what can I do?

by afroxylanthe
(greece)

I've been married for 10 years, have 3 sons (15, 6, 8months) it's my second marriage, I'm 39, he's 38, he is unemployed for two years in a very bad situation where he can't escape because he will lose some rights, does other jobs around the house. Two years ago he also lost his brother in a car accident, 6 months ago his father of old age. it;s quite a shitty situation with all the memorial services etc. He has completely changed, there is no sex for months and even if it is, it feels like an obligation fast and emotionless (don't mind about the second). I have explained the situation to him, I have shown my understanding but I can't grieve forever and I can't accept my family in such a mess. He says it's not on purpose, he says he gets lost inside his mind (he gets angry with the kids,too). Anyway, I feel so fed up. I want my life back. I don't want a divorce but I will if there will be no change. He says he loves me, I can still but rarely see it, all our hugs and kisses are from a distance. what can I do? Up to what extent am I to blame?


Noel's response

It sounds like a very difficult situation, and I have no idea to what extent you are to blame.

It sounds as though he is grieving, and depressed, and would benefit from a visit with his doctor to discuss going on an anti-depressant.

It can take up to three years to completely recover from a major loss such as that of losing his brother, and perhaps also his father. Even though we expect our parents to die when they get old, it can be difficult when they actually do die.

Here is as quote from Hospice of the Valley

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning>/b>

"Extended illness, disability, severe accidental injury, a terminal diagnosis, or the aging and decline of an elderly family member can produce anticipatory grief. We are reacting and continually adapting not only to an expected loss, but to all the losses -- past, present, and future -- we encounter in that experience. These cumulative losses can shatter our assumptive world, cause us great confusion and challenge our most basic spiritual and philosophical beliefs. The resulting grief can affect us physically, emotionally, cognitively, socially and spiritually. Here we will comfort and support one another as we identify, confront and mourn these many losses."

Hang in there as long as you can. As with all things in life, this too shall pass, and your life will reach a new steady state.

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