Total withdrawal- no communication

by Jill
(New York)

My 51 year old husband walked out 10 weeks ago, right before Christmas after 24 years of marriage. He has totally withdrawn from me, little to no communication. He has left our church, and seems like a totally different person. He has left all of the responsibilities for our house, bills and my son to me. He never inquires about my son or our other 2 children who are both in college and fails to return basic text messages about our finances or about my teenage son. I strongly believe he is having an affair with one of his workers (he's the boss). I found evidence of such before he walked out. I guess my question is why won't he at least acknowledge the text messages I send regarding my son? He has always been a responsible father. Is this some attempt to punish me? What is the best course at this point? Just to leave him alone?



Noel's response

It is his responsibility to help with the financial obligations of raising your children. If he won't respond to you, I suggest a letter from your lawyer.

If he doesn't respond to that, take him to court.

Comments for Total withdrawal- no communication

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Jun 15, 2012
Reply and Thanks to NWF
by: KSG

NWF - In reading your story I find myself in that exact same situation. My husband and I have been together for 13 years but only married 5 of them. We have a beautiful 6 yr old little girl. He is a musician part time and seems to have the same problem with some sort of mid life crisis. I gave him love and honestly our whole time together which was never enough. He send me an email last April 8th stating he got his own apt. Took our van, took all the money out of the bank acct, cut all our utilities. For some messed up reason we reconciled 4 month later. I was thinking he would never leave again because how could he do that to his little girl again? She was so happy he came home. I noticed him acting distant and mean a few months ago. I noticed things on his phone and on Facebook (EVIL). This girl has been chasing him for years and he has been in contact with her hear and there. THe whole time he was back he shook his finger at me saying I could n't let what happend with this girl before go. Well of course, not...he was still contacting her and her him. I felt it. He left for a gig one nite...I told him I would be there shortly...I got there...this girl was there too and he was not wearing his wedding ring. We argued and he never came home. Now he's living with her but said nothing was going on before..right! Never said good bye to our daughter and now is acting the very same way. Angry at ME? really? What did I do...nothing! NO money, wants to see his daughter whenever its convenient for him. Thank you for posting your experience and I will be checking out the website you provided. I am devasted and so is my daughter and I do not understand what happend and why he is acting like a teenager parading his new girlfriend around and rubbing her in my face when I see him out.

Mar 26, 2012
NEVER SAY IT CAN'T HAPPEN TO YOU-IT CAN!!!
by: Anonymous

My husband has told me that he does not love me like a wife but like a mother. What the hell is that all about. We have been married for 23 years and we have had our ups and downs. What marriage does not. I thought we would grow old together and watch our 2 children graduate college, get married and have grandchildren. His response is I do not know. He does not understand why he feels the way that he does. He says he does not find me sexually attractive anymore (he says I have gotten fat and I was starting to look like a man. ) He claims not to have another women. This has been going on for about a year now. Both our children are away at college, he has withdrawn from me, sleeps in a separate bedroom, avoids me as much as he can, when I ask if wants a divorce he says not. What am I suppose to do. I am very heartbroken and I feel like it is all my fault.

