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My Wifes daughter is out of controll

I am 42 my wife is 39. She has a 21 year old daughter from a previous marriage. We have been together for 9 years, married for 7 years. I always knew her daughter was very spoiled because my wife couldn't tell her no and follow through or stick with it. I thought that when her daughter left for college things would be better but they have got worse. Her daughter is now 21, a senior in college and very out of control and disrespectful to us because of this.

Her daughter is drinking heavy, parties a lot, will not do any thing on her own, always has to have Mom to do it. Calls her Mom with all kinds of drama even in the middle of the night when we are asleep. She has gained a lot of weight and is so spoiled that she is about a size 16 now but used to be about a 10-12 but still wears the smaller size because that's what she wants to be. Her butt and gut hangs out over the top of her jeans all the time her tops are to small so nothing covers this. I have told my wife that I am ashamed to go into public with her and wont do it.
When she comes home to visit she shows up about 2or 3 am because she goes to see friends first,then will stay on the phone till daylight keeping everyone up, it doesn't matter to her that we have to get up early to start our day the next morning. She sleeps till her mom gets in from work then it starts all over again.

There are other problems with this girl too many to mention, just a spoiled brat and no one is to get in her way or tell her NO. I have tried to talk to my wife about this several times over the years but she either tells me its none of my business or will say something to the girl and not follow through with it.
I am at the end of my rope and I am considering divorce to get away from all this. Am I wrong?
If we do divorce I am thinking about relocating, Is this me having a mid life crises or do I really have a good reason to be upset.
Thanks, Mike

Noel's response

If your wife refuses to stand up to her daughter, it sounds to me as though you will need to give her an ultimatum: either she stops molly-coddling her 'little girl', or you move out (not necessarily to get divorced).

It sounds as though your wife has some serious personal issues that prevent her from being a proper parent, and would benefit greatly from psychotherapy.

Mike's reply
Well you gave me some great advice, thank you.
I own my own home, my wife has no interest in it so we did separate for a few months. She went to live with her mother. So I guess this problem must go back more than one generation. We did both seek counseling and I let her come back home because I thought she saw the problem with the crazy relationship she has with her daughter but it is still going on.

A long story short my wife said she was going to stop all the as you say model coddling her daughter but that hasn't happened.

So we are still together we just don't speak of her daughter and her daughter does not come here she goes to see her daughter. Mom still even buys the clothes to small and I confirmed from one of her daughters friends that she is gay, which is really not a problem if this crazy relationship between my wife and her would change.

I do have my home on the real estate market and if it sells my wife wants to get another home only with her name on it too but I am not willing to do that with this relationship. If it sells I may get a divorce and move totally away. We live in Missouri and I really want to live in Wyoming.
My question is am I wrong in that last paragraph or is this a midlife symptom.

Noel's response

Before moving to Wyoming, I would spend a few months there as a visitor, to see whether what you think you would find there is really there. It may not be, and it is possible what you are seeking is inside you.

Hey Noel,
I want to say thanks again, but can you help me out on what you mean by what I'm looking for might be inside. I don't want to do something I will regret.

Also should I keep trying with my wife and her daughter problem or do you think this thing will continue. I do love my wife but she is letting her daughter be the boss and run her life therefore running our life and I don't intend to keep living this way much longer.
It causes my wife and I problems because I don't give in to her daughter, I keep my rules and that's what her daughter doesn't like, and the reason I'm not willing to put her name on a house with me because I know her daughter will really take over then because she will know her mom is part owner and mom wont say NO. Thanks again, MIke

Noel's response

What I mean by 'the answer may be inside' is that often people look for a way to be happy by changing something outside of themselves. Moving to a different town, or state or even country to find what they want is called 'the geographical cure', but what often happens is in a short while, the person is struggling with the same sort of unhappiness they were dealing with in the last place they lived. As the Buddhist expression says 'wherever you go, there you are'.

You did not say why you wanted to move to Wyoming, so my caution was that if you thought you would find something there (outside of geography) that you couldn't find in Missouri, you could be disappointed, as the source of happiness is inside you, not outside. Often it requires personal and spiritual growth.

As for whether you should stay with your wife, only you know the answer to that. If you are sure your wife will continue to choose her daughter over you, you will know what to do.

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