What is "bitching?"

by sa
(USA)

The Question


My husband has been going through a midlife crisis for a very long time. During the past several years he has started cussing me out when he doesn't like the topic I have mentioned. He used to correct others when they said the "f" word in front of me - now he calls me the filthiest names ever. He blames me for his behaviours.

After his raging (and telling me to leave, to call an attorney, etc), he ignores me for weeks - even ignored me at children's weddings, etc. He will talk if I ask him a question but he's rude about it because I didn't apologize, etc.

The thing is, he is making things up that he said I did - as fuel for his anger. When he does this, he buys himself things, goes where and when he wants - and holds back money using the excuses "we" aren't talking or that I "bitch" too much.

Lately, I got hurt and went to the emergency room. I was not badly hurt - but scared because I had to go back for a medical thing that I was terrified of. He knew this - but deliberately didn't go with me. He said he saw me pull out of the driveway so I asked him why he didn't call me to come back - then he ignored me from there.

The thing is, he never is around for me - yet blames me in some way. One time, I had a biopsy and they said it was cancer. When I had to go back to the Dr. my husband left to hang out with his car buddies instead. Blamed me again. Turned out the next test said it was a false positive but for 2 weeks, I didn't know this and he ignored me.

What do I "bitch about" = that he treats me like this, that he deliberately left knowing I was cooking dinner, that he bought something he didn't need with money we couldn't afford to use - typical things that most people would be upset about. Oh - his friends are lower class than he used to have - one lives in a truck! I think it makes him feel superior - or at least no pressure to be around them. He does not invite them to our home. He also won't socialize with my friends. With family - he will deliberately not tell me about a function and show up without me.

Oh - during these times, he has accumulated a BUNCH of old car parts, etc for his hobby (old cars) but some are for different makes of cars we've never had - he says they are a 'good buy" - however, we are thousands of dollars in debt.

Also, we never have sex - he says thats my fault too.

Just the ER visit is enough to make me feel like I wasted 33 years. I don't know if we will ever be close again. Is there hope or is it hopeless?

Noel's response

I am amazed you have hung in for so long. It doesn't sound so much like a midlife crisis as like a mean-spirited jerk.

You might find the books
The Irritable Male Syndrome: Understanding and Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression and Aggression

and

Mr. Mean: Saving Your Relationship from the Irritable Male Syndrome useful, should you decide to stay.

Both books are by Jed Diamond, who has worked for many years with couples in midlife struggles.

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