where do i go from here?

by Vicki J Jansen
(Norfolk , Ne )

My husband and I have known each other since we were 13- we got together at a 20th class reunion. We were both married at the time. I went home and got a divorce- he stayed married for another 6 years until his wife found a boyfriend.

He called me and we got back together and were married soon after his divorce.
We have had a fairy tale life for the last 14 years.
His father passed away a year ago after Xmas- He works away Monday thru Friday and always home on weekends. But over the winter spent every moment in the garage working on an antique car. I sent him an email telling him I missed him and felt we were drifting apart. It took him 6 weeks to respond. But 6 weeks ago sent a text that he loved me but didn't feel like he used to.
He almost acted angry with me after to texted me..
There is no affection or intimacy. We talk of nothing important- he refuses to go to counseling and when I mentioned Divorce he jumped all over it.
I thought it might shock him into realizing what a mistake this all was.
I see no signs of the man I married.
He has always been so honest and kind and caring and gentle.
I am still reeling from the words "I just don't love you anymore!"
I caught him in a lie on Monday and it makes me wonder if he is seeing someone .
He assured me in the beginning it all started when his dad died and nothing I had done.
I was hoping it was just grief from the loss of his dad.
Now I'm wondering if it isn't an old girlfriend that came to the funeral and has been a right hand helper to his mother now. This woman had become a significant part of my mother-in -laws life in the past year.
I am on antidepressants to just deal with everyday life now.
How can I try to make things better if he refuses counseling and won't talk about anything.
Does a perfect husband just do a 180 over night because of a midlife crisis.
I miss him so much...I have lost my best friend!
I can't imagine my life without him...

Comments for where do i go from here?

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Jun 22, 2016

by: Noel

Hi Vicki,

Your story is like many others on this blog. Men suddenly 'change', sometimes for no apparent reason except because they are in a midlife transition, and some because a parent (often a father) dies.

It sounds as though you are doing as much as you can, and my suggestion to you is the same as I have given to others: you can't change him, but you can change yourself. Counselling may be useful to you for dealing with the pain and grief you are feeling, and for helping you live kind of life you want, with or without him.

Take some measures to protect yourself financially (e.g. get your own bank account if you don't have one, if you have joint credit cards, get your name off them and get your own cards, etc.).

Others on the blog may have other useful advice.

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