perfect relationship now what

by marilyn
(san antonio texas )

i have been with this man for 3 years. i have 2 children 5 and 7 and he is the only father they know these are not his children but, he treats them as if they are and for the last 2 years has taken care of them everyday for me since i work long hours.


recently he is acting crazy says he cant handle the kids or his work or anything. several weeks a go he told me about a random text message he got that someone sent him thanking him for last night. he says he didnt know who it was and erased the message and waited 2 days before he told me about it. he knows i have insecurities and we are together every night so i wasnt real worried about it but, then he started acting strange leaving work at odd times, dumping his trash then taking out the trash to the dumpster just not like him changing as soon as he gets home sniffling and spending time in the bathroom staying up all night after having sex with me and masturbating ? im so confused and hurt im not sure who he is he says he is concerned for his health so i made him a dr's appt to have something checked.

he is concerned about my son's behavior has changed he is 7 and quite a handful and gets in trouble everyday at school which is causing a fight at home with us i think he is too hard on him he says he is a boy you need to keep a hold on him now otherwise in 5 years your gonna have real problems.

since we have been together he has been through a nasty divorce and hasnt seen his own children in almost 3 years. his wife is keeping them from him we have to go back to court to deal with that so we are in the process but, he just isnt the same we went from sex everyday to nothing. we went from happy to no talking he says i investigate him too much checking his phone looking through his trash asking him constantly where he is and what he is doing bothers him he says.

Im just not sure i trust him anymore i feel that something is going on he swears he wouldnt cheat on me so what is it drugs ? The only reason i thought it might be a female is because of the text and why did he erase it why not jsut show me but, he says i would have freaked out but, i am freaking out more because i feel like he is hiding it from me he says well i didnt have to tell you anything about it and you would have never known well i guess he is right but, is this amid life crisis? he says he cant handle anything the kids the work the fact that i think he is cheating? it makes no sense to me and i have serious issues myself i have been with nothing but, losers and drug addicts and liars so in my 30's i thought wow i finally found a guy who isnt a complete loser he is helpful and willing to be here and help me but, i make more money than him ,and therefore i wk more. I dont know if he wants his space because he is just burnt out on helping me now after 3 years but, he is freaking out over keeping the kids for 1 hr before i get home and says he cant handle it anymore please help what do i do.

Noel's response

You don't mention his age, but assuming he is 40 or older he may be in a midlife transition. If he is, having a a big drop in energy, and 'not being able to handle things any more' are two typical symptoms. A drop in sex drive is also not uncommon.

As you mentioned, you have insecurities, which make you suspicious. I suggest you get some counseling to help you deal with your insecurities, as your being suspicious all the time can be very hard on your relationship. He is right when he says if he hadn't told you about the random text message, you would have know nothing. Now you are ultra suspicious. If he was trying to hide something, he probably wouldn't have told you about the text message.

Regarding your son, I recommend either he see the school counselor, if there is one in his school, or perhaps family counseling, as often children act out tensions that are not being expressed at home.

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