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he cares but does not love me.

I have been married for 24 years to a lovely husband. In July of this year he said he didn't love me or have feelings for me. This was totally unexpected for me. We are both very placid natures. We weren't having arguments or even drifting apart, the week previous we had a lovely weekend in London and he brought me an iPad for my birthday. I was devastated, he went the night he told me and came back the next day, hugging me and decided to stay, 5 weeks later I found out he had started secretly meeting a fellow work colleague who was also married. I kicked him out. He went to stay with a male mate. This fling with another woman was on and off and in September my husband came and asked to come home. I asked for the reason and he said he missed his comforts and hated living in a strange home, I told him they were the wrong reasons and he couldn't come back even though I wanted him home so much. Whenever he came round to see the kids he looked so miserable. I tried to talk to him and find out why this had happened, he had a good life, holidays, he went out with mates when he wanted, I never nagged him, lovely home, fantastic kids and a kind, caring loving wife. About a week ago he rang to ask if he could come and talk to me, when he came he got hold of my hands and asked me to take him back, he said he missed us and home. He hated living where he was. I took him back because I love him. We have talked but things don't make sense he said when he came to visit us he tore at his heart when he had to walk away, then next he's saying he would have been better living in his own place rather than at a mates. He still doesn't love me but cares. I just don't know where I am with him, is he going through a midlife crisis, is he here for the comforts. I can't be hurt anymore it's made me so I'll. He can't say what love is to him.

Noel's response

It does sound as though he is in a midlife transition, which will pass in time. In the meantime I suggest you have him go with you to marriage counseling to help the two of you figure out how you are going to communicate and live together satisfactorily while he goes through this transition.

Comments for he cares but does not love me.

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Mar 26, 2012
how to move on
by: Deb

Here I am now 8 month on and still I don't eat or sleep, I asked my husband to leave in Febuary as I found him on dating web sites. I let him back at Xmas because he said he missed us, he held me said he was sorry and what could he do to put things right. I believed what he said until I found him on the dating site. My life and my kids ( although they are grown up but still live with me) as changed so much. All three of us are devastated, sad, depressed, lost, we help each other with our bad days. How do you move on, when does the pain , tears, insecurity and loneliness stop. I have had many times when I have nearly lost the will to live. I don't know this man who I was with for 28 years. I don't know how to get through this ?.

Mar 16, 2012
by: Anonymous

I agree with most of these posts,'what's with men?J" they care, but they have fallen out of love, fallen for sluts, (these women are single--I mean no lovers, fiancees , or if they do have any they don;t care, married doesn't matter to them --nor does it matter to them that my husband had a life) just exciting, forbidden, thrill, entertaining, they have no conscious, as does my husband. wow we can pull this off, attitude. then when my husband couldn't control her lack of commitment, after he spilled his guts of how he felt for her, well that brought out arguments that didn;t fit in the workplace,, and he wanted more and she wanted him out of the way so she could have her fun with another married director. wow. fun fun fun . life is full of them and there is no answers really. I use to wonder where the good men are. I don't waste my time wondering that anymore.

Jan 10, 2012
he cares
by: Deb

What is it with men, I think my husband is the same as in he wants to say things but doesn't. he's never been very good at communicating and I think this is a major problem with him. He came back home just before Xmas but I feel that I was better off without him. There's an atmosphere which I'm not comfortable with. I'm beginning to wonder if I was better without him to be honest. You may well be the same.

Jan 10, 2012
Sounds like everyone is having problems
by: Anonymous

My husband left home, never informed me he was leaving. When I came home he was gone. We have been separated emotionally for some time now we sleep in different rooms and this is the second time we have lived apart. The interesting thing is I'm struggling with is a blessing. He left peacefully and it has been peaceful since. I saw him at an affair this weekend and he waved for me to come sit where he was at, this was a man that doesn't make any contact with me otherwise but in public he wants to keep up an imagine that we are the same. I still trying to figure that out. All of our children are grown.

