He loves me, but is no longer "in love" with me?
My story is very similar to "Gone for 9 days and hasn't called" except my husband has been gone for 2 months. He had what appeared to be an emotional melt down 2 weeks before Christmas. Two weeks prior to that he was exhibiting odd behavior. He is on call at work all the time and has a very demanding physically and mentally exhausting job with a new female boss that really gets under his skin...he referred to her as "needling".
Our holiday season was way too busy with too many events and required engagements. One Sunday morning he just fell apart. He said two days later we would live one day at a time and get through the holidays. Two days after New Years, he tells me "he doesn't know what he wants". He blamed our problems on my constant "negativity" and so on. We have had a very strong marriage, or so I thought. I began to notice some changes in him last November, however he began experiencing insomnia about a year ago, then depression for which he has been treated for since last October.
I thought he was having side effects from the depression meds so the doctor changed his meds, but it was after his meltdown. He decided mid January to move out Feb 1. He found a small one bed apartment, took very little from home, and is sleeping on an inflatable mattress. He said it was temporary and that the would be back in one to three months. Now he says he doesn't know if he wants to come back. Before he left I accused him of having an affair a couple of times, but I am sure he is not. He is a working a lot, on salary, is is always too exhausted to think about what he wants.
Now he says he is thinking about a career change.
He never returns calls to his best friend, has shut out his teenage sons, who are now angry at him, never sees his new grand babies that he was so proud of, sees his parents almost every Sunday, but refuses to let me or anyone come to his apt. At first he didn't want me to even know where he was going, but eventually told me. He said he was going to disappear for the first couple of weeks and not contact anyone, but he has been in contact since the third day. We text about every other day ,we talk very briefly a couple of times a week, and I see him for an hour or two on Saturdays(he comes here), but he won't take me out because he isn't ready to date me yet he says. He says he loves me but isn't "in love" with me anymore and it happened suddenly right
after his meltdown.
What happened and what does that mean? I am sure there isn't anyone else, even though I wasn't at first. I am so lost and it hurts so much.! I want him to come home so we can work our problems out but he wont even spend one night, even though I tell him I wont touch him is he doesn't want me to. He stopped calling me babe, then hon, now he addresses me by name, which he never did before unless he was trying to get my attention. I was a total mess for 6 weeks and couldn't function at work for a month. I am surprised I didn't loose my job. I am able to work now, but I cry almost every night and a lot on the weekends. I have two teen boys at home and two married sons with new babies, I try to keep busy with my family, but there isn't anything that can replace him. We have always been there for each other for the 13 years of our marriage and now he just wants be friends. We always considered ourselves soul mates and so did all of our friends, always being a very affectionate couple. Pushing I know doesn't work, tried that. Pulling back too much seems just as bad. I don't know what else to do. I have read 6 books and am working on changing the behavior that he says "hurt him", (treating him as though I didn't love him for who he is but for who he could become, nothing was ever good enough, too critical, negative, etc) I had no idea. All he had to do was talk to me about it and he never did. That hurts as much as everything else. He wont accept any help from me and refuses to read anything I have offered. We tried counseling but he gave up. I have caught him in some lies, but nothing major. Why does he have to lie if they don't really matter anyway? We are running two households on one bank account as I cannot afford to keep this house and pay all the bills myself. He hasn't been selfish with money at all and he acts as though he wants to be sure we are taken care of. He sees his psychiatrist monthly for about 15 min. and that's it.
I love him so much! Please help us. I apologize for the length of this. (Rambling happens to be one of the things that I do that drives him crazy!) Noel's response
It sounds as though you have tried the things I would have suggested.
You might read the book "Crossing the Soul's River: A Rite of Passage for Men
in order to get an understanding of what he might be going through.