Use this search feature to quickly find the information you're looking for.

How to handle husband suffering from MLC?

by Anita Singh
(New Delhi, India)

The Question

My husband is 51 years old. He is good looking, and a successful man. He has been the best husband, father, son, friend and a relative to people associated with him. He has been a very good human being.

Of late he has been acting strangely. He has also had a girlfriend for the past two years with whom he shares all of his thoughts. This woman is taking advantage of the situation, and trying to drive him out of our family.

Earlier I pleaded with him, then I tried to fight him out of this relationship, but now I am trying to ignore his relationship, as I have realized he is going through a midlife crisis.

I do get very hurt with this secret alliance, as he is constantly in touch with her. He has started telling lies because of her. He makes nasty remarks to hurt me all the time. Recently I have noticed that he is jealous if I am complimented and reacts negatively. But when I am not around he is proud of me and says good things about me to his friends.

He is also heartless to the kids, at times indifferent and at times nasty.

What I need to know is whether there is a way to help him out of his crises. Is there a way to get him out of his relationship with this woman?
How long do I have to suffer his negative attitude to me, is there any way to assess whether he will ever get back to being himself again?

Noel's response

It sounds as though you have put up with a lot. To answer your question briefly, you do not have to suffer his negative attitude any longer than you decide to. You have every right to tell him you are not going to put up with that kind of negativity, nor will you put up with his girl friend. If he insists on keeping her, he will have to say goodbye to you.

A caveat: I notice you are from India, and as I am not familiar with the marriage customs in your culture, this suggestion may not be one you could act on.

He will get through this midlife transition, although it is impossible to say how long it will take, as it can be anywhere from a few months to several years.

You cannot change him, but you can take action on your own behalf, and that may make him re-think his own decisions.

Comments for How to handle husband suffering from MLC?

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 11, 2014
fire with fire
by: Anonymous

I found the best way to deal with spouse in mlc was fighting fire with fire. Two years ago after 27 years of marriage, the man who worshipped me, started acting very strangely. All the classic signs of mlc for a few months. Behaviors that left me scratching my head. Nasty, negative, at times monstrous comments about me, our sons, my family, our friends, his work associates, etc. I started having panic attacks six months in.

About 9 months into the insanity I started fighting back when I witnessed his behavior getting worse and no signs of changing. No other woman but he had developed a wandering eye, which my loving husband never had before. Thats what did it for me. I decided that two can play this mlc game. He needed to be woken up and shaken. I just wasn't going to take this sitting down.

A couple of times he would mention that he should leave. I said don't let the door hit you. I retrieved into my own world. I alienated myself from him for months, only small talk. I hooked up with old friends, started spending time with parents, doing things I wanted
To do. Got my real estate license, started selling, started a whole new life right before his very eyes.

This left him feeling baffled. That how could I just move on so quickly? He got to the point of wondering what was up with me? Was I in mlc? I think he started to change back to his old self at this point but in small steps. I think he got the picture. I think he realized how this could end up. I think he freaked out when he saw I could make it on my own.

I love him, but he knows I won't stand around waiting for things to get better. So it seems that if they think you could stand on your own two feet, they snap out of it. Its a good thing that he opened his eyes. I only have one life to live as well and I refused to live in the hell he put me through for even another day. I told him, "oh yeah, after you nobody will ever want me". Lets roll the dice and see how it goes and see if you are happier without me in your life. I was ready. Dont put up with their crap. Theyll give you a nervous breakdown. Prepare yourself ahead of time so if need be you could show them the door if they decide to drop any bombs into your life. Shock and awe.

Jun 03, 2011
I cant belive how much this happens.
by: Husband

I am sure that most women here have gone through the MLC or will soon and all i see her is that your lonely and how it makes you feel.
Think for a sec,my x-wife went thought her mlc and
i supported her 3 years she left the house started chasing young men,cheated and left me wth 2 kids and herself to still look after when she gt back to her senses she came back( i was not mad or resentfully i held her hand through it all.
But the moment i sank in to depression...she claims she felt unloved and accused me of all sorts of things has not shown any love to me as it is like she can not recall she also had her mlc....and she left me.

Since then i have been looking upon mlc for both women and men and come to find that men are told you help their women in their MLC.

Why are you all making his MLC about you and your feeling...soon you will have yours.

Jan 24, 2011
another thing
by: Anonymous

I agree with everything said here.

But I think women are better at ending up alone. I mean we've been taking care of mostly everything all through the years while the husband has been out working on the career. Oh and some of us also worked throughout the years as well, didn't we!

I mean ending up looking after ourselves doesn't sound all that bad to me. No more cooking for them, no more washing their clothes, no more cleaning up after them, no more taking out a lot of garbage etc... and having that remote all to ourselves-oh and did I mention having that couch all to ourselves as well.

Doesn't sound that bad to me!!!!

And the other woman-well I guess she will just have to pick up the slack until she tires of a messed up little boy in a man's body.

Dec 26, 2010
still in shock
by: Anonymous

My husband of 24 years just walked out on Dec. 14/10. No one can believe it.

This man had been extremely 'grouchy' for a few years but we (his family) always thought we'd go to the end together. He has always lived for his kids, although lately has been just irritated with them and now he has just gone.

Only after he left did I start researching men's mlc and he is the epitome of the definition. We still think he will come home, I can't fathom him leaving his kids with no contact. I must admit I don't want back the man we've had in the recent past, but is there any hope I'll get back the man I married? Do they stay assholes or do they return to human?