He do not know how to communicate with me, yet at time I feel he have something to say but don't know how to say it. I'm just not saying anything. I'm standing back and moving on with my life.

Dec 27, 2011
by: Anonymous

Last year almost to the date I discovered that my loving dedicated husband and the father of my two sons....was spending 11 hours a week watching porn, looking at dating sites and affair networks and was doing this not only in cyber land but had developed a few new close friendships with other women one of whom he searched for for 3 months after she moved because he had a crush on her. I considered myself to be an intuitive and aware person,I had no clue. I trusted him so completely that I never worried. We had sex every few days. We were best friends and did , I thought, everything together. I am now having to make the decision of whether to carry on with this new man, or go my own way. He is in counseling, but only because I was concerned with the age of porn that he was watching. I was diagnosed with MS the year his behavior became the was as if he started to look right threw me to the other more attractive, younger women. I even caught his eyes wondering toward my 20 old nurses. Our oldest son is 24. I am still in shock. Everyday I wake up having forgotten what he was doing for 7 years and then I remember and my heart sinks. My world just re-explodes every morning and then again before bed every night. I suspect much more occurred than I've been led to believe and he says that he doesn't love me as much as he once did, but he does still want to be there for me. I just don't know what to do.

Dec 26, 2011
Pulling my hair out
by: Deb

I truly wish all goes well with your marriage eileen, I know in my situation it is me that needs to make some serious decisions. I hope the new year brings you the happiness you deserve.

Dec 25, 2011
Merry Christmas Deb
by: Anonymous

I saw my husband for the first time in 5 months last evening. He came to the house to exchange gifts with the children. We were pleasant to each other but I have to admit I took a tranquilizer before he arrived so that I would not be shaking so badly. He plans to speak with a therapist after the new year. He claims he has one foot out of her door, one foot back in our home and one foot in an apartment by himself and he can't take the confusion and guilt. He says he has strong feelings for me but didn't realize it until he left. Everyone wants me to kick him to the curb but I truly believe it was a midlife crisis mistake and if he had spoken with someone before he left, this could have been avoided. Will keep you posted. I wish my husband, like yours, expressed an interest in coming home. He has not....yet.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from New Jersey, USA.


Dec 25, 2011
pulling my hair out
by: Deb

I feel for you Eileen, I can understand what you are going through. I have hated every minute of this Xmas period, in fact I have spent most of it at work. My husband asked to come home about 2 weeks ago but things are not good and I believe that for my own sanity I need to accept it is over and he needs to leave and this time I will not have him back. He only came back for the comforts of home life, that is not good reason enough for me.

Dec 22, 2011
Same thing here in the USA
by: Anonymous

Your story parallels mine here in the US. I could have written it myself. The only difference is my husband keeps convincing himself that he left for a reason and cannot come home. He has confessed to me that he has broken up with his paramour twice now and that he didn't expect to have the feelings he now feels. He left because of the guilt of having an affair but didn't think through the consequences. The affair was new and exciting. She told him he was sexy and he deserved to be happy. So off he went. Fast forward 5 months and although he is still with her, I do not believe he is happy. He says he shouldn't have jumped from the fire into the frying pan. You can't start a new relationship while you're still in a 25 year marriage and expect it to work out. In the beginning he claimed he loved her but now he says that love is such a strong word. He enjoys spending time with her because she's spontaneous and spends money on him, but he doesn't think he loves her. He says he made a terrible mistake but has not yet said he wants to come home. He says too much damage has been done and that he couldn't expect me to trust him again.

Please let me know how you make out. Send good vibes here to the US - perhaps my husband will see how much he misses and loves us and ask to come home too. What a nice Christmas present that would be.

Warm regards,
Eileen M.

Dec 20, 2011
pulling my hair out here
by: Deb

he refuses to go to marriage counseling. It's like pulling teeth to get him to open up about what he his going through. The kids don't think he is the same man he was before July when all this kicked off. He's told me that he has felt in a rut for about 2 years and feelings for me have been non existence for that amount of time other than he cares?.

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