When does mid life crisis start

by chianti

what age do men start going through mid life crisis?
do they always have an affair? and could they just change toward the wife.

Noel's response

As you may have read on my website, I believe there are two kinds of midlife transition:

- around age 35-45, when a person has what I call a 'right livelihood crisis', and wonders whether they are doing the right kind of work. This is also a time when they realize they are half way through their lives, and are not going to reach some goals they set when they were young.

- around age fifty, when they begin to ask deeper questions about who they are, and what their relationship is with God, or with whatever power they believe is greater than them. This is a time when they realize they are entering the last 1/3 of their lives, and the end is coming more quickly than they had imagined it would.

Men do not always have affairs when they are in these transitions. In fact I believe most don't have affairs. But they may change in the way they treat their wives, often becoming irritable, uncommunicative, and in general not very nice.

Their lives are changing in ways they don't understand, and being men, they are less likely to seek help than women are. Eventually they get through the change, and their lives become normal again, but they are usually changed in some fairly fundamental way, and often for the better.

Comments for When does mid life crisis start

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Jul 06, 2015
To Everyone...
by: Anonymous

I started writing about this back in 2012...it is now nearly 3 years later and I can tell you this situation turned around for the better...sort of. What I thought was a mid-life was because of alcohol and I discovered the love of my life turns into a Jekyll-Hyde when intoxicated. I think the mid-life was an added feature. Unfortunately it took him away and sent him to the wrong place, yes, but now we are back in program and doing well. Sadly, tho three years have passed, I am still in therapy to try and get over the betrayal. He is my soul mate, my BFF, but because I have had a set standard and moral belief my whole life on people who drink and cheat, it is very difficult for me to see him as a sick person, rather than the lying cheating pig I believe him to be. I have learned that alcohol does change people into different personalities and they lose their minds. I love him ,and I am still with him, but that doesnt mean I have forgotten or condone his behavior. The way he is now, is the way he was when we married, and that's what I'm focusing on. I'm trying really hard to understand and for the most part, I am. Some people are worth fighting for no matter what they do. And agreed, that it blows we good women have to endure such horrors. My heart is healing now, but I have recently told him that I am still saddened and angry and not sure how long it will take before that ends. May never, and we will go from there. Love you guys! Stay Strong!

Jun 26, 2015
To Frustrated in New Mexico
by: Anonymous

If hes talking to this other person, hes already on his way to cheating. My comment is below yours, my husband swore up and down that she was "Just A Friend" it was a lie. He started also going to the gym and getting in shape...it wasnt for me. He lost some weight and now he thinks hes to good for me. The really important stuff is on the inside, looks will fade. These men lie without thinking twice about it, and they will say anything so they dont have to give these other women up.

Dont let him hurt you mentally, I decided I was too good for him, I have more character in my little finger then my soon to be Ex has in his whole being. Im going to live the last 20 or 30 years of my life being happy Im wont be living with or married to a cheater. You are too good for him, if he leaves consider it all a blessing. In my case as the divorce gets closer hes getting nuttier and nuttier. Dont let an adulterer determine who you are. My peace and whole mind is in Jesus and God in Heaven. I dont know if your a christian or not, but reading the bible and knowing the Lord will take care of you no matter what these ridiculous men do, is an extreme source of comfort to me. Eph. 6:10-20, Psalm 23 all, Psalm 91 all, and Isa 61 all. I am praying for you and I pray that the truth comes out in your situation. Im sorry us good women have to go through this nonsense at an age where we should be winding down.

Jun 23, 2015
Mid life crisis for hubby
by: Anonymous

My husband has changed in the past three years. He 50 now and refuses to lift a finger around the house. I mean painting, yard work etc. For years he has never been there for me emotionally and its been hard for me to cope. I had a nervous breakdown a few years ago and he was not there for me. I almost lost my mind because my daughter wanted to commit suicide and was cutting herself. I get so depressed and sad since he is not the person I once knew. I stopped nagging him hoping he would just help around the house in his own way but nothing has changed. I don't understand why he has left the home mentally and has no interest in things here. He pretends all is good when it's not and won't admit to hurtful things he has said and done in the past. I can't take him to see a counselor because he does not think he has a problem. I'm extremely tired and frustrated and its affecting my personality. Thanks for listening frustrated in New Mexico

