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the love of my life left me. feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

by Michael
(Charleston SC)

My name is Michael. I am 41 yrs old and gay. I met the most wonderful sweetest person March 6th, 1999. We had a commitment ceremony on September 2nd, 2000. We were both committed and faithful to each other. Then around September of 2011, things started changing with him. He started telling me things like, I love you but not in love with you, or I love you but like a family member or brother. That was the biggest shock I think I have ever heard him say to me. Well as time went on he became more distant, less attentive, didn't want intimacy. He started drinking more than usual, he was styling his hair with gel, saying it made his hair wet looking which in turn hides the grey hair. At this point I didn't think of anything going on really, just thought maybe he was depressed or under a lot of stress. Then around valentines day, he had to go away to Arizona for 4 days due to his job. He said he was gonna take some time to think about us and what he wanted. I said OK. Well the night he came back from AZ, we didn't talk much cause it was late when his flight got in, so we just went to bed. The next morning he gets up and was showering at 6 am, I woke up, thought this was odd, so I asked him what he was doing, he said, I'm going to Augusta, GA for an overnight trip to get away and think. I said OK. He comes home the next day, and says.. While I was away, I had some time to think about us, and I realized that I do love you, and I'm willing to stay in the relationship, but I want to find 1 person who does not want a relationship that I can have a weekly fling with. I looked at him in disbelief and shock and started crying saying no, I will not live like that. He said that was all he could offer me at that time until he could figure out things. Well around the end up February, he met this guy on Craigslist. He started hanging out with him, then spending the night there. He was alternating back and forth for about 2.5 weeks. Going there 1 night, coming here the next. Finally I had enough and told him he had to make a decision. He agreed to go to counseling to work on our relationship, but the person he was seeing I guess talked him into dumping me and he finally sent me a text message breaking up with me. He kept his keys for about 4 months, tried several times to bring the other guy here to help him get his things, and i refused each time telling him i would call the police if he brought him here. He didn't understand why I would not allow this. It's been almost 6 mos not since he left, I rarely hear from him or talk to him. I miss him so much. He recently got his right ear pierced, and got a tattoo on his bottom right in the back, something he had never discussed ever doing the 13 yrs we were together. He has done and said things totally out of character, even some of his family and friends have noticed changes in him, saying he's not the same. I am just so lost and confused without him. I have never felt so alone and abandoned in all my life. I feel like my life has been blown apart.

Noel's response

Affairs and breaking up are always difficult, but all pain passes in time. You are wise to have set boundaries around him bringing his new lover to your place.

The danger is that you will quickly get into another relationship. My experience is that it takes about three years for a person to recover emotionally from a loss (either through death or break-up), and until then you are emotionally needy and likely to attract and be attracted to another emotionally needy person who will not be a good fit once you have your emotional life back in equilibrium.

Take some time to learn how to live comfortably on your own.

Comments for the love of my life left me. feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

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Aug 14, 2015
by: Anonymous

Well it has been about 3 years since I wrote this article. I am happy to say that I have met someone new, we have been together for about a year and a half. We met in March of 2014. We married legally in April of 2015, and I couldn't be happier. He is the best. Very loving and caring just like I prayed for. As far as my ex, I hope he is happy with his life where ever he is. I am no longer angry at him and I know that things always have a reason for happening, whether good or bad! It was a long road, but I made it through all that pain and heartache and now I am happy again. Hope the same for anyone else who is dealing with their partner/spouse going through a mid-life crisis. This pain will heal and will not last forever. I was with this person for 13 years before he broke my heart causing pain. So if I can heal from 13 yrs of loving someone, you can too! Peace! Michael.

Aug 27, 2012
thanks for the hugs NFW
by: Anonymous

Thanks NWF. How do you cope, if you don't mind me asking? It's like a nightmare for me. I will check out your site. Just wish I knew if he will regret any of this and will he try to reconcile or stay like this forever.

Aug 27, 2012
the love of my life left me..........
by: NWF

Hello Michael, I am a woman and am not gay but I hear and feel your sorrow. I believe he is going thur a midlife crisis, as is my H, and it is not easy for any of us. This is not your fault!!!!

Please check out this website: It will explain much to you and help you deal with him. You were correct to not let the other guy in your house. Your sig. other does not see this because he only sees his needs right now and is very very confused by what is going on in his head. The OM (other man) is only his band aid right now.

Hugs for you, NWF

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