Why after 37 years

by Shirley
(England)

I want to no or understand why after 37 years he decided to have an affair and leave me. And say it was nothing I did or did not do it was him. Also adding he loved me but was not in love with me anymore.


Noel's response

He is probably right when he says it is not about you, but rather him. He probably is confusing love with sexual excitement. I am guessing, from the number of years you were married that you are both in your late 50s, or early 60s. This 'age 50 transition' as Daniel Levinson describes in his book The Seasons of a Man's Life can see a man being attracted to other (usually younger) women, subconsciously looking for validation of himself as a man, and also projecting his 'inner feminine onto other women. I have a chapter about this in A Harley Or My Wife.

As for understanding the real truth about why he left, chances are you will not understand it. Nor is it important. What is important is that you move on with your own life.

Comments for Why after 37 years

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Jan 14, 2012
STILL SO HARD
by: Anonymous

I Hear and I do understand all the comments that has been made ,but my life seem meaningless .I don't no Who i am. I was a wife and a mother now I don't no. My children are grown up and i am no longer a wife.

What also makes it hard my children still see there father, his family even thou they say they still want me as part of their family they appear to have welcomed his new woman in, my friends see him around with his new woman so it I can't never seem to get away from it I feel so betrayed from not only him but every one I held dear for so long.

Will it ever get any better it has already been 18 months.

Jan 12, 2012
AFTER 40 YEARS
by: JO

MIGHT AS WEll of been 40 days. there isn't anything he remembers or remembers well. if he had Alzheimers or however you spell it? It would be so much easier to understand. he saw an opportunity and surely didn't want her to get away at any cost. she saw a boss, intelligent, well liked by everyone, fun, married, and financially set, who had everything but her. she was pretty smart, she gave him herself, then he hasn't been the same since. this caring, loving, intelligent father and husband, who was loved and respected by so many (everyone really) suddenly was nothing less than a monster,. capable of whatever you could imagine, frightening, and just totally someone else. he would be the first to tell you so. if you wake up one morning and convince yourself you need and also want a red wagon, will you ever live long enough to be grateful with blue one? maybe not. smart enough to realize that maybe you never needed the red one at all. why so happy and contented and busy living a life until suddenly you see the girl of your dreams standing in front of you for the taking, and nothing else matters. not morals, not responsibilities, jobs, bosses, friends, your wife, your kids. your integrity, or dignity. and then your liar of pleasure decides you're too serious about your intentions to really have a relationship; and they dump you and run. then you don't really care about anything anymore, and you don't even want to try. all you tried for is lost. that's reality

Nov 12, 2011
I felt what was that all about (37 years of marriage)
by: Anonymous

I loved and adored my husband, although I disliked his vile angry outbursts. I thought it was his defense force background. No it was just plain utter selfishness,and let me get the hell away from this responsibility (to love and cherish). Till death due us part. My balls are sagging, can't get it up when I want to, added weight gain, gray hair, I must be missing all the fun... He will not come back, he is still looking for that 20 something feeling with a woman...what ever it takes to make him feel young and virile again. I hate folks saying he has moved on and so should you.....well there is no moving on. I still care for this man. I'm stuck with this, did he forget he could fart and I still loved him. He needs to look at real life and be thankful for a good person to share it with. Growing old is a real traumatic time it would be nice to get through it with the person who has loved you for 37 yrs.

Nov 07, 2011
GOING
by: Anonymous

It's all about them

Oct 26, 2011
Ego
by: Baz (Australia)

Noel is spot on as always. Sadly, your husband is being selfish rather than devoted. His ego is in control and even he won't have a logical explanation as to why he's doing this. He's doing it because he can. He probably thinks he must explore the situation, despite the hurt he's causing you, because the excitement he's feeling is a greater force.
You must look after your self-interests Shirley.



Oct 26, 2011
after so long
by: Julie

Mine left me after 24 yrs of marriage and this is the exact same thing and I have all the questions you do. Just out of the blue, no reason, but you still feel like it's you. You need to tell yourself every time you start to blame or think to yourself "what did I do?" tell yourself to stop that this has to do with him and his issues. Easier said than done I promise you but there is nothing you can do. By far this will be the hardest thing you have ever gone thru in your life and it wont go quickly but you have to find peace on a daily basis, you will be ok today and maybe not tomorrow but treat each day as a new beginning. Open your heart to God and ask him for him to help you thru this journey. I will pray for you!

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