Sad Lady

I am 54, married 32 years to my prom date. We have 5 children and my husbands business did very well up until 4 years ago. He had a big deal that was suppose to be the one to provide for the rest of our life but it got hit by the economy, half of it went through. We are one of the lucky ones who are still on the upside in his kind of business but he had a very hard time living with what happened. He has had a lot of issues with his partners whom don't really need to make another penny. His partners are a father,(not his) daughter and her husband who came in later. He also had a mentor, an old man who died, He has ADHD and depression and for two years had an affair with a married woman 10 years younger. I know all the "whys" or all the reasons it happened. He swears he never slept with her, they mostly texted and fooled around in a car in a back parking lot like live masturbation. At first he was in lust and even admits that he wanted to sleep with her. He claims he was mixed up and felt numb. Now I am numb!! He knew quickly that he enjoyed discussing her business and helping her with it, but that he did not love and did not need to go further sexually. He liked the game, the escape and the sex. He says he knew he loved me and absolutely thought I would never find out. I found out by a phone bill. I was not looking for it and had no idea!! Shocked!!! He dropped her immediately and begged for my forgiveness. He has been everything you say, works harder to get along with partners, nicer to me then ever, more sensitive, appreciative, loving, caring etc. Definitely so sorry he did it!!My problem is my heart is broken, I feel numb and I hurt so bad I don't know what to do. I found out 8 months ago and still am a mess. He says and for the most part I know it was not me. I stood by his side, did not push him, told him I would do anything to help, sell the house, we were so lucky, and our kids were healthy, I loved him more then life itself. WHen I ask him my part he says it absolutely was not me. I no I was naive, insecure and a little depressed myself do to feeling people in general do mean things. I worked for 24 years for him doing bookwork as a side business that he sold because he thought he was on easy street. Problem is I always said to him please don't cheat on me, I could not take it. I said this many time when it was going on. How did he do it for two years with me saying that! I can't get the graphics of the car out of my mind. He begs me to get better, that he loves me so much. He even got out of the office a little and has begun some side things in hopes they will grow. He can't stand my questions any more. He says it is so common, (that makes me sick!) Let's move on so he say's and now tells me how much we have to live for. I feel he knew I would have a major problem with it because I kept telling him so but took the chance with ruining our lives anyway. I am stuck on that. I also can't believe he did not love me enough to end it before!! I know I was a pretty happy person and he always said I live in LaLa Land. I also know I set pretty high standards in what I expect from the people I love. I still love him but I want that "special" back like after 30 years when he would walk in the door I would still get excited. He thinks that infidelity is so common that it is a part of life, that he did not sleep with her, and that I should be happy he learned how much he does really love me. I got a new job, got into a hobby with a friend and am thinking of taking a class while still taking care of a 92 year old mom. I am very depressed, tried some therapist of which one looked at the phone bill and went :OH my lord" over the amount of texts. That made me feel real good. I tried talking to some friends but I get stuck and can't really do it. Now, I don't even want to talk to friends or be with them. I want us to work and he wants us to work. I am really broken hearted, I thought he loved me so much he would never do this. I don't want to push him away. Please help this Sad Lady


Noel's response

If you want to save your marriage, I think you will have to forgive your husband (notice I didn't says 'forgive and forget')

You obsession with his affair is literally killing your relationship, and the stress if very hard on both of you.

I appreciate you felt better when the therapist you saw seemed to agree that there was a lot of texting, but that doesn't sound to me like a very professional therapist. I suggest you try another therapist, perhaps ask friends if they can recommend one, who might be more helpful to you.

Therapists are like any other professionals - some are better than others. You don't want one who will commiserate with you. You want one who will help you.

Comments for Sad Lady

Click here to add your own comments

Dec 04, 2011
Sad Lady
by: NWF in NH

Somehow I just lost my full letter to you.

The short of it is go to "midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com" and read everything under there and print it if you can for later reference. It will explain what happened to him and help you to understand many issues. Remember that this is not your fault, it happened to him and if he tells you he loves you after making it thru this, which it seems he has done, believe him. You do not have to forgive him but understanding what happened will help you. The rest is up to you now. Do not badger him about it but when he seems open to some discussion use "I feel" statements and not "you did" statements. Be careful with emotional statements as he may not be fully thru the tunnel yet and it will set you back. His turmoil and confused emotions caused him pain also. He was looking for attention from someone else because he felt dead inside to what was familiar to him because of his unhappy confused "feelings", not yours. This is hard for all of us to deal with and I have been going thru it for 1.5 years also. Do not plead or beg him for anything--it will push him away and try not to cry if he is still going thru this but be yourself as much as you can---with empathy for his pain. He knows that he hurt you but may not fully remember what he did. Try not to argue with him about his thoughts, that will not help either. He wants validation and attention from you-do not over do it though-he will get suspicious if it comes all at once.

I am getting better after almost 19 months of him being gone but it has been a horrible experience. Allow yourself to "feel the pain" when he is not around you.

Go to the web site above and read everything, from start to finish. It will answer many of your Q's.

Hugs for you, NWF

Dec 04, 2011
check this page out
by: Anonymous

read your story sad for you my husband has been gone now for 5 yrs . he is in midlife transition always said he loved me just found out in june this yr that he was seeing different women he told me he thinks he did it to make him self fill better . in the beginning i would beg and plead for him to come home. he made this all about me it was my fault, but when they are in pain they progect their pain on to the spouse when i found out about the affairs with the women i started looking up about midlife crisis i found this web page midlife crisis support for lelf behind spouses very good page it has helped me alot to know what they are going through best to you

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Ask Noel.