What happened to him / us?

by Denise
(UK)

Hi, I am a 31 year old woman and I was happily married until 18 months ago. My husband who is 29 woke up upset one day and stayed upset (lost weight and interest in everything as well) for the following six months.

Of course I tried to figure out what was wrong, to help him out but he kept telling me he is "dealing with it". After six months he decided it was the marriage that was the problem and he left, moved back in with his mother.

I was (and still am) devastated and shocked. This was the man that used to be my everything - lover, best friend, family - and it went from that to nothing in an extremely short space of time. He shut himself from me completely and whenever I used to call him upset, distressed, he was cold towards me, told me he didn't love me anymore, that he didn't miss me, that he was better now, refused to help me with anything I asked just inventing excuses (for examples, I had a MRI scan that I was nervous about and knowing that he was on holiday I asked him if he could take me and just be there for me as moral support. He came up with all sorts of lies - including the fact that his friend's cancer had returned and he had to take him to the hospital on the very same day! - before he just told me he didn't want to, he preferred to sleep in rather than come with me!).

I just don't recognize him anymore! Now I know I should have left him alone and not contact him and haven't done that in 6 weeks or so.

My friends have likened his behaviour to a mid life crisis - but is he not too young for that? It's just killing me that I have no idea what caused this and how he could change so much?!!? I miss him!

Noel's response

He is a bit young for a midlife crisis, but he may be having an 'age 30 transition' crisis Daniel Levinson discusses this in his book The Seasons of a Man's Life. The fact that he moved back home with his mommy suggests to me that he never really grew up.

You might do well to move ahead with your own life, and hope the next relationship you have is with an mature man.