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How should I respond? Desperate!!!

by Samantha
(Birmingham , UK)

Hello, I am 28 and my husband is 41, we've been married for 10 years. About 5 weeks ago I noticed he became distant and when I raised the issue he announced he didn't know if he loved me or wanted to be married and accused me of not loving him! I am heartbroken! Since his revelation he has been looking at new cars, buying new clothes, buying new music and getting deeply moved by lyrics, none of this i disapprove of!

He is not the sort of man who has ever treated himself so i was happy that was. However i have also discovered that he has pursued a woman at work, brought her perfume and been sending texts, she is also married with 2 children and clearly not interested as she contacted me to assure me! This is totally out of character and he seems delusional over this infatuation as there is no basis for it!

He's always been a bit of a loner really not many/any friends, doesn't socialize except with me. He is also drinking much more! I have found he has searched how to cope with rejection and unrequited love on a search engine and seems besotted with this woman, he is not sleeping, wont show me any affection, wont talk about his feelings just says that he doesn't know what he wants and wants to take a day at a time. He admitted he is depressed so i brought him St Johns Wort which he has taken, so acknowledges there is a need!

There is lots of advice to say leave him to it, don't try to get him to talk etc...he does not know that i know about this woman at work...don't know if i should confront him or leave him to heal alone, in the meantime im struggling to get by day to day, ive lost a stone, just terrified that he will end it! Please help if you can! Much appreciated! X

Noel's response

I suggest you not confront him, as the other woman seems to be firm in her refusal to get involved with him. I suspect this will pass, as he sounds as though he is struggling with the 'Age 40 transition', which is one of the major transitions in life.

You might find "A Harley or My Wife" useful. You can buy it on this site if you are interested.

Comments for How should I respond? Desperate!!!

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Oct 13, 2011
How can I help him?
by: Samantha

Thank you! In addition to this I know that he feels depressed. We had major work done to our house and moved in with his parents! A 3 month job which took 9 and still ongoing! We came home in may and due to the obvious stress we got at each other and I said hurt full things which I've apologised for, unfortunately I feel this has pushed him away and with the rejection of this woman and work stress made him feel so bad! I have taken advice from many sources, given him space which seems to work! Reassured him that I'm on his side and that he will get through it, brought him St johns wort which he's been talking and basically said I'll do whatever he thinks will make him feel better! Is there any other advice or suggestions for me? Any idea how long this may continue for? Many Thanks, Samantha X

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