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Am I having an early mid life crisis or am I just a cold hearted bastard?

by James
(Montreal, QC, Canada)

The Question

I'm 36 years old, married to my college sweetheart (Together since we were 19 years old) have two amazing boys (7 & 4) and all I can think of for the past two years is getting the heck out of my home and living alone (of course with shared custody 1 week out of 2) I care deeply about my wife. She is a great person, an amazing mother, we get along very well, sex is present on a regular basis. The problem is I don't think I'm still in love with her. When we have sex, I don't really enjoy it.

I've never experienced living alone, never lived my life like a bachelor i.e. traveling, hooking up with different woman just to live it up. Never been able to do things the way I wanted to do things or when I wanted to do it. I would love to experience life a different way and with different people. I would love to experience the butterflies in my stomach of a new relationship or the love of another woman.

Am I being a cold-hearted prick?


Noel's response

I don't know that you are being cold-hearted, but perhaps a bit naive, thinking you can find what you want by 'going on your own'.

I believe what you are looking for is inside you, not in the arms of another woman. Looking outside for what can only be found inside is a mistake many men and women make.

Carl Jung said that all men have an 'inner feminine' that he called the anima, and women have an 'inner masculine' he called the animus.

There are four metaphorical feminine archtypes: "Eve" - the original Mother (as in Eve of Adam and Eve), who is our nuturer, etc. when we are young; "Helen" - the beautiful, alluring young woman who we fall in love with (who incidentally often has traits similar to our own mother); "Mary" - as in the virgin Mary, on whom we project all kinds of 'goodness and light', and the idea of purity; and "Sophia", the ancient image of wisdom.

The woman we marry is usually a "Helen" in our eyes - alluring, exciting, beautiful and sexy. As time goes on, and we settle into the routines of work and daily life at home with children, our "Helen" begins to look like "Eve" (i.e. more like a mother than a lover). We begin to imagine the excitement of having, as you describe, the butterflies of a new relationship.

The problem is that no new relationship can carry that exciting energy for very long.

So the challenge, especially at midlife when these feelings often rise up with a vengeance, is to begin to make the 'inner journey', through prayer, meditation, spiritual growth workshops, and perhaps counseling or spiritual coaching, in order to integrate these 'anima' archetypes into ourselves, so we don't project them onto other women.

It is not easy, but it IS possible and even necessary, and far more rewarding and less painful for all in the long run than chasing after the fleeting feeling of 'being in love with love'.


Comments for Am I having an early mid life crisis or am I just a cold hearted bastard?

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Feb 16, 2011
Poem to the wifes who husband on mlc want to change life for ow
by: Anonymous

I wrote this poem: The poem is to the husbands who want to change their life for ow and the wives who feel the pain.

The ow is there to take someones life.
The wife is there for the rest of your life.
The kids are there to ease the pain.
When someone else thinks its there gain.

The ow will take what they can.
When the husband wants to jump into the fan.
They will only desire their sexual needs.
When they think the ow have controlled their feed.
It is only time when their habit will stray.
When they have had enough at the fools at prey.
Always remember the ow is short stay.
Only when they cannot control prey.
They take what they think is theirs, no matter their habit, and think their life is one big faggett.

They will say they love to get what they want.
To try and get a life that nobody else wants.
They will feed their habit to their desire.
When the other man trys to put out the fire.
When all the ow wants is for the fantasy to succeed. When all they want is for the marriage to expire.
So when they cannot control their need.
The love and good fortune, they cannot steal.
They throw away till the next one come.
O what a pity their life was not there, only when the husbands wife was not there. But what ow is fare.

The husband eventually sees the wife was better.
That the ow was never for me.
When the MLC ends you will see.

If they try to take to become 2nd or 3rd wife.
Its only because they never had a life.
So when the ow says i love you forever, that is the coward of the 3 white feather.

The ow will lie, till her habit is free.
Thats when she takes the next husbands fee.
So dont delise the ow life, to take away the other husbands wife.
The day will come when the ow falls.
To rise again with with another husbands goal.
The ow never had a life of their own.
It is made up of other wives souls.

One day the ow will retire, but that depends on the another mans fire.
The ow have no heart and soul.
That is deepdown within the hole.
Dont go within the hole, you only get the aliens role.
Keep well away of the ow desire.
As you will be the next to retire.

When the other husband comes along with glee and hope.
He will also seed the slope.
The ow is not their to stay.
They take your money and run away.

So when your time is upto go, husbands, please dont look back you will no.

Jan 05, 2011
I agree
by: Anonymous

Tables do turn. Happened in my house too. The mistress was in the picture for quite some time and my now ex husband couldn't stop it with her. She was 20 years younger as well.

First I lost all respect for him and then after 5 long horrible years I lost my love for him. And you are so right because then I made the decision to leave and once made I knew it was final!!! And once I decided to not love him anymore well that was final too.

I was 60 at the time and so the leaving the spouse at retirement time really hit home.

My entire life changed but I am ok with it all now.

The ex is now alone (mistress left too)and none of the children want to be around him.

So I agree... all those old fools out there- Watch out!!!

Lastly- The ex wold now give anything to go back and undo all - what a tragedy!

Nov 02, 2010
by: Anonymous

You need to get help on a spiritual level. The emptiness you feel will only get worse if you leave your family. Been there.

You cannot walk away, put them on hold and expect to have happiness from things that cannot fill the void that should be filled by love. Not the butterfly type, the always and forever type that is there in good and bad times.

The idea of a union for life is to help us grow spiritually and to groom us into mature fruitful souls that leave a legacy for our children to be proud of.

Whatever the world can give you to make you excited for a while, but it can not give lasting peace. The answer lies inside of you, not outside.

The choice is yours it is true, but remember that this is where the men are separated from the boys.

Any fool can fall in love, it takes a man to love a woman and a family. I salute men who can be unselfish and mature, capable of the mature type of love that endure anything, cures so much of life's pains and give children a future. Love your wife, NOW is your time to show what you are made of!!!!!

Jun 20, 2010
am I having an early mid life crisis or am i just a cold hearted bastard
by: lynn

Wake up you fool!

To all men in mid life crisis

Tables do turn. My husband tortured me with his mistress. He was obsessed with her. She was 19 years younger than him. He dumped his wife of 35 years for this woman, because he wanted excitement. Kept it up for 5 years. The calls -the disregard- no affection etc...........

Well- in the end the mistress dumped him as there was too much age difference and I had enough! So I left!

I loved my husband -if not for his mlc I would still be there -I would still be the same person but I am not anymore. I am no longer waiting around for the stranger to give me back my husband because I no longer love my husband. My feelings for him changed, and I can't get them back.

So maybe go talk to someone before you screw up your life and lose your most valuable asset- your wife!!!!! because once a woman makes a decision she rarely changes her mind!

And really--- how rotten is it to leave her alone at middle age!!!! It's about as rotten as it gets!!!!!!

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