of success was slim. After we were married, one thing after another delayed the attempt. (Finances, Job Transfer, College, Helping Aging Parents, etc.)

We’ve had a wonderful marriage and love each other deeply. I retired a few years ago and now run a small Internet business. She’s a great wife. She’s a professional with a good job, we have a good sex life, a great home, we travel, we have time for each other in ways you can’t when children are involved. Now she wants to change all that by having a baby. She feels that she is missing something in her life and needs a child. She has decided that since I’m older now, she will just get sperm from a donor clinic and get herself pregnant. She tells me it’s her dream to have a child. She doesn’t want to stay home and take care of it though, she wants to continue her career and of course I’d be Mr. Mom. Thing is, I feel differently now. A man doesn’t look at life the same at 58 as he did at 43.

Over the years I’ve grown to love our (childless) life together. I love kids,(in moderation), and we enjoy “borrowing” our nieces and nephews for the day once in a while, but at this point in my life I just don’t want the responsibility of taking care of them 24/7. My dream was to retire early, travel, explore the world, have some adventure in my old age, and mostly just live a nice easy stress free life. All that will be gone if she has a child. I’ll be in my 70’s when the kid graduates from High School. Can you imagine having teenagers in your mid 70’s?

She tells me I’m selfish and not thinking right. She sees the adult relationship I have with my daughter who lives across the Country, and wants the same thing for herself when she gets old. I feel bad for her and wish I could give her what she wanted without giving up the life we have.

At this point it seems neither of us can realize our dreams without the other giving theirs up.
We’ve talked with counselors, but is seems a woman counselor will side with the women’s point of view on this, where a male counselor will see the male point of view.
So how ‘bout it? Am I not thinking right?
Any comments or ideas?

Noel's response

When I was in my late 50s, even grandchildren wore me out after a short time. Now I am 65 they wear me out even faster. My wife is the same, although she can manage babysitting our youngest grandchild (1 year old) longer than I can.

Your wife has no idea how much less energy people in their 50s and beyond have. I guarantee you will not be able to keep up with a baby, let alone a toddler and all the ages that come after that.

My only suggestion is that if your wife is determined to have a baby, she will have to stay home to look after it.

Comments for My wife wants kids but at 58, I’m too old!

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Dec 20, 2011
sss
by: Anonymous

"by: Mother of three"
He also has a right to change his mind, just like you women do!
You are the selfish one forcing your opinion on the man for the benefit of one, the woman. Your advice is poor advice!

Nov 23, 2011
Sorry but You Are Being Selfish!
by: Mother of three

You had a deal with her. She married you knowing that one day you will grant her that wish of being a mother. The fact that you don't want it now is like changing your mind after you have signed up into the deal. You can't understand how she feels because you already have a child. But what about her. Yes I DO think you are being selfish and not caring for what she wants. Just like you got used to the childless life you will get used to the wonderful life of being being a parent. Nobody said its easy. It won't be. I assure you. But men and women don't see the child thing the same way. It is a much more important thing for women than it is for men.
Denying her to have a child will drive her to go seek a life with someone else who will grant her the life she want!

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