Should I be supportive of the changes he wants to make?

by Carolina
(Coral Springs, FL)

The Question


After reading all these postings and analyzing my husband behaviour for the last months possible a few years (not as intense)I finally concluded that he is going through a major MLC.

He left home and came back a few weeks later. We tried counseling and did't work. He is still unsure if he wants a divorce; sometimes it feels like we are separated under the same roof and he specifies that he when locks himself in the guest room and that breaks my heart. Other times he is nice and we have lunch together.

He doesn't want any debts including the mortgage, so we put our house for sale and he wants to simplify our lives. I supported him on selling the house and in reducing the space. Our daughter is already 22 and almost done with college so there is no need for a big house.

Part of his MLC before he left the house was that he obsessed with new age, energy books and he even joined a group or something like that. He was sleeping outside in the grass behind the pool for a few nights. He talks very strange, he is a completely different guy from the one I have shared my life with.

Sometimes I am afraid because he screams at me and he gets so irritable, he blames me for everything and he brings back stuff from many years ago. I feel devastated he is my only family in this country. We meet in Germany and I am originally from Colombia. I thought of going back to Europe with my daughter if things go the wrong way.

I have been working on myself and trying to improve some behaviors I know they didn't help my marriage.

My main question is should I be supportive of all the changes he wants to make? Is it normal for a MLC to engage in new spiritual ways and to obsessed with this? Could this be over at some point? How should I react when he talks to me about this and I only think he is not making sense at all and not being rational?

How can I help if he doesn't want to take medication for his depression? I love my husband with all my heart and all I want to do is to help him, but what is the best way to help? Do you have any books you recommend reading? Thank you so much for your help.

Noel's response

I noticed you have said nothing about what you want. That would be a place to start, as you are an equal partner in your life together. I suggest you be supportive of changes you agree with, especially if they affect you directly (such as selling your house), and not support things that affect you negatively.

A possible reaction when you think he is not making sense at all and not being rational is to agree that he thinks these things are important, but you do not relate to them.

It is not unusual for people to get deeply involved in new interests, including spiritual and ecological ones, when they are going through a major transition, as they are searching for something to give new meaning to their lives.

All things in life change and come to an end as some point, so yes this too shall pass.

Some books you might find useful in understanding this situation are:
The Seasons of a Man's Life

Crossing the Soul's River

These books may give you some insight into what your husband is going through.

I also recommend you continue seeing your therapist, in order to help you figure out what to do with your own life, with or without your husband.

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