Returning to Ex Flame who "stalked" him?

by Christie
(Ohio)

My significant other of 12 years just broke off with me. He confessed that a friend of his put him in touch with a woman who has carried a torch for him for 40 years, with whom he had alternately had a relationship, just lived with, treated as "one of the guys", etc. Our relationship has been hard the past year and a half, but instead of talking to me, he talked to his ex-wife and friends about it. He never asked why I was not as loving as before. I had valid reasons, none of which were that I didn't love him. Anyway, this ex-flame (she moved seven times before he got married just to be near him) has been living in Florida. She finally stopped stalking him (her own admission ... stalking) when he married an moved to Ohio, although she did call him from time-to-time. She's never stopped wanting him for the past 40 years. She never married, although she has a grown son in Florida. So he told me two weeks ago that he is in love with her, and they are having a long-distance relationship but it is "serious". I am 57 (have been with him through professional difficulties, a heart attack, etc.). He is now 65. The ex-flame-stalker is about to turn 60. She is in Florida, he is in Ohio. He is devoted to his two grown sons, both of which plan to stay in the same town where he lives. We live about 45 minutes apart.

Could he really be in love with this woman, whom he jokingly calls his stalker? Is this a phase? I am very distressed.

Noel's response

I can understand your distress.
I don't know whether he could really be in love with this woman, but if she truly has stalked him in the past, I don't see how it could be a satisfying relationship for either of them.

The real question for you is what you are going to do going forward from here. I recommend you figure out what you want in your life, and in a relationship, with or without him, and start moving toward it.

Comments for Returning to Ex Flame who "stalked" him?

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Feb 13, 2012
Living in the past
by: ccchristie

Noel, I am the one who posted this story. Thank you for your reply. Regarding the term "stalker", she identified herself that way, and he told me "she was a 'nice' stalker", probably because she built up his ego so much by chasing him around three different states. Basically, I think he is lazy. I think that it was easier to start up again with someone who is so wrapped up in him that he doesn't have to make an effort, versus trying to work out recent problems with me, who has been an integral part of his life for the past 12 years. At the time of the breaking-off, he took me to dinner, had his hands all over me, kissed me, looked at me and said he loved me and always would, then said this is "serious" with the Florida woman. I left the restaurant while he was paying the bill, but we were supposed to go to a movie after dinner. I cannot believe that he seriously thought I would go to a movie after his declaration of a "serious" relationship with this woman. I called a friend who picked me up. He tried to call me on my cell phone when he couldn't find me in the restaurant, but I didn't take the call. I am a very freedom-loving woman who gave him a lot of space. The 45-minute distance between our two homes helped that. He doesn't like to be bound. Having someone in Florida, whom he can only see occasionally (although they talk on the phone "daily, which is no small thing" according to him), it seems to me he is living in the past, thinking of what it was like with this obsessed woman from 1971-1981 (when he left her and got married). Actually, they were only really a couple for a few months in 1971 (I was still in high school!). Most of those ten years, they were buddies and just roommates, even though she was crazy about him. In our relationship, after I figured out that he would never move the 45 minutes to buy a house closer to me, but wanted his own life in his condo, I grew to accept and embrace that decision. It gave us both freedom and attachment at the same time. However, I suspect that I was a bit too laissez-faire the past year or so, even for him. This way, he feels he is with someone whom he knows is totally devoted to him. Still, at 65, he's not the man she stopped chasing in 1981 when he got married and was only 35. This is very confusing to me. I think he wants a built-in person who never questions him. One of his comments to me was "she knows everything about me" .... whereas I think that although she might know facts about him, she doesn't really "know" what he is like now. Even if she did, why would she think he has changed ... just because he is telling her so? If I were her friends in Florida, I'd be advising her to check this out before falling head over heels again ... He was married 19 years, and with me for 12 ... that would give me pause if I were thinking about moving from Florida to Ohio!

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