Sex Chemistry - is it more an issue in mid life?

The Question

My husband of 14 years with arranged marriage, and his ex still on his mind, there was no mad lust in bedroom dept. But we did share intimacy, though over the last few years it has been very little due to in-laws constraints. The blame could be on both of us.

But now when I tried to revive the relationship, my husband, who just turned 40 this month, said that there has never been any sexual chemistry between us. He is happy masturbating and is not really stressed about not having sex.

He has had partners before, but he was my first and only sexual partner. Though I had boyfriends, I didn't do more than making out with them. I was shy, inhibited and young when I got married to him.

Now, I feel cheated out of good sex life and intimacy. He doesn't want a divorce and is caring to our kids. But that alone does not satisfy me for life. I have changed my look, I have got noticed by others, and sure am not an ugly duckling.

Is this something to do with mid life crisis? He doesn't need sex as much or just not bothered with me for some other reason? If this is a phase and he will get over it in time, I am prepared to wait, with working on intimacy, doing things together and reviving our sex life.

However if this is not related to a midlife crisis, I need to get my life in order rather than waste more years ahead.

Thank you.

Noel's response

It could be a combination or things, including a midlife transition. A man's sexual interest can decline in his middle years, although that is more likely to happen in his fifties than forties.

It sounds as though your marriage in general has lacked closeness and intimacy, plus the complication of the in-laws, whom I assume you live in the same house with. Sexual desire can be affected by a lack of intimacy, closeness, communication, opportunity, and even tiredness. I don't know whether you work outside the home, but there are many reports these days of couples having little or no sexual intimacy because they are both too tired from working plus looking after kids and running a household.

My suggestion is you see if your husband will go to marriage counselling with you to rebuild your marriage relationship, which then may well rekindle your sex life.