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husband wants to 'live alone' after 41 years together no obvious reason.

For about a year now my husband has been withdrawing from me. He has refused to take any responsibility for helping with the family home. He just wants to hang out with his divorced buddy and play guitars. He told me this summer while on vacation that he didn't want to live with me insisting that I did not love him. His mood was very ugly and hurtful to me. This is totally ridiculous but he was hostile and reacting over anything I said to him. I cannot bring up anything in the real world of finances or things that I am interested in. He is very non-supportive and leaves me alone a lot.

He makes most decisions without even asking or consulting me but I must bear up under the consequences all the same. We have been together for 41 years. I am still working at a part time job and I am 63 and have my own health problems. My adult son 34 finally left home this summer but I still have an adult disabled son here as well as my mother in law living in a basement suite.

My youngest son plans to move back in because he has started university and can't afford his place. My house is falling down around my ears needs lots of cosmetic work and renos and he continues to put money into a vacation property, our kids lives and his own fun.

I feel very betrayed as I have always been faithful and tried my best to work with him over the years. In the past he has been very controlling making all the decisions at first like a knight in shining armor and physically never mean. Now he has emotionally left me high and dry. The only reason he doesn't leave now is because he just has a total hip replacement. He has money through his mom but is currently unemployed and on a medical benefit.

She has a apartment that he plans to move into and she will not get involved or say he can't do that. Meanwhile she lives here rent free although she has been very generous to me recently buying me a car so I have no quarrel that way with her but I am at my wits end. What should I do?

Noel's response

He doesn't sound like much of a husband. You don't seem to have many boundaries around him or you grown-up children.
I suggest you get some counseling to help you take a stand for yourself.
Also talk to a lawyer so if he moves out, you are protected as much as possible. You might even have more peace of mind.

Comments for husband wants to 'live alone' after 41 years together no obvious reason.

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May 21, 2015
by: Anonymous

Well things are less angry but only because we don't really deal with anything. He has been quite sick lately serious issues. I just got diagnosed with shingles so guess the stress is getting to me. I am doing ok though really. God is being very good to me and I am making it ok. Still pray and believe for a miracle and as my husband was a Christian and very active I pray that he will return to Him just like the prodigal son Jesus' parable. I am sorry that you have had to live like that I cannot imagine. Before the current trouble we has a loving and caring and supportive marriage. Still is so strange to me but I realize it has taken both of us to sow the seeds of discord. I do not hate men at all but I still do not have any desire to be in a relationship with anyone except a reconciled husband. Peace.

May 15, 2015
Its been lonely
by: Anonymous

We've been married 47 years and we live in the same house but live separately! I live on the upper part of our house and he lives in our basement that has a separate exit and entrance.
This all started the day after we were married!
He has always hated sex and there fore has hated me.
Sex and intimacy was disgusting to him and made him feel creepy and he wanted to throw up.
So he worked his whole life on the midnight shift, all weekends and holidays so as not to be home with me. Now he's retied and looks dirty and could pass as a home less person.
I should have moved on but I didn't I'll never forgive myself. Years ago I just gave up and decided to be me. I hate all men, I can't respect men, there all cowards in my mind. To old now and will live out my life my way.

Apr 05, 2013
by: Anonymous

My spouse has been gone 1 1/2 years now. It is getting easier for me emotionally. there is still no mention of divorce though. I would give him one if he asked. Much as I would like to see him give up this other woman and be prepared to do some real marriage building work with me I do not see signs of this happening.

I can't fathom how odd that is. I know I am worth it guess it is what is in his heart that has twisted. I still don't feel compelled to ask for divorce myself though as I have no current plans for another relationship. I am waiting until I see more cooperation coming from his department as I can't afford a rancorous split.

I am enjoying not being under such pressure cooker stress now and enjoying that I don't have to run all my decisions by him all the time. I can make really good decisions on my own. Things may indeed come to a head when it is time to retire as assets will have to be divided or I will not be able to afford it.

Life is a journey with many road blocks to our peace but I am actually finding it in the midst of trials.

