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39 year old man and now having questions about my sexuality

by Jeremy
(Los Angeles)

I just turned 39 years old and have had many sexual partners since the age of about 15. I've only had a couple of real relationships. About 4 years ago, I met a woman that is 12 years my senior. We spent about two years together, but that ended when I cheated and ended up with an STD which I passed on to her. We broke up and I feel immediately in love with another woman my own age. Well that last less than 5 months and I longed to be back with the previous woman of 2 years. A little over year later, I contacted her. She of course did not trust me and we built a friendship over several months and then resumed our relationship for the past 6 months. I told her that I need to share a secret with her that I had been suppressing for the past 8-10 months and I told her that I was confused about my sexuality. She of course is now devastated and asked me if I had been with any men. I told her no. She also asked if I was attracted to anyone in particular and what triggered this. She suggested that this is not something that has just come up in the past 10 months and that I had to have had these feelings for much longer. I told her that I have only been thinking of this for a short period of time and that I have not taken the time to process it within my own mind.

My question is where do I go from here? Is this something that is common for a man at my age? Do I need therapy? I don't think I expected this for myself and she said that I seem absent of any emotion.

Noel's response

I do recommend therapy to help you figure this out. I have met a number of men who, usually around your age, realize, or perhaps stop denying, that they are attracted to other men. My guess is that during a midlife transition (around age 40), it becomes more difficult for men to deny feelings they have been suppressing for a long time, or in your case, a fairly short time.

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