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How do they feel when they decide to return to the marriage

by cindy
(albany ny)

My H was in a full blown MLC for 7 years, left had a girlfriend filed for divorce and when I said ok enough is enough, he decided he wanted to work on the marriage and stopped the divorce.

For me it was what I begged for but now I could care less, he has betrayed me our marriage our family and the innocence of the blessed life I thought we had for 35 years is gone.

I wonder why he would do an about face, he acts as if nothing every happened, gets annoyed if I ask questions and is living his life as if he never caused his family life to be imploded. What gives.

Noel's response

My guess is that he got to the edge of the precipice, took a look over and realized what he would be losing if he went through with the divorce. He now doesn't want to talk about it because he feels shame and embarrassment about what he did, and would rather just go ahead as though nothing happened.

If you are ever going to get the trust back you once had, you and he will almost certainly have to go through some marriage counseling to help you both express what was happening then, and how it is for you now. I doubt very much whether you will be able to do this on your own.

Comments for How do they feel when they decide to return to the marriage

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Jan 12, 2012
how do they feel when they decide to return to the marriage
by: jo

she rejected him. my husband never made the move for himself, or for me, for us. he never wanted it to end, he said if it worked we wouldn't have. she was suppose to worship him like I do, he says. that's honestly and insanity.

Aug 04, 2011
by: Anonymous

my husband has been gone for 4 yrs he would always tell me he was working on it when i would ask him to come home it will be 5 yrs in Jan. he has been treating me a little better but i know he is still out there seeing other women he doesn't know that i can see every phone call he makes and so far i have a list of women's #s and some names. we will have to go to a counselor if he wants to come home i think he maybe starting a little turn around he just trying to get as much in as possible before it ends he still tells me he loves me he just don't want to be in my life right now i am lonely but i do love him who he used to be. he has treated me so bad as you know every thing is my fault he has made me feel so low so i don't ask any question i don't want to get him going. i do know he would not have waited on me like i have him.

Jul 25, 2011
Husband wanting to come back home
by: NWF

Hello, I have one thought and a few questions to enter here for you.

Question: How long was your husband gone for before he wanted to come back home?

How long was he acting out of character or wanting to fight about everything before he left home?

Did he start his affair before he left home so he would have the advantage of emotional support and you no support, while giving you all of his anger?

First of all, I have heard that when they come home they do exactly as you say; act like nothing happened and do not want to talk about it. This leaves you to deal with all of the anxiety once more. The OW is the worst thing about the MLC. Your heart is broken and they feel nothing-yet, at least they won't say so. They are very good at keeping it all inside, they can compartmentalize very well.

It is like walking-on-glass before they leave; when they keep saying they are going to leave but prolong the act while saying everything is your fault, projecting anger and blame, along with THEIR low self-esteem and unhappiness. You try to solve this dilemma by looking inward, and things get better, and then they leave anyway!!!

My H actually asked me if I thought I had low self-esteem during a low-key conversation on our back porch before he left home with an OW in tow. I said "NO".

He also told me: You work outside in the gardens all day and don't come in TO COOK ME DINNER until after 7 pm at night. My reply was: I am happy keeping up the gardens but if you wanted my company, why don't you just say that! He couldn't answer that Q but said he would like more of my company sometimes. (Why, so he can fight/yell at me more to make him feel better!) He could have offered to cook the dinner for the 3 of us.

He asked me: Do you think you have OCD(Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder)? I said "maybe, a little, but I don't enjoy sitting on the couch all day long when there are things to do outdoors". I have told my friends about this and they all say: Don't we all, at least a little bit.

And, when they get thru this crap enough, they want to come home and you go thru all of this anxiety again. By now, your heart and soul and trust have been so extremely broken--we should tell them to KMA (kiss my you-know-what) but we don't. Some do! They are probably the smart ones here and have found some one else. Who wants to find someone else while in the throws of this horror story? That takes much more time--after you heal the wounds!
A few years (3 to 5), I learned this many, many years ago when I was much younger.

I am hoping your situation gets much better for you. Avoid the conflict if you can (don't feed it) and ask for respect in return!

Hugs for you, NWF

Jul 24, 2011
Re: Husband wanting to come back
by: Anonymous

I understand how you feel. My husband and I have been separated for one year. He is still a grumpy person. At first I told him that I will stand for our marriage. Now, I told him to go ahead with the divorce. I feel ready and don't want to deal with his irritation anymore. I sometimes feel lonely but I think that it is better lonely than anxious all the times.

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