Should we do as he wants and leave?

by Andrea
(VA)

Hi Noel,

My husband and I have had the most amazing marriage for 15 years. Out of nowhere he tells me that he just needs to be alone. He has been very honest with me about his feelings and swears that there is not another woman. He told me that he has been going over his life,goals,passions & our marriage over and over in his head. He knows that this is very sudden but he's not sure what is happening. His mind won't stop, he can't sleep, takes walks all hours of the night and says he feels numb. He said he loves me ,but right now he needs to figure him out. His work has on site housing so he can't move. He wants me and our teen daughter to leave & give him time to figure things out. He cries and apologizes for doing this. He says he hates himself and the way he feels but can't help it. I love him more than anything, he has truly been the perfect husband and father. he says if he doesn't get space he thinks things will not work out. He says this would be a temporary arrangement and he will pay for everything. I told him that I want to help him through this, not abandon him. What is the right thing to do? I give him space when we are home but its clearly not enough. I am encouraging him to talk to a professional but he said he will do it when he's ready. I don't want to lose him forever. What should I do...stay or go? Please help me, I am lost. AW

Noel's response

What do YOU want to do? Moving out is a big thing. If he won't even see a counselor, what assurance do you have that he will not dither around for a long time? I suggest you talk to him about exactly what the conditions would be if you did move out, how long he thinks he needs, what he proposes to do to 'get things figured out' and then see whether it makes sense to move out.

Comments for Should we do as he wants and leave?

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 24, 2012
It has been a year now...
by: Anonymous

It has been a year since I my original letter. I ended up moving out with my daughter 4 months later. I couldn't take it any longer. It was like living with a complete stranger. We have talked about trying to work on us, but he still feels, confused, unsure, unworthy... He told me that if we were really going to try to make our marriage work that he needed to be completely honest with me. There was another woman, 25 years old. She ended up moving in with him 2 mos after I moved out. I told him that I still want a future work him but she needs to be out of his life for good. He says that he knows that he wants to be with me forever, but worries that hes not ready. Its too soon, he needs to deal with his issues. I told him that we can take this slow and do individual therapy then work on us. I really feel that he truly wants help but isn't sure where to begin with him...or us. he says that he misses the "old" john. I miss him too, I see him coming out more and more. So much damage had been done to our marriage, will we make it through this???

Jan 12, 2012
MEN AND EXCUSES
by: jo

I was told to leave but when I asked him if I did would it be over for us, he told me yes. I begged (which I know we aren't suppose to do) for him not to think this way. he wanted me to leave so he could,"quit taking advantage of me," ya know I've often though my husband wrote all the books on falling out of love, and wanting freedom and getting lost in the woods (MLC) and escaping, and how exciting the ow was is----how wrong I always was, would never allow him to do anything (God only knows what he wanted to do--I asked him? da!!! I even encouraged him to do whatever with our kids, retreats, vacations--alone if he wanted , trips with friends, did he want to hunt? fish? see his cousin? I asked and encouraged. I am a "crazy mixed up bitch , ____ bitch" "always have been always will be" he remembers saying that. what does he say now? strike that he didn't mean that. I read you cannot get back words when spoken,like"get out of my life" . you can't get back the stone , when thrown, (his choices) . his choices became habits and then his habits became his life. I pray I can help him, but only God can do that..

Sep 27, 2011
Response
by: Anonymous

I believe that you do need to get the foundation for your living expenses; he stated he will pay for things so make appropriate arrangements to set up some sort of system for this.

As far as staying, I know how much your heart is telling you to stay (along with the other posts), but I think if you do not give this man his space then it may potentially push him away permanently. I think he needs to go through his own little "firing squad" and decide and learn how much he misses his family and things will hopefully then work out.

Good Luck!

Jul 14, 2011
Thank you
by: aw

Thank you for your comments and support. I am still here at the house with him. Everyday is a new day along with new emotions. I am buying time telling him that I am saving up $$ to get our own place. He's going to see a doctor soon, hopefully he/we will find some answers before its too late. He continues to share his feelings with me and is truly ashamed for the way he's feeling. I won't give up yet! Aw

Jul 10, 2011
Run Aways
by: Anonymous

Here is another guy that really needs to see a psychologist. He is probably feeling empty, lost and probably bored with his life.

He is now rethinking everything and wants to run away or push his family away. Don't leave. Take him to the psychologist or a marriage counselor. These midlife guys seem to have affairs which will make them feel exhilarated & young again but only for a short while.

Another thought is that he may be questioning his sexuality. Perhaps he has been gay & fighting it all his life. Either way, you have to get him some help so you can all have peace.

Jul 07, 2011
Do not leave!!
by: NWF

Do not leave!! If he needs his space, that's what they all say, then he should find it and not you and your children. This is his problem and should handle it and not expect you to go thru the moving hassle. Everything I have read says "Don't leave" your home. At least he is talking to you about what is happening to him--but it is happening to him. Don't do it. Learn about male midlife crisis(Google it) for yourself and maybe buy him the book The Irritable Male Syndrome by Jed Diamond to explain what is happening to him and many, many others.

My husband said nothing to me at all about what was happening inside of him and just left with a 4-day notice, 4 months after he started an affair for emotional support on the telephone with his high school girl friend from 34 years ago that broke his heart back then. She moved from Fla. to NH after 6 months of phone calls and a few visits to and from my husband. He wanted a divorce after 4 weeks on the phone with her. We were married 16 years at that time (1 year ago). They get really messed up and look for emotional support from ANYBODY, but the wife, that will provide it.

I sense this is just starting for you and it will not be easy so please have a ton of patience with him and give him as much space as you can then maybe he will not go either. I hope he does not go, for your families sake.

I feel for you because I know how terrible this can become. Hold onto your hat!

Hugs for you, NWF

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Ask Noel.