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Angry and manipulated.

by Steven
( Wales, UK)

The Question

I am 48 years old and it seems like there are now two families in my life. One is my wife and the children. The other is me and the dog. My wife's whole life seems to revolve around them (the kids that is, not the dog) We hardly ever have sex and when we do,she just lies there disinterested, as if I am just a pain in the elbow.

A few months ago I was highly insulted when my wife kissed the groom at the wedding. She looked straignt into his eyes and he into hers, he put his hands on her cheeks and they kissed lips to lips, she is 50 and he is 26. I was disgusted, he appologised out of fear of me and I have given her hell since. She says it meant nothing and it was a grey area and she didn't mind it.

We have been married 20 years, I cannot put up with this anymore, but if I leave her properly the child support will eat me alive.

I feel cheated and alienated, I now live in a separate house across the road with the dog. I do my own washing, cooking ironing sewing and don't get any respect from my wife or kids and they support her in everything. I have older grown up boys, two of whom are in long term relationships, they see it more from my point of view I think. Everything is her way, there is no compromise and any agreements we make, she will breach to her benefit.

I am angry, very angry and feel like beating her to a pulp sometimes.

It is getting me quite depressed. I have no criminal record and have never been arrested except for a military offence. I am having to constantly suppress extreme anger and it is wearing me out. Suicidal thoughts cross my mind frequently although I have not attempted anything, it is not that bad yet.

I have tried talking to her, but it seems like such is just seen as a sign of weakness and another oportunity to mess with my head.

Plus, due to the recession I have had to start a very new and different job on a much lower wage, so that doesnt help. At least its a nice job and I enjoy it, a good boss makes all the difference.

Nevertheless, as far as my wife is concerned I feel like I have just been used for 20 years and now have been thrown aside like an old pit pony.

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated. Failing that I am told they are looking for workers to renovate the churches in Russia. Cold, but at least I will get a decent meal and shot of Vodka every night!

Take it Easy


Noel's response

Sounds like a tough situation.

My only recommendation is that you see your doctor for a thorough medical, and possibly medication to manage your depression short-term, and maybe see a psychotherapist (counsellor) to help you:

  • Figure out better ways to deal with your wife to you don't get so angry

  • Come up with a life strategy that is satisfying to you

If you are thinking you might divorce your wife, you might also talk to a lawyer to find out what strategies will protect you against her.

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