Feb 16, 2015
Midlife Crisis in men.
by: Anonymous

My husband is having his midlife crisis at the age of 53. Hes started a relationship with a desperate divorced 32 year old woman, who is his hunting partners daughter. I saw the texts and I asked him to stop, hes hid the messages so I can no longer read them and didnt stop. Hes filed for divorce just before Christmas 2014 and is trying to ram some quickie thing through so he can be with his way younger women. I decided that Im going to move on and use this opportunity to get out from under his nasty controlling attitude and get out with my sanity intact. I would have stayed with him, because I was married to him and said vows, now I have come to terms that we are parting ways and his midlife crisis chick more then likely wont stick around when he starts complaining, blaming, and fault finding bubbles its way up to the surface. Im hoping that she stays with him until we are divorced, I would have tried to salvage the marriage but he wants nothing to do with that, so Im going to move forward and hopefully find a good life for myself. He has no clue or appreciation for how much I do for him and how much hes going to be like a fish flopping around out of water. I literally do everything, I thought he might come to his senses, but he just seems to get crazier. A part of me will always love him, but not enough to go back to him, that part has died in me. I have no idea who this man is, but hes gotten nastier, angrier, and harder to deal with...good luck to his young chicky that thinks shes getting a mature man LOL!! Shes going to have to take care of this big baby just like I did...Good Luck Sweetheart, your going to need it!!

Aug 17, 2012
thank you for that army soldier
by: Anonymous

It has been quite some time since I last posted about this, but can tell you all that things are better. I was right about the high school "friend" I was repeatedly told not to worry about. He was heading that way and trying to rekindle a 30 year old relationship as he was only remembering the time they once had. We have had numerous fights since my last post and finally in may, he came clean. Broke my heart. I'm still unclear if it was physical but still think it was. I only found messages between them. I have entered back into therapy so as to regain my sanity over it. But since then, he has repeatedly apologized for hurting me and putting me thru it and now daily reminds me of how much he loves me and doesn't want to ever lose me and how he can't imagine his life with anyone else.. it's a real blessing let me just say. We do things together now again and he hasn't spoken to her since may. I still have insecurities as a result but I'm confident time will heal that.. he knows he screwed up and I'm thankful and grateful for my own strength that wouldn't allow him to keep on like that.. I did nothing but support his thoughts positively while he was thinking negatively and I truly believe that was key.. so in short, my man did man up in a rather short period, where as I've heard mlc might last years or never go away.. there is hope ladies.. stay strong and believe in yourselves and your man and your relationship.. and don't forget to speak your feelings to him even if you are afraid.. he'll never know what he's doing if you don't tell him..

Aug 17, 2012
He needs to man up!
by: Anonymous

I have read some of the comments, and yes as a man the change is unusual, and very frustrating to most, however its the lack of understanding one self, and not having the answers filling and thinking that you look stupid and regrets that things could be better its a state of mind they need to over come that state of mind.

I love my wife so much that I am willing to correct the issues at hand for I do understand that it is a state of mind, and on the other side if your husband is speaking to or seeing other women, you need to stop this stupidity before it gets out of hand due to the confusion, he will find a reason to go further, he needs to get his head out of the sand and soldier up, for this will pass and its not worth destroying what you both have worked so hard to accomplish.

Army Ranger

Mar 23, 2012
mid life crises
by: Maks

Its true i also dont understand my hubby of 15 yrs he is not the same person i knew. He has involved himself with people of questionable character. I am fed up feel like calling it quite.

Dec 16, 2011
can't shake it
by: Anonymous

i agree with the other two comments.. he's definitely changed and has become someone i don't know.. he's made me feel like i'm in the 7th grade and I'm jealous as HELL! i haven't been jealous in 25 years!! He recently reconnected with a school friend (girl) says he only talks to her MAYBE once a week, but that's a lie.. he talks to her via Text ALL the time... I'm trying super hard to let it go cuz he says i have nothing to worry about. but i can't shake the feeling that i've lost him and he has feelings for her.. we've been together 13 years and married for almost two. In general, he is NOT like this and is not the cheating type... but i can't help wondering if this MLC will make him think its ok and that i'll never find out. :/


Nov 28, 2011
hes changed
by: Anonymous

Mine too. Like he's someone else.

Nov 28, 2011
by: Anonymous

Seems like my situation with my husband sure hope you are right?

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