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What could he be thinking?

by Bella
(Palo Alto, CA)

The Question

My partner of 10 years fits every single midlife crisis symptom except that he's more relaxed, careless & feeling euphoric.

He been having affair and moved out to live with this new girl he met 2 months ago after I caught them at the hotel. My partner & I are in our early 30s, educated with successful careers. We are deeply in love with each other. Two months ago he started having headaches every day, which I thought were due to stress at work and the mortgage bill.

Then later all of the midlife crisis symptoms appeared but I did not know what they were until i found your site. He kept complaining that he's so bored with his life, nothing is challenging, but he is feeling high & relaxed. He can be agitated at times too, but then switches back to careless mode within 15 second.

****My question is, now he's with his new girl friend, what are his feelings toward her? *****

I've asked him this question before, and he says he doesn't care about her. She relaxes him, that is all. And it's not about sex at all because she's not even the type of girl he likes (which is true, she's not).

But she does look like his 1st ex-girl friend back from college.

He said he's not sorry for what he does, but he's very sorry that he hurts me, that's what is killing him because he's not a cheater and never cheated on me these past 10 years.

He doesn't even know what he's doing, he just wants to come to work, then enjoy being a free man with no stress or commitment.

****what is he thinking???****

Noel's response

I don't know what he feels toward his new girlfriend, but I must admit it would amaze me if they are living together and not having sex. What else could she be doing that 'relaxes him', unless they are going drugs together.

As to what is he thinking, I don't know that either, but the real question for you, I think, is what are you thinking? Are you simply going to wait around until he decides (if he does) that he wants to move back with you?

What do you want in your life? What if he does want to come back, do you want to take him back. It can't be just the way it used to be, so what conditions do you want?

Comments for What could he be thinking?

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May 19, 2010
the future 4
by: Bella

And Noel, I'm not a ugly or desparate woman. I am pretty, way way prettier than the woman that my partner is with, educated (she doesn't have that neither), sucessful career. Surrounded with a lot of options, but I chose not to proceed for now. Sometime I wish I just go with the flow to revenge my partner, but then what's going to happen after that. I'm gonna move on with my new life, when my partner snap back to reality &
I won't be around for him, I know for sure he
will be crushed. He always told me that I'm his floater, he believes behind a sucessful man, there's always a loving caring woman and he lucky to have me, without me he'll drown for sure, I made him the way he is. Even in this state of mind, he said I completed him, he would never find anyone like me. So tell me Noel, how can I not wait out for him.
The question is how long?
And if it's not turn out the way it used to be, hopefully by then he'll be in the right state of mind to make a right decision for himself. For now, to me he's very confused, he doesn't know what he wants in life other living and chilling for the moment.
In the end, I think I'm the one that suffer the most, emotionally & physically.
I wish there were classes out there to teach us to prepare for this kind of crisis before it take place so that whoever going through it won't hurt their love ones .

May 19, 2010
future 3
by: Anonymous

He begged me to give him time & space to sort things out, & that will put both of us at ease as well. For now, he doesn't even know what he wanted in life other than get in the car and drive to where ever it may lead and meet new people, he just love this feeling. For years his heart rate was so high despite the medications
now it beats slower & he hasn't take his medication past 2 weeks which he loves it, he would never trade anything in this life for the state of mind he's in right now. "That's his exact word.
I told him I would if he leaves that women. He said"you completed me and she slower my heart rate. It's perfect combination that I don't want to let go neither.
So Noel, back to your questions, I was willingly to forgive him for cheating on me eventhough it hurts like crazy, but I look beyond the emotion.
What trigger or cause him to do this because deep down in my heart I knew he would never, & the woman he's having affair with, it's NOT even his type. But sometimes people do things out of the norm I guess.
I don't know how much longer I could wait out in the cold like this while he's going through with his "happy crisis". I'm totally fine with him being on his own and sort thing out but not with another woman to sort out together.
Past 2 days I've been re-evaluating myself, I've been with him since I was 23, now I'm 33 and he's 38. 10 years of relationship could it worth at least 3-6 months wait out?? It won't be comforting for me at all but he's worth it every single minutes ONLY if he ever come back to his old self again

May 19, 2010
the future 2
by: Bella

I didn't want to lose him, he was a great man so I tried to win him back by stooping down my level eventhough I wasn't at fault. I started talking to him daily over the phone and at work so that he can open up toward me what's going wrong here. From there I found out he's going through midlife crisis. After found out his diagnosis, I lost myself and my dignity to help him out and begged him to move back home. Despite all of that, he said he wants to be on his own, he said he rented an apt but he doesn't let me know where it is. Everything in him is so secretive, he changed all the password on accts so I won't have access. I asked him whether he's still seeing that woman, he said yes, almost every other day, either he goes to her place or his place, but I think there's only 1 place.
All these time after the incident, we never touched each other. He said he knew I got disgusted by him. Until day before yesterday, we were sitting in the car going over our thoughts
& bills, I was so overwhelm by his soul-less emotion that I couldn't hold my tear infront of him. He then reacted more like his old self for 15 mins, when we kissed each other, I didn't
feel like him nomore, the man once I knew so well is no longer there.

May 19, 2010
the future
by: Bella

Hi Noel,
Thank you for letting me post my story & your advice. This past month has been extremely hurtful for me that I wish no spouses/partner out there will ever experience it. Sleepless nights, depression, loss of appetite, anxiety daily that literly take my soul away.
When I caught my partner & his girl friend at the hotel, I was in shock that I couldn't say a word other than giving a look and walked away. The bad part is my little sister was there with me witness entired scene. 2 days after the incident, he texted me and asked " what were you thinking, why tagged your sister along?" My family valued him very much because of he's a man with concept & logic.
Now he told me for this reason, he'll never be back with me because my family will think he's a jerk, cheating on their daughter. He said I left no room for him to step back because my family knew what he did.
At first I didn't want to get back with him neither because I feel so violated in our relationship. But every night, I miss him so much that I couldn't control myself not to call him. He didn't pick up the phone so I texted him instead. I was just asking why did he cheated on me, and I've been missing him so much. He then texted back said he never meant to hurt me, I should of known him better. He just doesn't go and sleep randomly with any women, it just there's something about this woman that calm him down whenever he looks at her. And he admitted to me 2 days ago that they slept together once almost a month ago during the time he and I got into an arguement and he took off, out of anger, he did it. But after that he realized that women calm him down, whenever he sees her, she put him into this trance of thought that nothing exist. ( they're not on drug by the way, I know that for the fact). And that women is a year younger than me.

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