Why can't he talk to me but can talk to her?


(NH)

The Question


Hi Noel,
We have been married for 17 years. My husband started an affair with a very long distance telephone call in February with his old girlfriend from high school, who dumped him just after school ended. Why her? She hurt him badly and now tells him it was the worst mistake of her life.

Since then he has filed for divorce, seen her twice for 5 or 6 six days each after telling me lies, moved out with a 4 day notice, is destroying the finances, has signed papers to sell the house, and left me with our 16 year old son who is acting up badly.

I don't think he really wants to sell the house but is using it as another one of his monster ploys. He has been acting erratically for 5 or 6 years and now is so angry with me about everything during all those years. He asks: "How did everything get so messed up?"

He didn't and won't tell me anything that is happening to him or anything emotional at all but talks to her for 30 min. to 2.5 hours per day. Why can't he talk to me about anything emotional but tells her everything?

He has told her I believe he is having a midlife transition and they talk about it but he will not admit this to me at all. He also says he is not depressed but my son and I can see it.

Thanks for your help with this question.

N.W.F.

Noel's response

My first bit of unasked-for advice is that you get a lawyer immediately to protect yourself financially. You may be able to put a freeze on any jointly-held assets such as chequing accounts.

You may also be able to stop the house sale if you want to, or at least make sure you receive an equal share of the profit from the house sale.

Regarding why he tells her everything and you nothing is that he has projected the 'Helen' (as in Helen of Troy) image onto her, and sees her as the 'mystical entrancing woman', while he has projected the 'mother' image onto you, so you are no longer entrancing, sexy and mystical, as you were to him when you two first got together.

Should he chance to marry her, within a few years the scales will fall from his eyes, and he will see he is with a normal human being, just as you are.

What he needs to do is look inside himself for his own inner feminine, which often begins to show herself at midlife, but most men refuse to see it, and project their inner feminine onto women.

I can't tell you what to do to bring him into awareness of what he is doing. Assuming you and he are still speaking to each other, you might give him the link to the ManKind Project website, which I strongly recommend to any man who is serious about living his life fully and authentically. It is not associated with any religion, or other group: www.mkp.org

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