Feb 19, 2013
A year and a half later still dealing with incredible immaturity in MLC spouse.
by: Anonymous

Just an update the MLC mate still is in denial mode and has not budged from it. He still insists we don't need a separation agreement and that a divorce will cost $250. This is strange as he got extremely angry when I try to talk to him face to face last summer about financial concerns.He angrily stated that we needed a mediator. However after I did the work to find more about it and gave him a small book about it to read he has not read it and started saying the stuff about no separation agreement needed and the $250 divorce. He also thinks working in the same day program as his disabled son counts as Father Son time. I have tried leaving my son with him when I am away but father usually drops him home so his 86 year old mom can watch him. He is getting less cooperative on financial things keeps insisting he is broke which I know is not true. He is still seeing this other woman although he lied last year in April 2012 saying they were not seeing each other anymore However, they were definitely together in June 2012. A very short lived break up indeed. They have been on at least one holiday together to my knowledge. I am disappointed with his continued denial of the seriousness of his actions and his inability to address issues in an adult fashion. It shows me he is still in a dream world and not really ready to move on properly with his own life. He is not living with this woman as far as I know. He still has his subsidized apartment (courtesy of his mom). The great news though is that I am feeling an emotional separation from his issues and what we once were together. I have set him adrift on his SEA to experience whatever storms may come. I am definitely stronger emotionally and spiritually. The physical I could work on and the ups and downs are getting less frequent. I am in a DivorceCare Group and that is very positive. i am getting out and trying to regain a social life of sorts. I never was a partier though. Not into dating at all as my trust bone is severely broken. Besides until I am through the work I need to do here, it would just be foolish.

Dec 23, 2011
From Bad to Worse
by: Anonymous

Things have definitely deteriorated. counseling has been unsuccessful in budging him from his position to stay where he is. It is very hard to pin him down about expenses. Our next counseling sessions will focus on that I guess. i am heart broken and Christmas is very difficult as in a time when things seemed to be going better I invited him. It was pretty hard not to as his mom lives here with me though. I am a wreck. I have also discovered that he has been hanging out with a coworker going to dinner and buddy buddy. It is an emotional affair at this time but to me that is almost worse than a sexual one as he has transferred his confidence to her as he hasn't confided in me for a long time. Awkward as I know this woman. I never would have thought I could ever be this depressed.I am seeing my doctor but there is no end in sight, and my Blood Pressure is high.

Nov 04, 2011
by: Anonymous

Just an update on my situation. My husband moved out abruptly just after I posted my second response. His reason was that my son needed the room but the truth is at that point in his recovery he could have easily used his mom's spare room or move back upstairs. We did start counseling and have had three sessions. It has been revealing to me just how two-faced he is. All the time he says it is him and not me that is the problem but at the counselors all this crap finally came out of his mouth indicating that I am the centre of the difficulty. I do not believe that and am willing to work on our differences. I called him out on his 'I am on an adventure attitude' even the counselor questioned him directly about perhaps it being like a 'Huck Finn' thing. At that point he admitted that it is and he is having a wonderful time writing poetry and playing his guitar and hanging out with his buddies. Made me furious. The counsellor called him out on his reluctance or inability to give me a straight answer to my question of WHY or at least why now after we have cooperated for so long and survived through so much with our family. At the counsellors suggestion he has decided to go for a session alone. I will go alone and then we will hook up again and see where we are at.
My sister (older) is suggesting I get a lawyer. I know you initially suggested this as well but I am not sure. How can a lawyer help at this stage. As theoretically I make more money than him at the moment can he force me to pay him. I can't have that. What can I do, we still have to work together on the two houses for expenses and everything that is jointly owned. So far he hasn't questioned when I have asked for 1/2 help with my house taxes and the taxes on the vacation home but I notice he is taking all of his pension out of our joint account. And my MIL is paying me rent each month faithfully now. I guess she always was but he was taking it to pay for other stuff our trips and that sort of thing without checking with me.

Noel's response

Now that he has moved out, I suggest you cancel the joint account, and open one that only you can sign cheques for. Make up a written agreement with him about how you will share expenses for things you own in common.

Sep 29, 2011
further comments to My Husband wants to live alone
by: Anonymous

What I should say to add to my previous post is that my husband has not always been this way. He has already assumed the role of decision maker but it always seemed to be in our best interest. He has been a good financial provider himself until just lately. Like I have told my friends it seems like someone else has invaded his body. My disabled son cannot leave and be on his own as he is physically disabled and has a mild mental handicap although I am working on that. I really feel empty and sad at the moment and quite alone.

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