Mar 11, 2012
Basically the same story.....
by: Confused

I guess we all basically have the same story, to some degree. Sad but true. After my 'ex' walked out the door (I got 8 hours notice.....me & our aduld kids sat down with him and we all listened to him tell us that he was "spent" in the marriage and it was time to leave). I got an email from him a week or so later stating that he hadn't even looked into "divorce" yet and wasn't sure how it all plays out. That is when I decided to take the bull by the horns and do it!!! I got a lawyer, had him served (which he didn't see that coming.....he still figured I was a 'mush pile' on the floor, I guess). However, it gave him the message that I wasn't going to wait on him to "call all the shots" and that gave him the green light to carry on with his life. He was engaged to 'the younger woman' 11 weeks after he walked out! I did some on line research and lots of digging around in files, etc. I found out who she was and that apparently they had met at a Corporate Meeting (she was a new employee) and she lived in PA (we were in NC, at the time, in our new Summer/Vacation home) and our other home was in S. FL. He ran back down to the FL house and left me at the NC house. So he had to find ways to see her in PA from S. FL.....talk about a whirlwind romance. Then he moved her into MY FAMILY HOME (of 13 years, house that I raised my children in) after a total of 7 months 'dating' her long distance. By then he was all ready to be divorced so he could start his new life. They were married 11 months later. Then after one failed attempt with an expensive IVF treatment they tried again, but this time deliberately fertilized two embryos (just to be safe) and they ended up with premature twin girls. This all took place within 36 months of walking out on me! Luckily he's a Narcissist (and I say that loosely, because really it's not lucky at all), but the one good thing about being married to a Narcissist (I researched after he left to find out what I had lived with for 23 years), was that his ego is so enormous that he thinks he's such a King on the Thrown and loves to show off as much as possible, that I was able to get a very nice alimony settlement and the house in NC (that I have to pay for, out of the alimony), but he took on the rest of "our" debt (which was quite monumental, thanks to him!!!) and his new wife lost her job ($80K/yr) and probably won't be working now that they have new twins to deal with. So he'll be working until he's 102 years old! HAHAHAHA!!! He makes very good money, but as a Narcissist he also spends it as fast as he makes it. His motto in life is: "He who dies with the most toys wins" and he truly believes that he will and should be the winner! I could go on and on, but I just wanted to briefly share parts of my story. I know how much it has made me feel "not so alone" by reading all the other stories that are so very similar to mine. I wish everyone well and a much brighter future!

Mar 06, 2012
Website & Support
by: Anonymous

That website has a forum too. You can reach the forum through tabs on the website, but you can also go directly to it through the forum address:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com
You can read stories of people in similar situations and meet people who can help you get through this.

Mar 03, 2012
Response
by: Jill

Thanks, he continues in his avoidance of me and his only contact with my son is giving him rides home from school a couple days a week. He has continued to put his check in the bank every 2 weeks but has no contact with me unless I text him about some issue about money. His responses are limited. Its as if we never existed despite 24 yrs of marriage. My 2 older children say he has text him and he seems weird to them too. Its been 12 weeks today.

Mar 02, 2012
Reply to: Total withdrawal
by: NWF

Hi, Your H is having a midlife crisis and is acting just like mine and thousands of others. My H has been gone for 20 months and I see nothing getting better within him. He still blames everything on me, is angry at me, and his thinking is so unreasonable that everyone is astonished about it. You will find answers at the web site: midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com. My H wanted a divorce after only 4 weeks of telephone conversation with his ex-GF from high school-34 years ago. She broke his heart then as he entered the Army just after high school. Now, he says that story is not correct. He acts like a teenager and thinks like one also--total entitlement for anything he wants. He is 53 yo and I am 55 yo. We were married for 16 years when he walked out in June of 2010 with a 4-day notice. He left me and our 16 yo son at home so he could get an apartment 15 miles away and the GF from Florida (we live in NH)could move close by. She moved here 2 months after he left home. He lies to me, our son, his family, and probably her also. Now, he has appealed our divorce to the NH Supreme Court because he does not like the financial decisions the Family Court has placed on him. He probably won't win but he has"magical thinking" and this will cost us both much more money. "Magical thinking" is when they think-that because they think and want something to come true, that it will! No, I did not type that incorrectly. This is how messed up they become. A warning for you.
Just let him be as best as you can and don't reply when he gives you sh_t. He only wants to start an argument with you because he feels the need to argue--with ONLY you. I bought "In Sheep's Clothing" by George Simon Jr., PhD at Noel's recommendation and I have learned very much from this book about aggressive personalities and distorted characters. Now, I see why my H has acted in such weird ways ever since I first met him and it only got worse with the MLC. This has been coming for 8 or 9 years before the affair started as far as I can tell. I know it is not my fault--nor your fault. Life has been so frustrating that is easier with him gone--though I do miss him very much. I see no end in sight.

Please check out the above web site-it helped me very much. There is a lot to read though and it will take some time. I go back to it now and then(I printed most of it) to remind me of Pat's good advice and reasoning. It does help but I wish I could tell him to go to Hell and move on but because we have a child (16 yo) and I miss him, this is hard to do and I find myself moving backwards instead of forward!! Ugh!! And I am an educated, independent woman!! This is one of the hardest things in life to ever go thru.
Hugs for you.

Hugss for you.

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