Where is he in his MLC

by Kappy
(Miami)

My husband 40 told me almost 2 years ago that he loved me but wasn't in live with me. Almost a year after that I discovered an affair and he moved out to his moms house to "figure things out". He was always back and forth coming over often and wanting to do things together but with no intentions of coming back. Kind of wanting the cake and eating it too!! About 5 months ago he told me That we should set a 3 month deadline to this situation where we live our life's and then decide at the end of a solution to our situation cause this can't go on forever. I agreed.


The three months came up on May 20. He said he needed more time. I said no way!! This was his idea and he needed to decide because life had to go on!! He asked for a other week and I said fine. A week layer he came back to talk. He told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to come back, but he would try to see what happens. He stayed over about 4-5 times a week and still went to his moms the other night. He wanted to slowly come into this. He didn't move in any clothes or belongings. He came and went with a duffel bag. Then about 4 weeks ago we went to south Carolina for our daughters softball tournament and when we retuned I washed
His clothes and hung it up in our closet. He didnt say anything. all was going well.

About two days ago He told me again he wasn't sure what he wanted and he thought he was going Back to his moms house. I was like WHAT???
We had a heart to heart and he's going to wait a few days before he decides! He says he's Not sure he wants to follow rules
Of marriage. He also says that he tired of dealing with the stress of working things out. He doesn't know if he has what it takes. He says he wants to only have to worry about himself. But here's the catcher!!! He's not sure he wants a divorce but if that's what I want then he will understand!!

Where r we!???? Are we almost out??? Still in deep???? In trouble??? Is there still hope???

Thanks.

Noel's response

I don't know where you are, whether almost out or still in deep. I suggest you need to set some boundaries around his coming and going. As you say, he wants his cake and eat it too, and so far it sounds as though he is mostly getting it.

You may be afraid that is you set some boundaries (e.g. no more sleeping over, etc.) it may drive him away, but in many cases being a 'pushover' (i.e. not having your own boundaries) can drive people away as well.

Have the two of you seen a marriage counsellor? If not, is he willing to go? If he is not willing, it may be worthwhile for you to see a counselor yourself to help you figure out what you want, and where you stand.

Comments for Where is he in his MLC

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Aug 27, 2012
Where is he....?
by: NWF

Hello Kappy, I will try to help you a little bit from what I have learned over 2.5 years of this process that our guys are going thru. Here is a website where I have learned very much and you will also: midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com. Your H is very confused by his changing internal emotions right now and you are feeling his confusion also. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It is happening to him.He is being a clinging boomerang right now, that is what some of these guys do, others leave and you barely hear from them unless you getting their anger projected on you. He needs his space and no pressure from you. The pressure will push him farther away. Ultimatums will not work so don't even go there please.

Noel's suggestion of the boundaries are meant to protect you. They will not push him away from you. Do not fret over this idea. He is already "away" from you and needs time to deal with his head worries and his own things that he did not deal with when a much younger pre-adult. You will see that he still loves you but is very confused right now. He needs to leave to become whole again--give him all the space he needs. Yes, you will cry and worry but he has not filed for the divorce and it will behoove you to not even mention it; that may ignite the thought in his mind.

He may come home again but will not be thru this so you will be "riding the roller coaster" with him--this is very difficult to do but can be done with much patience for him. He may come home and leave again, this is very common. Do not argue with him,actively listen to his concerns and validate them, even if you do not agree with them. Is it OK that he is at his parents house--at least he is not in his own man cave or living with another woman, the OW. OW's have a tendency to make things much worse because they do validate their concerns over "his marriage" and pull them away with manipulations. He will be very frustrating and you will hear that he "rewrites" your history together possibly. This is common and this is really how he thinks of things right now. It will not last forever and he may even not remember what he said to you later on. You may think he went insane but he will say that you are the one that went insane. Say "I'm sorry that you feel that way about______". This is called validation. You will need to hold back your tears in front of him--just leave the room or politely end the phone conversation. He is very emotional right now and you do not need to add to that feeling.

Be strong for him and be stronger for you. He needs to be "held up" right now by someone--let that someone be you!! This may take much longer than you or he can imagine. Find a good friend that will not "dis" him and hold on tightly. Others will not understand what is happening and give you poor advice--do not listen to that advice. Use the advice from the above website and ask all the Q's that you need to--they will help you and hold you up.

Hugs for you, NWF

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