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by milissa
(oceanside ca)

My husband was about to go on a deployment. we were working on strengthing our relationship and had also planned to have another baby while he was on deployment. he told his friends that it felt like he fell in love with me all over again just before he left..... however as soon as he left for the deployment he started having an affair with his boss (who was also married). he said that they just hit it off and it wasn't what he had ever expected to have happen.

long story short,...... he changed on this deployment... as sad as it is. I didn't expect any of this kind of pain. we are now going through a divorce after 10 years of marriage.

my husband has been keeping so many secrets from me now. he smoked and dipped (which were always things that he knew I didn't like...... his girlfriend didn't like it either tho) he kept our bank accounts separated, our phone service was separated..... passwords were changed for Facebook, iTunes, computers, and on his phone. he said he wan't seeing her still and tried to work things out but we kept fighting. I know I don't trust him and he doesn't trust me (although I don't think I have done anything to cause him to not trust me) he has trash talked me to all his friends and co workers..... he even didn't return the kids when I said I couldn't deal with all the stress and pain of the affair and finding out that they got marching tattoos right after the deployment.

I wish so much to have what we had before. I want him to miss me. I want him to see how awful he is being and that he has changed into a way that isn't normal. I wish this was just a mid life issue with him. he just turned 30.... he says that he hasn't been happy for years with me but that he has so many good memories with me. he says that he will always have a soft spot in his heart for me but then does the most awful things to me. he even went as far as calling CPS and the police on me when we decided to divorce and I got an attorney to start the process. he also says things like he isn't going to let people "push him around" anymore.

will he regret leaving me? I wish I could understand what happened. I wish so much that he didn't just fall out of love with me.... how does that happen?

Noel's response

I don't have answers to your questions. I understand you wanting things to be the way they were, but they are not. Even if the two of you got back together it would not be the way it used to be.
Men and women have affairs depressingly often. Sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't, but either way, everything is changed.

Comments for affair

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Sep 01, 2014
by: NWF

Hi, First off, I'd like to say that I am sorry for what you are going thru and I feel your pain. I have been thru all the secretive stuff just like you are going thru and it is normal for a midlife crisis. He is very young for a midlife crisis but the stress of deployment may have triggered this. They say some go thru a transition every 10 years or so and most of these are mild at early stages. If you read some of the other stories here, you will see that I recommend that you go to the web site: The Hero's Spouse or These are the same website and have much info on this sitch and will give you info to see what is happening here. Please read the articles there and you may be interested in reading some of the other stories on the forum.

Big hugs for you, NWF

Sep 01, 2014
by: Anonymous

I don't know how many men and women are having an affair. I have friend who was unknowingly led by a man into having an affair with him thinking that he was divorced but in fact, he was still married. How can I prevent that from happening to me?

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