Aug 16, 2010
I agree
by: Anonymous

I could have written any of the comments above. Wonderful husband, father, friend, son, son in law turned around 4 months ago, after two months of distant, mean, selfish (and foolish) behaviour, and declared he was moving straight out of the family home and moving in with a 24 year old he had met at work.

Apparently wasn't unhappy at home, but after 25 years together, 23 of them married, he just fell in love with her and couldn't help it.

He's 45.

My world came to an end, I knew something was wrong but never expected this - especially after he was such a rock for me as I was treated for breast cancer last year.

Now the story is changing, he never made me happy, couldn't live up to my expectations, hadn't been happy for a long time. Not saying we were perfect but we were pretty good together, I have the letters and photos to prove it.

I know this is really nothing to do with me, but I have been through the shock, grief, put up with his mean, nasty comments and behaviour, had to hand over my children to them for weekends, and had to totally rewrite my plans for the future.

Now I am stronger, know I deserve better, know at some point he will regret what he has done, but I am unlikely to be waiting around for him. I can't give him the chance to hurt me like that again, or know the man I am married to is even capable of some of the things he has said and done over the last few months.

Sad for me, for the children but even more so for him, if he hadn't had this MLC we would be looking forward to a secure, happy, family future.

Aug 08, 2010
After MLC who are you going to grow old with?
by: Anonymous

After the o/w has left you because your wife left you and you are no longer so exciting to her- who are you going to grow old with? It will be nobody you fool!

You will grow old by yourself! And your family who you damaged will not want you around!

Good Luck!

Aug 08, 2010
To any man thinking about being selfish!!
by: Anonymous

Once a woman (wife) has had enough- she will leave you for good, forever!!

And when the most selfish time of your life (mlc) has ended so has everything else. She will no longer be in love with you and your kids will never feel the same about you again.

The life you had will be over! The other woman w will be gone as well!

That boring wife you had will suddenly begin taking care of herself, probably lose lots of weight, exercise and start dressing great again.

She will also change her hair style and gain a very new found sense of confidence. That girl you knew long ago, you know the one you found so attractive, sexy, exciting will be back but her eyes will be seeking someone different and believe me she will find someone else. Just like you!!!

Remember-- You can't unring that bell!!!!!!

I know because I was that girl!

You should have paid more attention to me. You should have encouraged me to take better care of me. You should have talked more to me. You should have made my sex life more exciting because I got bored oh so bored too!!!!

Life was also just bills and problems to me to!

Well I am different now and will never be that girl again. I will never get over the cruelty, the rudeness, the nasty words, the damage of my family all for what something new to play with for awhile!! Not worth it, was it.

Please think before you act! Because I am moving on!

You have ruined your family forever and I will never forget nor will I forgive you.

Your wife!!!!!

Jul 14, 2010
Very True
by: T

I think you hit the nail right on the head.

We as the wives are dealt a lousy, sometimes losing hand with MLC.

Somehow we become the enemy and are told such negative things, or treated so poorly that we start to question ourselves, forgetting this is something our husbands are going through and we just got pulled along for the ride...however staying on that ride is our choice.

I can't tell you how many nights I spent wondering what was so wrong with me, what did I do to deserve this. (Husband has a phone relationship also.)

The man I am with now is not the man I met, or the man I married. I no longer know who he is.

In the end, it will be my decision of how much I am willing to put up with. One day I may wake up and say I have had enough and just move on... I think I am getting really close to that now.

As the saying goes....The secret to life is not what happens to you, but what you do with what happens to you.

Glad I found this site and know that I am not alone...

Jul 12, 2010
by: Anonymous

I agree there are no winners in this surely but don't you think if I leave the winner will be the other women and I will become a loser to her as she will then successfully break my home?

I know she won't last with him. He at the moment is all lost he is pushing all of us away. He is playing a nasty game and thanks to his tantrums we are all doing just as he wants.

He is greedily looking for more female company but doesn't have the guts to take a plunge. Some where deep down he is not bad but his behavior these days is unexplainable. He behaves as if he hates me and also my kids.

But I also know if I leave him he will be quite miserable. He is behaving so lost that now we are worried for him.

Jun 28, 2010
by: Anonymous

interesting! you could have something there!!
So many wives do the final leaving! And yes they do find peace and happiness. Most are usually glad that they left!!!! Never to return to misery!!!

And most of the other women end up gone! Most of the other women have been using these men to their advantage and after the wife has left well the game isn't as much of a thrill!!!

Then he's just an old man and not as exciting as when he still had a wife!!

Jun 28, 2010
how to handle husband
by: Anonymous

The more I think of it the more I believe the husbands have their mlc and because of it we the wives are forced into a place we never thought possible: forced to face the truth about us!

The truth- are we happy? Are we satisfied? Have we allowed ourselves to take their crap for years to just keep all happy!!

Are we in love or does time change it to love. We love our kids, our parents, some friends and these are people we have known years.

We are told negative things such as we haven't made them happy etc... Well - have they made us happy?

After the destruction - too much damage too many horrible words usually the wife leaves but she has a valid reason for doing so. She then finds peace.

His reason(s)are due to mlc which is a mentally unstable time. She's sane when she makes her decision!!!!

I think it is a two way street for both -only difference is she exits the road of life without him.

No winners with mlc!!!

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Ask Noel.