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Depression , Midlife Crisis or a marriage that's just gone bad

by Sue

Married to this guy for 31 years . We were both college sweethearts and he was my first and only love as well as for him. He was the nicest and most giving and agreeable husband . We had three kids but he has always been passive aggressive and hated conflict. The three kids was a big stress as we come from two totally different race and cultural . I was the displicnary where he does not seem interest in doing anything at all unless I make him . We don't fight about money . We don't scream and yell. 5 years ago he total me he love me but not in love. He told me about him having depression and sucidal thoughts . He wanted a friendship instead of a marriage without the intimacy . I was upset and took it very personally that he was not in love and I left the home for 4 months. He did not stop me but rather happy I left . But I always reached out to him after I started reading about midlife and depression . I came back and we started trying to be a real couple but the thought of him saying he wants a sexless marriage stuck to me and so I enable him by not pressuring him or push him since we are at our 55 years age and health was an issues. I tried to be more understanding and give him space where he just sleep or watch TV. He has no friends and is a loner and never hang out with friends . Last July out of the blue, my daughter mentioned that there was something off with him . He was quiet, withdrawn and I was used to him. Being this way with me but hearing from my kid, I asked him what's wrong and then that's when he told me he does not love me, he wants to leave, he wants a divorce. He told me he constantly has thoughts of killing himself . . I was devastated and I tried to convince him to stay but he seen sad, moody and I finally said if he is not happy to leave in the hope of giving him. Space and hoping he will miss me and the three kids. That was almost 9 months ago . After he move , he basically turn into a stranger from the most caring and loving husband , he does not communicate with him. He became very secretive about his life and he basically left and other than a dinner and movie with the kids once a week, he just abandon us. At this time I am in the process of trying to move out of the house as it is too big and costly to maintain even with his help. He had a successful medical practice and he sold it without telling me . Now he exercise and diet and buys new clothes.

He seem totally different from the person I married. He does not contact me unless it's about the divorce. I asked him to come back and try but he told me he would kill himself of he comes back to the house. At this time I don't believe he has a physical affair with another woman but maybe he is emotionally trying .

I basically leave him alone but once a while we have issues with regards to our kids and they now and me as well have anxiety , panic attacks and seeing therapist . When he first left he became from a passive to a controlling guy and was more mean and aggressive . I believe he is always trying to make me be the one who make the first move . His passive behavior always is to trigger a reaction from me but on this case I am trying to be passive. He is still taking care of the financial aspect of the family. But other than that he has not interest in anything else other than once a week wants to have dinner and movie with the kids .

What stage of midlife is he in ? It is depression ?? Or a marriage that just fallen out of love.

Comments for Depression , Midlife Crisis or a marriage that's just gone bad

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Jul 19, 2017
Response and support for Sue
by: Ceri

Dear Sue. I am not an expert in pscycology, just a woman who recently and still is going through the same thing. I have researched this for two years . I have commented on this page before so read it. My story is similar to yours. Until your husband gets the help he needs there is very little you can do. Protect your self financially, emotionally and look after your health. My advise is to back off . Its a thing he has to work through on his own. Get on with your life and keep yourself busy. He may or may not work his way through the fog and return to being the man you love. Protect yourself. Best of luck !!!!There is life outside the relationship. You are stronger than you think.Best of luck !!!!

Jul 18, 2017

by: Noel

It sounds as though it could be both. Midlife can be a time of great change, and often includes depression. However, your description of your marriage (him being passive and you being the 'active' one) sounds as though the marriage may have been heading for trouble over time anyway.
You are doing the right thing be getting therapy.
I suggest you move on with your own life, and if at some point he wants to reconnect, you may want to do so, if you still want to. You may find that after 'letting him go' in your own mind, you will be less interested in reconnecting.
If you do eventually get back together, your marriage will be different than it was before.

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