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He says it's over-and don't try to change his mind

by Christine
(Galt, CA, USA)

I have been with someone for almost 2 years. We met July 4, 2012, and have been living together since March,2013.

He is very affectionate, loving, considerate, intelligent, and generally happy. He has always been unhappy in the city we live in. He went away on an annual guy trip one week ago. Up to that point, I heard everyday how much he loves me, misses me when he's away, buying me gifts, flowers, etc.
He was due home on a Sunday, and there was a crafts fair I wanted to attend. When I spoke to him on Saturday, I suggested he might leave early Sunday so we could both attend together, as I missed him and such. He said he didn't know if he could make it back on time (two hour drive), but would see. I didn't hear any word Sunday morning, so I texted to him, "I am going to the craft fair (alone). It would have been nice if you would have made more of an effort". He texted back, "Stop it, I'm on the road". I went to the fair, he came home later that afternoon and greeted me with a big hug and we discussed the trip. He then sighed and said, "Are we ok"? I said yes, why? He then went on to say lots of negative things about me and how he didn't feel he could be good enough.
I listened and said it sounds like he has resentment pent up, and he said yes. We talked some more, and I thought it was ok. The following evening, someone on TV was telling someone, go clean the garage dum dum, and when you're finished, clean the bathroom. My man said, "Wow, sounds like YOU". I was upset at that and got angry at him, saying, "I don't talk to you like that (I don't), and ever since you came back from your trip you have been saying negative things about me. He said, "But it's all true".
I said no it's not, and stop that.
He then pulled up a chair and said we needed to talk. He said he felt the relationship ran it's course, and he wanted to be alone and not have a relationship with me any longer. I was devastated!. This man who told me to trust him and open my heart to him is now saying done.
I said whatever it is to work on, let's work on it, and not just chuck this all away. I wrote him a letter the next day and told him I am taking responsibility for anything I may have said or done to hurt you, and I acknowledge, and will respond differently. I told him how much I appreciated him and will give him the respect he deserves. I also brought up how we both agreed that a good relationship should have a good ground of close friendship, which we have. He is not responding. He will talk to me about other things, but I cannot bring up the subject of us without him getting angry. He told me he wanted me to start looking for a place to live. I haven't been working for a few months (although desperately searching).
He will not kiss me or be affectionate in any way. He said no other woman when I asked. He wants to lease out his house, put his things in storage, and get on the road for a year or two seeing the country in his 5th wheel He wants out of the city he hates. I told him I would love to join him, he said no.
He is 59, divorced 5 times. I am 58, divorced 3.
I really love this man, and am doing everything I can to keep things positive when he comes home.
We get along very well in general, and our occasional bouts of conflict I thought got resolved, but apparently he is holding resentment without me knowing or talking about it until now. I don't know what to do.

Noel's response

It sounds to me that he may have difficulty being in a relationship. Five divorces is a clue. Perhaps commitment scares him, and he acts it out by wanting to split. If he won't go to counselling with you, I wouldn't hold out much hope that your relationship can recover.

Comments for He says it's over-and don't try to change his mind

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Jun 22, 2016
you are no alone...
by: Victoria

I'm sorry for what you are going thru! It almost mirrors my situation!
After a 14 year fairy tale life and marriage my husband texted me that he no longer loves me! I have been devastated and now taking anti depressants to make it thru the day .
It's hard to understand how such a kind, caring, loving and affectionate man can just change so completely!
No affection what so ever- no phone calls during the week or any kind of communication at all.
I wish someone had a magic pill to get our wonderful husbands back.
It is hard to even remember the happy times because this has totally rocked my world.
I hope you know you are not alone. Not that it helps any.
I pray that both of find happiness in our futures if our husbands don't find their ways back to us. Hugs to you from another hurting heart

May 20, 2014
by: Christine

He actually propose to me 3 times. I was the one wanting to wait. I did agree to marry him, we just didn't set a time or place.

I tried talking to him again, and he said his mind is made up. Says we can "Be friends". I said no-difficult to do. He does approach for sex-I said no to that as well. He comes and goes as he pleases (drives me nuts). I may just have to set him free.

Noel's response

Setting him (and you) free makes sense to me.

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