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Childless marriage and mid-life crisis connected

The Question

My husband is 46 and I am 48. We lived together for 9 years and have been married for 10 years.

When we met he knew I was infertile. He was fine with this and had no desire to have children.

About three years ago he became interested in the foster program. Together we took the required classes to transition ton become foster parents. After some reflection we decided fostering children was not for us.

I just now found out he wants children. He told me over the last two years he has been increasingly bothered that he has not had any. I never knew until last night he even felt this way.

He feels in turmoil because he knew what the situation was in the beginning and does not want to hurt me. He reflects on the nice childhood he had and now wants to give that to a child of his own. He feels empty, wondering what purpose and meaning is behind the things we have and what he does.
I do not know what to do. Please advise.
Thank you
Renate A.

Noel's Response

This is not an entirely uncommon situation. A number of years ago I had a friend who, when he got married, knew they would not have children. He was fine with it until in his early forties began to feel as though he was missing out, and wanted to have children.

Fortunately he had a number of visits with a psychologist who helped him through the dilemma.

The only thing I can suggest is that you and your husband see a marriage counsellor in order to work through this tough situation.

Comments for Childless marriage and mid-life crisis connected

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Nov 09, 2011
Tough decision to make.....
by: Anonymous

In my case, I am 40 right now and the woman I married to is 35. We got married 5 years ago. 1.5 years ago I found out that the chance to have my own child was quite slim. We waited now for 1.5 years and it seems that probably I wouldn't have my own child. As the result I gave my wife full freedom without holding anything against her will to make her own decision. As I write this comment, she decided to divorce me and get married to another man to have her own child. I am fine with her decision and I supported.

Personally, I feel that if God wanted one to use in other ways (other than parenting) the other partner should be given a chance to fulfill his/her own destiny at his/her own will. I think that if I truly love my wife I should support her in fulfilling her destiny. It was a difficult decision to make for both of us but I supported her. True love should be free of any attachment.

Maybe my background is different from most of you, especially those of you in the western world. Indeed, My father's first wife takes the credit for the courage I got. My father and his first wife fall in love and got married in their mid 20s. Without having a child 5 years passed. Without any clinical test his wife felt that the problem was likely from her side and urged her beloved first husband, my father, to get married to another woman to have his own child. She initiated and supported him to do so. without divorcing him, she herself prepared all wedding ceremonies at their own home (not a restaurant, they live in a countryside)- as a mother does for her son's wedding, and he got married to a 23 year old girl, my mother, when he was 33 years old. in a year he got his own first son, in total 4 boys and 1 girl. His first and my mother lived side by side supporting each other in bring up children until my mother passed away leaving behind her youngest child, me, to her best friend, my father's first wife who brought me and other younger ones as her own biological children. As she predicted, she remained barren but taken care of in her old age , 90 years old now, by the children she brought home by her wisdom and true love for her first beloved husband, my father! My father was the only child for his mother bu the second for his father. Today, his own children, grand children, great grand children all together are about 50!
This story is not a familiar practice in the western but the Bible says that there is no envy or jealousy with true love. I am not sure if my situation and the story of my parent mean anything to those of you who found yourselves in a difficult situation in your marriage. But I really think that there would be unexpected rewards when you let your partner (the person you loved)go freely to fulfill his/her destiny at his/her own will. You don't need psychologist counseling to keep you together for the end of the day wouldn't be without regret/guilt from both sides.
Best wishes to you all.

Aug 01, 2011
by: Wow

That is the most amazing coincidence I've ever heard in my life. I'm 46 my wife is 51. We've been together 13 years. We did the foster care decided it wouldn't work for us.

Now I'm 46 and hurting that i didn't bring a child into this world and have so much to offer a child. It is killing me, but I don't want to leave my wife to have a baby with another woman. I can't afford marriage counseling so anyone help me with this?

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